In Public With Loud Children-- Do You Say Anything?

[Nam]

I have four kids. One of them threw the most awesome fits and one of them was a tri-tone screamer (she had it the moment she came into the world.). I have one that won't hold still for anything and doesn't mind making noises where ever he goes. My last one is petty good. I don't have much to say about that one. But I tell you, it's exhausting. What you might be seeing is bad parenting, but it also might be a parent too maxed to do anything. It might be kid that was good all day at another place (grocery store) but couldn't keep it in at the library. I've been there. I guess I'm more tolerant of it all.

I was on a touring bus trip up into the mountains with my four month old. She was great on the way up but screamed all two hours on the way down. Her ears were killing her. And there was nothing I could do about it. All the soothing tools I had were exhausted. There just wasn't anything I could do. I felt bad for everyone on that bus, but most of them understood. I apologized up and down because it was awful. People stopped talking amongst themselves because it sounded like a horror movie.

I deleted most of my post because @sun seeker above said it better than I could.

And remember that eventually, you will use these moments to test your ability to get back to normal, or at least tolerable. You might not be able to do it now, but eventually, if you decide that you are going to stay and hear this because you don't want to leave, you will have to implement some coping techniques to help yourself. You will find out what works for you and what doesn't. So instead of thinking this sucks real bad, these moments might be opportunities instead. (I'm sure you think I'm crazy...but I remember. I couldn't use the toaster because I couldn't stand the noise of it being done and springing the toast up. There came a point where I used the toaster on purpose just to know how to handle it. A kind of exposure therapy, I guess.)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I didn't want to sound snarky, but whatever, here goes. I think that some people who are commenting have NO clue how debilitating sound can be. It is by FAR what upsets me the most and its not something I can "coping skill away" because my nervous system is fried. So sorry if I feel like I have a little damn seniority in this world and don't feel like putting up with someone else's screaming brat. I chose not to have kids for a reason. Everyone wants a perfect kid but nobody actually THINKS what it would be like "worst case scenario". You took a gamble and lost. Suck it up and don't make everyone else suffer because we made better decisions than you.

Yeah, I'm a bit fried at the moment because of noise. This EXACT same situation as described in this thread. Loud kids this morning. And yeah, I take offense to someone telling me that this sh!t is a learning experience from which I can grow. Learning experience my ass. Its like telling someone to get used to the beatings as you start to numb them out over time and don't feel it anymore.

 

[Friday]

So sorry if I feel like I have a little damn seniority in this world and don't feel like putting up with someone else's screaming brat. .

It's the same argument. 2 people need food at the grocery store. You & a parent.

There is no seniority. Killing either of you is murder.

Only real difference is... Leaving young children home alone is abusive & neglectful, as well as potentially lethal, as is not feeding them, and as adults, we have choices in our lives, while kids do not.

At an entertainment venue, the same argument applies: 2 people want to enjoy themselves. 1 is, 1 isn't. Doesn't matter if you're not enjoying yourself because the other person is loud, stinky, black, female, etc. When a minority is impinging on the majority, the minority is asked to leave (unless there are laws against it). When it's 1:1? Neither person has more right than the other.

Learning experience my ass. Its like telling someone to get used to the beatings as you start to numb them out over time and don't feel it anymore.

The learning experience is that you are an adult and have choices. And can leave. There are zillions of grocery stores. Go somewhere else. Or can spend $10 or $20 on high-def earplugs. Or many, many, many other things. Feeling helpless is entirely different from being helpless. Triggered by noise is feeling helpless. Being beaten is actual helplessness.

 

[Neverthesame]

It depends on the day, as far as my mental state is concerned. The situation does also play a factor.
When I am feeling stable, small children are not anymore annoying to me than yapping dogs, squeaky brake pads or loud mobile phone ringers. That is all to do with me being a tired crotchety old man, at 30. Ha.
When I am feeling unwell, symptomatic so to speak. I find crying babies to be the hardest to deal with. I just have to leave the area. No amount of blocking it out helps. At the same time, babies cry. This is what they do. Small children that shriek, is not pleasant. I may fire the the parent a dirty look, but beyond that I just try to look around, see that the scenery around me is a restaurant or grocery store. Not a motor vehicle accident scene, or any other unpleasant call, I would have had to go to in a previous chapter of my life.

