Im Trying To Hold On To My Relationship While I Learn To Cope

[HOPEFULHEART82]

I finally found a man, who is kind and compassionate, however just the realization of this has triggered me. We've newly begun dating, and as it would happen, we met by chance. I thoroughly enjoy his company etc. But have triggered so badly that last night I told him that I didn't want to deal with him because I'd only hurt him.

Saturday of last week, I would up divulging very intimate details of myself without meaning to, to him and am so embarassed not to mention afraid that at any moment given the right push hell throw it back on me. I've become comfortable with talking to him, but coupled with enough scotch whiskey and I was a regular chatty cathy.

He's understandably hurt, I don't want to lose him, but its torturous to know that he knows me in a way that I wasn't prepared to let him into. I feel caught between my fears on both ends. Losing him and him hurting me.:(:(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Perhaps give up the liquor if it's already ruining a new relationship?

 

[franciemarnie]

You know what they say - in vino veritas. I probably misspelled that.

Everything seems alright under the influence, even the things you would never do or say normally. A lot of people who have loosened up when drinking regret what they say the morning after. All you can do is move on from here.

For me - alcohol and PTSD don't mix. I have been where you are. I feel for you. It hurts but it's human. Maybe he is cool with it. See if you can let go of it. Maybe reconsider the alcohol next time. It really screws up your sleep too.

 

[nursenurse]

The feelings you are experiencing are common to everyone, PTSD or not. Doesn't make it easy, though. I would so like to wave a magic wand and make it easy and wonderful, but I can't. A common thread I find in all sufferers is the notion that they are not good enough. I say damn to hell all those folks and events in your lives that made you feel this way.

Just use your head a bit, take your time and more time, and more time yet, before declaring your love for another person. There is always a risk of being hurt, but there is always a risk of being loved. As a (once) supporter, and as one who supports friends I have made on this forum, do not put words into our mouths, nor try to think what we might be thinking. Some of us have so much love to give, and hurt and pain come with love at various stages in life. Some of us are capable of loving others warts and all, as it should be in any relationship. But you will never know unless you are honest with him and give him the chance.

And yes, as Francimarnie and Solara mentioned, stop the booze. PTSD or not, an overabundance of alcohol can turn the best of us into idiots.

 

[HOPEFULHEART82]

Thankyou, all. I agree, alcohol is not my friend right now, seeing as my ptsd has gotten worse in the past few months. I'm guessing it's because I ran out of room in my mind to hide things in, and it's all spilling out. I'm usually okay drinking, but I was so nervous. Never thought I'd run into a good guy again.

@nursenurse

PTSD or not, an overabundance of alcohol can turn the best of us into idiots.

You're so right, lol. It's hard because I have zero coping skills, so everything is raw.

 

[bell]

Hmmm... alcohol. So fun, yet so evil...

First of all, as hard as it may be, realize that what's done is done. Secondly, do you want to go back to him and explain more or do you want to let him go? (I know you don't want to let him go, but I also have PTSD, so know this isn't so obvious always.)

I have said the same thing to, er, several people and it sucks. It sucks even more when they go, "Okay," and then go. At least yours didn't. I'm not in a relationship now, but when I get into the next one, plan to go slow enough that they have a chance to realize what they're getting into. And plan to be honest with them that I'm scared...

So I say, if he's still sticking around after the other night, give him a chance, lay off the alcohol, and go forth slowly.

 

[HOPEFULHEART82]

@bell - Im there with you in all of what you're saying. It's just hard as you know. He hasn't left but I am now receiving the cold shoulder from him because he feels so hurt. And since I have no coping mechanisms at all, I'm overwhelmed, hurt even more, and feel like he's pulling away until he recovers his emotional investment, so that he can walk away cleanly. He barely talks to me. And I'm truly trying here, my eating, sleeping, and concentration is totally affected. Waiting for him to come around is doing more harm than good in my opinion to a person who suffers as I do.

 

[Annie B]

I don't know how much help this will be, but I had similar destructive tendencies (I'm not talking about the alcohol-I'm not a drinker) when I was dating my husband. I had never dated anyone who treated me well. We were friends at first then started to date for some reason. At one point I felt compelled to divulge some info to explain my coldness and other issues (very serious headaches, isolation). I would have never told him had I not felt safe and like it was the only way to move the relationship forward. I immediately regretted it though, since I never tell anyone anything. To this day, not even my family knows about PTSD! He took it pretty well and it didn't seem to bother him at all. But me being a crazy person, his understanding freaked me out. I didn't feel deserving and I was mortified that he knew my deepest secret and still wanted me around. That's a lot of pressure. I felt like it was best for both of us to cut him loose. I broke up with the poor guy twice after that! It was awful! I was awful. And I'm very lucky and blessed that he didn't run away like I wanted/expected him to. But then something happened and I just knew we were supposed to be together. I changed my ways, stopped pushing him away and I finally committed to loving and being loved. We got engaged shortly after. Our marriage is happy and very supportive despite my struggles.

I guess my point is three things: 1. you deserve someone who cares about you. You have value and deserve happiness so don't allow yourself to push people away. 2. He deserves to be treated nicely too. It will be necessary at some point in a healthy relationship to communicate more than you're inclined, and it will be necessary to balance your needs with his to make it work for both of you. 3. A good relationship is SO worth the effort, even when it feels overwhelming and painful. If this isn't the right guy, another one will eventually come along and you'll have learned from this experience to make the next one better. My looong healing process began the day I decided to be his for real. We help each other to be better people.

Don't beat yourself up too much! Easier said than done eh? ;) good luck!!!

 

[HOPEFULHEART82]

@Annie B Thankyou so much. This helps so much. I am grateful.

 

[nursenurse]

@Annie B , good sound advice, whether one has PTSD or not :)

 

[aj1]

@HOPEFULHEART82, I am speaking from the side of your boyfriend.

Knowing her story was very hard for me. I really didn't want to know any specific details. Its not that I didn't care, I hate to think of her being hurt. It also made me want to be her everything. I cannot speak for your boyfriend, but if he comes back make sure to work on communication. His boundaries of knowing will be very crucial to it working if he is like me.

 

[HOPEFULHEART82]

@aj1 , I agree with you. He has come back, but as can be expected, I'm at arms length. Which is hard for a person like me, but I have to continually remind myself that he has feelings too. As for communication, It's the single hardest part for me. Since I've become so symptomatic, to say that I've felt raw is an understatement. I feel all of my emotions that I always was numb to, as well as the emotions of everyone around me. Magnified at that. I feel as though I've turned into an empath. LOL.