I'm The Problem

[Kb3]

I came home feeling hope, heard, and like I really am going get further.

That is so fantastic - how wonderful. I'm really, really glad for you.:)

I split from myself as well at such a young age and achieved as much as could until the traumas caught up with me then I was simply unable to continue.

(((((((((Rain)))))))))

BTW, as you know, you ARE working, you are raising a family, it doesn't get any harder than that.

Thank you - it's nice to be validated on this. It's not the most glamorous job in the world, but when I'm feeling well I love being a housewife and mom, and feel lucky that we can afford it.

I liked the idea of sharing what you are going through, the edited version. I believe their may even be books about it sharing it with children,
Rain

A book sounds like a good idea, and I'll probably ask my therapist about it when I see them next time. It's a difficult thing to think about telling them, and I want to make sure that I do it the right way.

Thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me. You, Ted, and Freakofnuture have made what could have been a pretty bad day for me much, much nicer.:)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I didn't read the whole thread, admittedly. But, I would like to comment on the OP.

I feel the same. Age 32 here, with no real job qualifications but an extensive education. Then again, I remember very little of my higher education, as I was in the throws of PTSD while in school and when I'm triggered, I remember nothing.

Then there's the issue of employers not wanting to hire anyone who has been out of the job market for an extended period of time. So by the time I am ready to work again, I will have been out of the job market for SIX years. (YIKES that's scary!).

So I know how you feel. Yeah...

 

[Kb3]

After feeling relatively bullet proof yesterday, I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable today. Bad nightmares last night, and I woke up questionning my intelligence, my appearance, how I have chosen to live and all came up as substandard and pointless.

So I had a serious chat with myself and took myself off to a museum where I was triggered by some surrealist art(!). There were images and sculptures that just set off flashing lights for me and brought out some powerful, dormant memories that I thought had been processed. I can't believe that I'm not even able to go to a f*cking museum without this happening.

It made me think of all the angry words I have written about what has happened to me, and I imagined them hurting the people who I had written them about, and then having them being used against me. The overriding thought was that I had gotten things wrong, exaggerated situations, and been made a fool to the millionth power. It all ties in to trauma and how I was spoken to in those moments. Burned into the hard drive I guess, and it makes me want to erase every single thing I ever wrote and hide. I want to be invisible, and yet, here I am writing about it again.

I rode the train home and had a paranoid thought that a young girl on it was targeting me for an assault. She looked at me in a certain way, and cut in front of me when we got on. For some reason I thought she might follow me off the train and try to hurt me. She didn't, but I was hyper alert until I left the station.

All of this happened while I was looking like an average person out for the morning. A walking implosion, the exterior intact and acting as if nothing is happening. How do I do this? How do any of us do it? The closest thing to an answer I have is that if I keep pretending nothing is wrong, then eventually nothing will be wrong, and I won't have blown my cover unnecessarily. An undercover lunatic...unless it's more obvious to everyone than I can tell. Who knows?

Anyway that's today, and tomorrow will be different.

 

[Srain]

((((((((((Eat)))))))))))
I'm sorry, paranoia sucks! :(

It's not the most glamorous job in the world, but when I'm feeling well I love being a housewife and mom, and feel lucky that we can afford it.

I wanted to say here something that is very important, at least to somebody like me, when I hear of a mother that is home working so hard to make that home loving and special - who actually CARES about how their children feel, I get blown away and amazed, I just do. My Daughter-IL and Sister IL are awesome mothers, I get to see first hand what that is like. My mother hated to love me so this is great for me! My Daughter IL is very smart, has her degree, and is raising 4 boys, she is a wonder, it is very difficult but she does it because she feels like that is what she wanted to do. :) I picture it as the toughest job of all, you have to be present and that is not easy.

So Dear Eat, you are a wonder :), do not ever think you are "just a mother staying at home".

 

[Kb3]

So Dear Eat, you are a wonder :), do not ever think you are "just a mother staying at home".

:cry:-in the good way. Thank you so much.

Your mother really missed out Rain. God bless you. ((((((((Rain))))))).

 

[maddog]

Oh, I so agree with Rain. Being a parent is truly the greatest and most important job in the world. To take rsponsibility for the life of another and to act with integrity and commitment to honour that responsibility is, in my humble opinion, the most meaningful and significant role we as human beings can play.

It's also among the toughest, and the one with the greatest consequences for harm if it goes wrong.

I think that many of us here can attest to the unmatched significance of a parent's role in a child's life, be it positive or negative.

I'm not sure that I could do it... and I admire, truly, deeply, admire, those who do it with your passion, commitment and courage.

Don't ever, ever minimise what you do!!!

And on another note, in reference to your previous post about your day, it made me smile, in that sad, ironic way. "Walking implosion" and "undercover lunatic" are phrases I will remember - I could change my user name to one of these!

Thank you for painting so eloquently the true hidden trauma of living with trauma.

Maddog