I'm under a lot of pressure and I'm crumbling

[SeekingAfrica]

This isn't to ask for sympathy, this is because of the hope that if I write here, if I talk, if I chat with a crisis line I will somehow push past this moment like I have in the past. I've been struggling with my recent unemployment. I've been struggling trying to set goals and believe that I will get past this moment. What really sucks is that last year at this time I had no work and I worked hard to find work and I had stable work for almost half a year and then for reasons unrelated to my performance I am unemployed again. And it's like it doesn't matter what was in the middle, it's a year later and I'm in the same position. I've been trying to be proactive. I've been trying to be positive. I've been trying to pay bills, even though each time I have no idea how I'll pay the next one after that. I've been trying to work an awful project because I need the work.
I've been trying.

But today I just... I can't.
I woke up and I just...couldn't.
It didn't matter if I need to apply, if I need to work on the project or simply do dishes. My chest feels like there is a rock on it all the time, my faith is crumbling and I just couldn't. And I keep catching myself having these dark thoughts. Like it would be easier to SH that to deal with this. It would be easier to just slip out of reality. It would be easier to just... I'm just crumbling under this constant not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I do good for a couple of days and then everything I have left goes for one of the payments I haven't completed that has become urgent for whatever reason. My days are overfilled and I need to do it all to get out, but also I can't do it all, because this is how I slip in depression and anxiety cycles. I know somehow I've gotten through this and so I am trying, although I don't know why, I don't know how. I know nothing except that I will write here now, and I will talk to a crisis line after. There is a part of me that is aware that just because I can't work for the day or there is some uncertainty isn't a reason to give up. That I have been through way, way worse, many times. But that's just it, how do I find the strength in me to keep going? And so here I am. And off to the crisis line. I need this moment to pass, I need this moment to pass so badly.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

This isn't to ask for sympathy, this is because of the hope that if I write here, if I talk, if I chat with a crisis line I will somehow push past this moment like I have in the past. I've been struggling with my recent unemployment. I've been struggling trying to set goals and believe that I will get past this moment. What really sucks is that last year at this time I had no work and I worked hard to find work and I had stable work for almost half a year and then for reasons unrelated to my performance I am unemployed again. And it's like it doesn't matter what was in the middle, it's a year later and I'm in the same position. I've been trying to be proactive. I've been trying to be positive. I've been trying to pay bills, even though each time I have no idea how I'll pay the next one after that. I've been trying to work an awful project because I need the work.
I've been trying.

But today I just... I can't.
I woke up and I just...couldn't.
It didn't matter if I need to apply, if I need to work on the project or simply do dishes. My chest feels like there is a rock on it all the time, my faith is crumbling and I just couldn't. And I keep catching myself having these dark thoughts. Like it would be easier to SH that to deal with this. It would be easier to just slip out of reality. It would be easier to just... I'm just crumbling under this constant not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I do good for a couple of days and then everything I have left goes for one of the payments I haven't completed that has become urgent for whatever reason. My days are overfilled and I need to do it all to get out, but also I can't do it all, because this is how I slip in depression and anxiety cycles. I know somehow I've gotten through this and so I am trying, although I don't know why, I don't know how. I know nothing except that I will write here now, and I will talk to a crisis line after. There is a part of me that is aware that just because I can't work for the day or there is some uncertainty isn't a reason to give up. That I have been through way, way worse, many times. But that's just it, how do I find the strength in me to keep going? And so here I am. And off to the crisis line. I need this moment to pass, I need this moment to pass so badly.

Dear SeekingAfrica,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. I can most definitely relate to the feeling of being unable to go on any longer..
My advice to you would be to try to not put so much pressure on yourself in this present moment. Okay today you are unable to complete job applications, and that is okay. Today allow yourself to be sad, to feel overwhelmed, to do whatever it may be that feels right for you in the moment. Tomorrow, you can re-visit this. Perhaps you will find just a tiny bit more strength tomorrow to go through even just one application? Little and often, step by step you will get this sorted but in the meantime be as kind to yourself as possible.

I hope this feeling shifts for you!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Dear SeekingAfrica,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. I can most definitely relate to the feeling of being unable to go on any longer..
My advice to you would be to try to not put so much pressure on yourself in this present moment. Okay today you are unable to complete job applications, and that is okay. Today allow yourself to be sad, to feel overwhelmed, to do whatever it may be that feels right for you in the moment. Tomorrow, you can re-visit this. Perhaps you will find just a tiny bit more strength tomorrow to go through even just one application? Little and often, step by step you will get this sorted but in the meantime be as kind to yourself as possible.