I find that to be very helpful. I can then find it easier to appreciate the fact that I am witnessing a child just being bratty.

Not easy to do, I am not always successful, but at any rate, that is what I try to do.

 

[zeropoint]

I appreciate the replies this has generated and everything that's informed them. I understand why this is a sensitive subject all around, and I don't want to make light of that.

I do, however, want to attempt to bring this back to the crux of my initial question, which was what the best course of action is in the moment when I'm trying to go about my day and the loudness of screaming children with *seemingly* inattentive parents is triggering and incredibly disruptive.

Nowhere am I saying that the kids are or are not autistic or have or haven't behaved well elsewhere that day or that single parents do or don't have this or that harder. All I know is what's given to me, which is that I'm super triggered right then for reasons most parents cannot fathom, i.e. PTSD, which limits my ability to be in a public place, and I want to make the best of a situation that's not fun for anybody involved.

 

[Seagreen]

Could you try wearing ear muffs or a thick beanie over your ears? I guess that depends on the climate you live in. Headphones maybe?

Children's noise can be really difficult to cope with. I have children.

 

[sun seeker]

I realized after posting that there was a way to make my point more clearly. I know your question was about what you should do in the moment when being triggered by screaming children. Here's what I would do, but I'm not saying it's what you should do.
1. Offer to distract the children. Works better than confronting the parent and is more pleasant all around.
2. If that doesn't work, leave if at all possible.

I fully appreciate that I have no idea how hard it is to be triggered by noise. What I was trying to point out is that no one ever really knows what is going on inside another person. Someone who isn't triggered by noise doesn't know what that is like. At the same time, someone who doesn't know another person's family situation can't know for sure that a parent who is apparently oblivious to their child's behaviour doesn't have mitigating circumstances. We just have to do the best we can.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I raised two children and they never got dragged into malls or restaurants where they were expected to behave like adults. Really people, pick your battles with toddlers.
I can't stand screaming toddlers. I have learned that spending a little more for a meal out means it's less likely of a place where kids get dragged into. Food courts in malls drive me nuts.
I have not been to a mall in at least ten years. Why do people strap their children into strollers and expect them to act like they're in a coma? Not to mention all the toxic fumes they get saturated by.
My mother taught second grade and she took Sugar Daddy candy on field trips and gave it to the worn out hungry kids on the way home. It glued their teeth together and they were quiet. Too bad you can't offer kids candy without being labeled as a pedophile but it sure worked for her.
I like Friday Jones advice from a PTSD perspective. You notch the noise down to a tolerable level. Then enjoy your food. My sister used to take her three kids grocery shopping but pretended she was their Aunt if they acted up. There isn't a single child development expert that endorses dragging young children into being trapped in an environment that is terrifying them.

 

[illusionist]

I just smile to myself.....if the parents have the self control not to lash out at them, I'm happy. It's when I do see parent lashing out either verbally or physically that I do react to the parents, not the child.

 

[Nam]

To answer your question:
For me, there are 3 possible avenues:
1. Cope
2. Ear plugs (avoid)
3. Leave

I didn't mean to offend anyone. @Solara (I'm not sure she will get this since she's unreachable in every other way: tagging, message, etc.) We all learn in different ways. By giving a method that worked for me does not indicate that I didn't suffer. I just happened to be extremely proactive in my therapy and did what I could to make my world more tolerable. Also, to indicate that people made bad decisions by having a baby/child that screams? Really? I don't even know how to respond except, "good for you?"

@FridayJones basically said everything else. Coping with loud noises is nothing like getting a beating. I should know.

 

[Candleflames]

Have issues with both sounds and crowds. Loud shrieking children grate my nerves but not nearly as much as loud boisterous adults. I deal with both the same way I leave as soon as possible. Even if that means I only get half my shopping done. What I have in my cart or hands is going to be good enough. If I'm not shopping I just move to another part of the place.

