In A Domestic Violence Relationship At 17

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello. :)

I am very happy to see this site.

When I was about 17 I met a nice young man in high school. He liked me and we got to know one another. Maybe I was to young to realize or read the signs of abuse, control and manipulative behavior.

Maybe that saying "You made your bed now lie in it." was drilled into my head too much growing up.

It was all there. Right in my face. Why was it so hard to see??

He would have to see me all the time. He would cry if he couldn't, he would cry if his mother wouldn't drop him at my house. He would have to talk with me all the time. He would wait for me after school. He had to be with me ALL THE TIME.

When the sexual assaults started happening it was just another way of controlling and dominating me completely and he did that any chance he could. I was raped prom night very violently. When we moved into together it just got worse. Now being raped was just another part of my life. He would sneak me to his work so he could watch me. If he couldn't watch me then he would get his aunt in to "check on me". Sometimes he would even take me to his grandparents house becasue they would report everything to him.

My phone was taken from me. The computers in the house all had passwords on them, with some sites out rightly blocked and I was only allowed to use them if he was behind me watching everything I was doing. I remember watching him do all the computer stuff....I couldn't breathe becasue I had just started realizing that I lived in a jail. It was all starting to come together in my head.

I wasn't allowed out by myself. I didn't have a car or any money. He had a job but I would never see any of it. He liked to spend money on his car.

He never hit me. He was afraid people would see that. But he liked to rape me, choke me and hold knifes to my throat.

I think he was trying to get me pregnant so I would be more "his".

When I left him, he started raping me again but stopped becasue "it wont keep me here".

I was 18 and I moved back in with my mother who came to my room and wanted to know if I was back becasue we hadn't been paying the rent. How could I tell her? Because she is a big believer in "you made your bed now lie in it".

That was hard to write down. I hate the memories it brings up. :(

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome Ayesha and thank you for sharing "your made bed" and baring your story as I am sure it brings up painful memories.

Thankfully I was never controlled like you however I can imagine what it was like to some extent as my step father was very much like this man in controlling my every move. He would even calculate what time I should be home from one of my few allowed activities of basketball. If the game ran over or I walked home a little slow I was in trouble. I was rarely allowed to stay after a game and talk unless of course he was there. While I didn't have official watchers, I lived in a small country town so if you rubbed your nose up the street, by the time you got home 10 minutes later everyone would know and by that stage you had "picked your nose" so I was often frightened of doing anything wrong. That happened up until the age I left which was around the same age you mention. I cannot imagine how horrendous it would have been adding rape and 'torture' to that situation.

You were very brave for going back home; I'm glad you had that option and despite having to lie to your mother, I hope it at least gave you back some freedom. It's sad you couldn't tell your mother and she had such a harsh attitude towards life. I understand for some mistakes you need to pick up your own pieces but not for what you suffered and endured. How were you to know. Sheesh, I ended up in 3 bad relationships and I never once went out looking for one.

Please take your time and I hope by sharing your story with others who understand we can perhaps help you work through some of what happened. I know that 21 years down the track I still can't get my head around what one man did to me yet supposedly loved me., let alone the other two. He tried to strangle me once and when I finally had the courage to leave raped me as farewell sex. I hope by opening up someone, from somewhere might be able to shed enough light on my experience for me to put it to rest in my mind.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's sad you couldn't tell your mother and she had such a harsh attitude towards life.
I understand for some mistakes you need to pick up your own pieces but not for what you suffered and endured. How were you to know.

I should have told her. I should have told her I needed help. I knew when I was crying all the time I needed help.

I could write a whole thread about the mess of shit my mother threw at me when I lived with her again. The thread would probably be called "I Almost Hate My Mother". Can't do that though. It was some of the worse depression on my life. Consistent suicidal thoughts and plans.

 

[Nicolette]

I should have told her. I should have told her I needed help.

Please don't blame yourself as surely she would have been able to notice something was wrong?

I don't see my mother anymore - I "should" have told her things too but I don't believe she would have been the support I needed. I can relate to your possible title but like you I'm guessing, you know she is your mother and that's the one thing stopping you and if it isn't, it is what stops me. I don't hate her but I don't also think she will ever have the capacity to be the mother I have yearned for all my life :(

 

[Nicolette]

It was some of the worse depression on my life. Consistent suicidal thoughts and plans.

I'm so sorry to read this. I can't speak for you or know what you were thinking but you were still a young lady, a child really, and to not have support and nurturing when hurt and 'damaged' by a cruel man must have been devastating. I would have thought you would have needed kindness, love and support to be even be able to being to process what happened for you.

It is so soul destroying when what should be your network of love and support (family) fail you. :cry:

 

[intothelight]

Ayesha,

It is really difficult to share these things and thank you for opening up. :smile:

Maybe that saying "You made your bed now lie in it." was drilled into my head too much growing up.

I have to admit that I really hate this saying as this thought process is used by many parents (and others) to remain in denial, to avoid dealing with the violence, or to shift blame to the victim. Abuse is not something that a person voluntarily seeks and it is something that no would should feel they have to accept just because they find themselves in an abusive relationship.

Abuse was the reason I left my parent's house, so I too felt that I had no place to go to escape the abuse in my marriage. I only hope through education, awareness, and sites similar to this, that parents realize the integral role they can play in preventing or stopping abuse in its tracks.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I have to agree with intothelight. I hate that saying my daughter said that to me when I left the ex. Just the most horrid thing to say to anyone.

@Ayesha I am sorry you suffered the isolation and the abuse. You are so brave to have gotten yourself out when you did. Some times parents are so ignorant and self centered. I found investigating different personalities helped me understand that some humans have major problems. How could they have compassion if they do not have the capacity to love. Not an excuse for thier behavior because it is painful and unjust. The facts to help us understand that is not us.

tb