I hope this feeling shifts for you!

I think this is the hard part about it. The rare times I have such day taking time off feels like a luxary I can't afford(whether it's 10min or a day), and I feel disgusting for feeling so weak. And I keep thinking- okay, let's say I'm taking the day off, at least I can order, surely seeing my place more clean and organized is a step forward and feels good- but I can't breathe or move and the idea of all the tasks needed to get my apartment clean feel suffocating. Or at least if I were able to make a cleaning plan that would mean that on a certain date(like a week from now for example) my apartment will be in order and at least one thing in my life would be better. I can't concentrate on my favorite TV show that makes me feel better on a good day- now it just makes me want to cry more. I can't work on my planner which usually calms me(putting order in my life, essentially) or on my goals, because I'm suffocating and barely holding it together. Every hour of time I take for myself feels like I'm stealing time from doing all that I should be doing. And I wish at least there was some enlightenment in all that, some plan that I haven't thought of before, some new thought that would keep me going, anything that would make the fact that I'm taking the day off worth it, anything to achieve over these 24h rather than simply survive. Something, anything that would make me excited to wake up tomorrow. I know the things that make me cope with anxiety and depression. None of these work on a day like this.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

I think this is the hard part about it. The rare times I have such day taking time off feels like a luxary I can't afford(whether it's 10min or a day), and I feel disgusting for feeling so weak. And I keep thinking- okay, let's say I'm taking the day off, at least I can order, surely seeing my place more clean and organized is a step forward and feels good- but I can't breathe or move and the idea of all the tasks needed to get my apartment clean feel suffocating. Or at least if I were able to make a cleaning plan that would mean that on a certain date(like a week from now for example) my apartment will be in order and at least one thing in my life would be better. I can't concentrate on my favorite TV show that makes me feel better on a good day- now it just makes me want to cry more. I can't work on my planner which usually calms me(putting order in my life, essentially) or on my goals, because I'm suffocating and barely holding it together. Every hour of time I take for myself feels like I'm stealing time from doing all that I should be doing. And I wish at least there was some enlightenment in all that, some plan that I haven't thought of before, some new thought that would keep me going, anything that would make the fact that I'm taking the day off worth it, anything to achieve over these 24h rather than simply survive. Something, anything that would make me excited to wake up tomorrow. I know the things that make me cope with anxiety and depression. None of these work on a day like this.

It sounds like a lot of what you have mentioned here is your mind trying to convince you that you are not enough, that you are not going to do enough, that you aren't doing enough. Taking a 'day off' to make your place more clean and organised is not a day off at all! By cleaning and organising your place you are bringing stability to your everyday life. You are focused, and you are taking action to ensure that you have created a comfortable, organised, structured and safe environment for you to spend your time in - that is amazing! You mentioned yourself that doing things like working on your planner and putting order in your life is what tends to calm you... Organising your flat sounds just like that if you ask me!

I understand the frustration of pressure because I too can be so so so harsh on myself with constant demands of what I MUST or SHOULD be doing at each moment of everyday and it isn't easy to let go of those ideas but sometimes it is nice to just accept that right now you are doing the best that you can, and if it calms you in the process it sounds like a win win to me!

I totally feel your pain regarding coping mechanisms and them not being effective on 'days like this'. I too have been having these days for what seems like forever now since forever! Days on which I see no way out.. But I like to remind myself that I have survived every one of those days so far and be naively hopeful that I will get through this one too! You can do it! Get your apartment in order and believe that that is an achievement in itself! One step at a time.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You can do it! Get your apartment in order and believe that that is an achievement in itself! One step at a time.

I actually couldn't do anything. For several hours all I was doing was fighting the impulse to self harm in some way. Some moments that felt just like blinding pain I can't think through, and some were pieces of memories of some of the worst things I've been through. Like my mind reminding me, you need a reason, there you go. So for few hours I was just fighting that feeling :(. And now it's very close to night.
I think the worst part was having that feeling like my life needs significant change, but change takes time. And imagining that a real change can take a year for example- that felt unbearable. I need myself back, I need to get my life in order. I will be 30 in few weeks and I'm fairly unemployed. It's an awful thought. Like I might have to feel this way for a year until I see real change. I need to somehow digest that fact though, because what is worse than that would be waking up in a year without having changed much at all. I don't know how to do this, get through this.
For today though, all I really need to manage is figuring out how to get enough sleep. To rest to be able to face tomorrow.

