I'm Tired - Why Isn't Suicide A Solution?

[keifer]

I haven't had that pain for two weeks now. Anger is what I feel now. I got help because everyday I wanted to know why I didn't pull the trigger and the anger/pain was like a living hell.

Life is better. At times I do wish I was just dead as I'm very angry because I'm stuck with a bad knee and just absolute hatred of the medical community and sometimes the world in general.

I won't say suicide is wrong or a temporary solution. It does impact those left behind. Which is the greater pain isnt the question. They say suicide is the solution when all options have failed. This I'd most agree with.

I feel for those left behind who know not the pain of the one who died. I don't feel for the dead one as they are dead. Sure I wish they didn't die, but how do you support them in that pain?

I've been there alone and wanted nothing to do with no one. One thing I could have used was to hear someone say I'm here for you even though I can't do anything but listen or sit quietly. I'll even do that.

Yeah, not quite the walk in the woods.

 

[keifer]

My guide thinks depression is affecting me. I want to disagree but I haven't slept well in past week and I do fit a few items on thliat as well. I didn't even address suicide.

I'm getting emotionally stuck, hence ptsd, in my journey. I went home early agitated just to read for an hour and then just crashed. I did the same last week.

Headaches and anger for 4 hours or more followed by being hyper for the next 2 days. Afterward, I felt like was just beat physically tired.

I intended to skip yoga last night. My yoga instructor called me late yesterday afternoon wondering if I was ok. She works where I do and since I'm missing at work lately, wondered if I was ok. I didn't want to talk. I got real hyper. I assured her I was ok. I wasn't. I didn't want talk. I didn't go to yoga.

I made a reference to PTSD being like POW. My guide gave a reference to read. Mans search for meaning by frankl. I have nothing to focus on. No gf. No kids. I feel truely alone.

One of my friends says everyone deserves to be happy. I agree but I feel I dont. My guide said that's pretty common in PTSD.

If I was a POW right now, I'd light one up and wait to be shot. I think I should be on medication but I loth doctors and hospitals so no way I'm going to enter that place to tigger me further.

I think I'm going to quit seeing my guide but the timing is off. My guide yhinks I should see a doctor about high blood pressure as my anger just drives it pretty high. I quit taking my BP as it just triggers me.

The chest pains are not that bad. I told my guide, I'll think about calling 911 after I'm on the floor but I dont trust them so I dont think I would.

What do you focus on?

 

[Britt.f7]

Don't mess with high blood pressure and chest pains. People ignore them and end up in the hospital. I would hate to see you do the same, especially since that isn't a place you like to be(to put it mildly).

I wish you the strength to take care of yourself.

 

[Dissociation]

I just can tell you that I relate a lot with what you say.

 

[keifer]

I wrote that on my birthday. I still feel a lot of pain. I quit therapy. Base doc said I needed to get better or I'm out. I quit fighting. I'll retire and it won't be their problem anymore.

I really dont know what I'll do. I just want to withdraw from people. I'm 44 and I'll never have a relationship. Life really isn't worth anything being alone and in pain. I'm sorry to say that.

I can't go to VA as I dont trust them. Some say goto the ER. Yeah right, go to place that gives you amnesia drugs because they can do what ever they want. Like a girl who's been raped goes to their rapest for help. That makes all the sense in the world.

 

[Britt.f7]

Keifer I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Remember things can and do change. It can get better. I've been in that spot quite a few times in my life, and yet, here I am. Family and all. It isn't easy. I know that. Just to let you know, I feel where you are and I am sorry for that. I wish I could do something to help. Reach across and hold your hand, pat you on the back. Anything to let you know, you are not alone and there is help and hope.

 

[WendyA]

@keifer Based on your profile pic and the status it seems that you loved your dog very much. I would never suggest a replacement for him, however, have you ever considered trying to get a PTSD guide dog? I was just reading about them the other day and it may reach you in a way that other things can't. It may provide just enough strength to get you moving forward. I don't pretend to know because I am really struggling with all of this myself. It is a lot easier to dish out advice than to take it. You are not alone in your feelings even though you may be physically alone and in your head you may feel so incredibly alone. I feel the same way. I feel like I am just hanging out here with no help. I have isolated a lot and the one that remains is stressed and not able to support me the way he once did. Without that I am completely alone because he was the only one I found that could reach me. Anyway, I didn't mean to go into my own problems, but I just really wanted to type words that let you know someone was thinking about your pain, acknowledging it, validating it, identifying with it and wishing you strength to keep going toward something that we may all think is impossible at some points, happiness. :unsure:

 

[keifer]

I'm better today aside from getting a MRI this morning. I've thought about a dog but I am not sure what to feel. Keifer picked me out vice me picking him out.

@WendyA you hit the mark on a lot of things.

 

[keifer]

I found a wolf hybrid in Texas. 18 hours one way. I might do it.

 

[WendyA]

@keifer I think you totally should and I am not one to normally give out advice. Keep us posted.

 

[WendyA]

@keifer How are you doing?

 

[novemberDark]

I might do it.

Hi Keifer question.

Why don't you just go and let him/her check you out ?.