How do you deal with other loud noises? Can't you implement the same coping mechanisms?

 

[catjudo]

Unfortunately, this thread did seem to take on that parent vs non-parent adversary that I've seen here lately and expected to see again. Regardless, I've had time to think about this more and I'll try to offer my opinion.

I never know what I feel entitled to say/or do in situations that involve other people's parenting skills.

As a person with PTSD, I do understand how triggering and painful these loud noise situations can be. I deal with it. Sometimes it is difficult but tolerable; other times it is unbearable...it depends on how symptomatic I am in general at that time. As a parent I would say that you're never entitled to say or do anything involving other people's parenting skills unless you are observing a situation in which a child's actions are putting them in danger and the parent hasn't yet noticed. For example, I see a mom with her hands full and more than one kid on a sidewalk and one of the kids looks like he's about to dart into the parking lot...I would gently intervene by getting in the child's way and reminding him he needs to wait for his parent or adult before he leaves the sidewalk. This is usually met with a thank you from a grateful parent for assistance in averting a potentially dangerous situation. Outside of some other similar type scenario, you have no entitlement to involve yourself in other people's parenting skills.

At the same time, I don't think I should have to stay away from every business a child could possibly be at.

And children, or people with children, shouldn't have to stay away from every business you could possibly be at.

Awesome, awesome things, drummer's earplugs.

These sound awesome. I will definitely be checking these out. Thanks for the tip. :)

At the same time, babies cry. This is what they do. Small children that shriek, is not pleasant. I may fire the the parent a dirty look, but beyond that I just try to look around,

@zeropoint That. In my opinion that is about the sum total of what you're entitled to do in these situations. You can give a parent a dirty look and hope that it gets your point across. But confronting them or interfering isn't really acceptable.

I do, however, want to attempt to bring this back to the crux of my initial question, which was what the best course of action is in the moment when I'm trying to go about my day and the loudness of screaming children with *seemingly* inattentive parents is triggering and incredibly disruptive.

Actually, your original question was what you are entitled to do or say in the way of interfering with other people's parenting skills. I think that's been answered. Nothing.

I raised two children and they never got dragged into malls or restaurants where they were expected to behave like adults. Really people, pick your battles with toddlers.

Why do people strap their children into strollers and expect them to act like they're in a coma?

I'm so happy you had that luxury. Unfortunately that's just not realistic for everyone. Not everyone has someone who can watch the children while they go to the grocery store or pharmacy or mall. Maybe those children who you think have no place in a restaurant are actually on a road trip with their family and have no choice but to eat at a restaurant. Even if a parent has the choice to leave a child at home rather than take them shopping, sometimes they actually do need the child to be with them. Child needs new shoes? The most efficient way is to take the child to the mall to shop for the shoes... buying shoes to bring home, try them on, return them, buy a different pair, bring home, try them on, return them, buy another pair...that's just plain ridiculous and even more exhausting than just taking the child to the mall. Dealing with the mall crowds that many times over a pair of shoes would certainly send my PTSD symptoms into overdrive. And before you declare that all people who have children but not readily available childcare should be relegated to only shopping online, please know that isn't always realistic either. I know I certainly shop online when possible but there are some items for which my child is difficult to fit and needs to try on multiple versions to find the right style/size. Those parents and children have just as much right to shop at the mall as you do.

My mother taught second grade and she took Sugar Daddy candy on field trips and gave it to the worn out hungry kids on the way home. It glued their teeth together and they were quiet. Too bad you can't offer kids candy without being labeled as a pedophile but it sure worked for her.

Sorry, but if that's how your mother handled loud or excited children, it doesn't sound like she was really much of a teacher. Giving sticky candy to worn out, hungry children so as to essentially glue their teeth together and give your mom some quiet isn't really TEACHING them anything. Teach them how to have an appropriately quiet conversation with their seat mate during the ride. Encourage them to quietly read a book on the way to and from school. This was a teachable moment and there are plenty of proactive techniques that can be taught to children rather than trying to glue their mouths shut with candy.