All I can really say is, I'm still here.

 

[Ronin]

You were fighting your own brain.... for several hours. Hard work, that. Hardest work, that.

What are your plans to get through the night?

Changes... If your life needs a big do over?
That do over can also be done when you actually have the spoons for it.
So that resting is not only well earned... but necessary.

You will be thirty in a few weeks... and are constantly working, or working ON working.

You know what is worse than not working in a year?
Not waking up at all.
Or not even being there, because machines do all your medication and breathing, as you cut too far this time, or took more pills than intended, or.... (insert any of the ways you SH, or actually, please do not.)

BE still here, SeekingAfrica. :)
(Aaand on the random details I usually keep to myself: Your nick makes me smile every goddamn time I see it. Makes me remember everything nice of Africa. Makes me remember sunrises, sunsets, elephants, the desert wind, the highness of the trees, the smiles, the stupid hours long market arguing, the difficulties of different darned dialects, all the times spent without shoes, all the times of stealing shoes and running, screaming that was full of life and mostly just yelling around, all the head scarves I cannot wrap right for the life of me and never could, the elegance of tall people I could all but envy, the....

The everything worth it.

Look all the job in mood management you do just with logging in. :D I should pay you. :hug:)

 

[SeekingAfrica]

What are your plans to get through the night?

I will answer the rest tomorrow, but just wanted to say about this. My plans- being thankful that my doc still has me take sleeping pills to get regular sleep and stabilize. After a day like today, I am very thankful this is still the case. So I am in bed, I had sweet cereal for dinner just because and now I'm watching a TV show and going to sleep. Everything in me is worn out from the day, so I just need to sleep. And then sleep some more.

 

[Ronin]

I will answer the rest tomorrow, but just wanted to say about this.

No need to, and awesome plan. :tup:

Yeah, wanted to know you will be safe for the night. Thank you for getting back to us with that.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Changes... If your life needs a big do over?
That do over can also be done when you actually have the spoons for it.
So that resting is not only well earned... but necessary.

You will be thirty in a few weeks... and are constantly working, or working ON working.

You know what is worse than not working in a year?
Not waking up at all.
Or not even being there, because machines do all your medication and breathing, as you cut too far this time, or took more pills than intended, or.... (insert any of the ways you SH, or actually, please do not.)

BE still here, SeekingAfrica. :)

I know I don't need to answer:). But writing on here helps me digest things in my life sometimes. Not sure how, but it does. It's been a long road and it's such a bitter pill to swallow imagining I might need a year to get stable and several to get rid out of debt or whatever. It's just...it's a lot.

I got through the night. I am still here. I don't know if that's a good thing, but I am.
But I feel broken. I feel like when I was physically sick for a week- but after 1 day of fighting like yesterday. Worn out. Wanting to do a lot but having very little 'spoons' (love that theory btw). My list of the day literally has 4 items'(for me that is incredibly little and almost never happens), and they are all small tasks, the tasks I couldn't put off for whatever reason, the ones that need to happen today. Everything else is a variable. It has to be, after yesterday. It's the way it is.

I spend the last half hour journaling, because my body/mind needs it and it just has to happen that way. I'm depleated and I have to recharge, it's not optional, it doesn't depend on lists or priorities. If I want to keep walking I need to replenish my mind so that I can believe that one day things will be better.

I thought about telling you the story behind my name on here, but I actually like the picture you painted, I hope you keep that. Anyway. It's hard, imagining it might take me say 3 years to be out of debt. But it would be worse waking up in 3 years still having that debt, right? I still can't digest that, but I took a mini-mini-min step by putting a year at a glance paper with 4 years on it, and I'm going to color in days with certain color if I paid some part of an exact debt and another color if I paid off one specific debt. And I will put tracker on the side for the year to mark how much I have paid off each month to see progress. Because I think during the last 5 months I did pay off 300-400$ of debt in chunks, but since I still have no savings and ended up unemployed, it's like my mind forgets that I've paid anything I owe whatsoever. And it was something, a start. So I want to start marking that. Every time I pay something off it's hard because I don't know if I may end up without money for food soon(and I did several times recently)- but I have still paid off something. I need to figure out how to remember that, because just talking makes me feel anxious.

For whatever it's worth... I'm still here.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm glad you are still here.

Using the planner to record and recognise your achievements is a good idea. Can you expand it to other areas of your life, so you notice the huge amounts you are doing instead of focussing on the little bits you miss. Discounting the positive is such an easy pattern to fall into.

It might be good to plan in rest and recreation days. People aren't built to work non-stop, and when we try our bodies and minds start to scream for a break. It is too easy to experience that natural need as a need for the negative ways of coping.

How hard would you find it to praise yourself for resting?

 

[SheWrote]

This isn't to ask for sympathy, this is because of the hope that if I write here, if I talk, if I chat with a crisis line I will somehow push past this moment like I have in the past. I've been struggling with my recent unemployment. I've been struggling trying to set goals and believe that I will get past this moment. What really sucks is that last year at this time I had no work and I worked hard to find work and I had stable work for almost half a year and then for reasons unrelated to my performance I am unemployed again. And it's like it doesn't matter what was in the middle, it's a year later and I'm in the same position. I've been trying to be proactive. I've been trying to be positive. I've been trying to pay bills, even though each time I have no idea how I'll pay the next one after that. I've been trying to work an awful project because I need the work.
I've been trying.

But today I just... I can't.
I woke up and I just...couldn't.
It didn't matter if I need to apply, if I need to work on the project or simply do dishes. My chest feels like there is a rock on it all the time, my faith is crumbling and I just couldn't. And I keep catching myself having these dark thoughts. Like it would be easier to SH that to deal with this. It would be easier to just slip out of reality. It would be easier to just... I'm just crumbling under this constant not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I do good for a couple of days and then everything I have left goes for one of the payments I haven't completed that has become urgent for whatever reason. My days are overfilled and I need to do it all to get out, but also I can't do it all, because this is how I slip in depression and anxiety cycles. I know somehow I've gotten through this and so I am trying, although I don't know why, I don't know how. I know nothing except that I will write here now, and I will talk to a crisis line after. There is a part of me that is aware that just because I can't work for the day or there is some uncertainty isn't a reason to give up. That I have been through way, way worse, many times. But that's just it, how do I find the strength in me to keep going? And so here I am. And off to the crisis line. I need this moment to pass, I need this moment to pass so badly.

The moment does pass. You know that, you have been there. It may seem like an eternity before it does, but it will pass. I know it is hard. My heart goes out to you dear one. I have been there, so many times before. But, there is hope and there is a way out. You CANNOT give up! Please don't let it defeat you. You are too important, special, precious and needed in the world. You were created for a purpose. So please keep fighting.

Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend, family member, mentor? Talking always helped me, once I decided to open up. Don't lose you faith, keep talking to God, He is there, always, He never leaves you. He loves you more than anyone and so wants to help you get through this. You are not done yet... there is so much more life for you to live!!! Fight like you've never fought before... it will be so wprth it! I am praying for you. HUGS!!!!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

The moment does pass. You know that, you have been there. It may seem like an eternity before it does, but it will pass. I know it is hard. My heart goes out to you dear one. I have been there, so many times before. But, there is hope and there is a way out. You CANNOT give up! Please don't let it defeat you. You are too important, special, precious and needed in the world. You were created for a purpose. So please keep fighting.

Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend, family member, mentor? Talking always helped me, once I decided to open up. Don't lose you faith, keep talking to God, He is there, always, He never leaves you. He loves you more than anyone and so wants to help you get through this. You are not done yet... there is so much more life for you to live!!! Fight like you've never fought before... it will be so wprth it! I am praying for you. HUGS!!!!

I needed to hear that this morning. I am trying to get this in order. I've been trying to reorganize my planner/bullet journal, I've been putting anything that comes up in my life on there, trying to slowly make order in my life. I had to put aside the work for a moment and I know this made me look bad in front of a client. But it's an awful client that sort of pushed me into more anxiety. That's not an excuse. I didn't want to be late, but I broke. I broke because I am barely surviving. Can't say that to a random online client though, especially super rude one. Will have to do my best now, and see how this plays out. I know practically I can manage the next 2 weeks, and then I don't know. I don't. And it's very hard not to give up, although I've survived other moments like that.
I'm trying to put it all on paper. I talked to a close friend yesterday, sort of black joking, helped. But I'll be 30 in like 10-15days and it's just...my head is a mess. I'm trying to put order in my life but it is a lot.