In Such A Hard Place Again

[HelenB]

I feel really crap even writing on here and being in such a hard place, but am struggling so much at the moment and just feel like I need to somehow let myself feel those things, even though it is so hard, and thank those of you who are reading and care so much.

Everything has been very hard recently with all the things coming up, and for the first time I have known I can no longer say all the things which happened did not, but inside myself I am just struggling so much to deal with it and even cope at all with any of the emotions. In so many ways I have to cope, and do want to be able to. I have an amazing husband and four amazing children, but yet again even wanting to keep going for them feels so so hard, and again I feel even more crap for feeling like that, and just feel so scared that this is never going to end, and that as the feelings and emotions which are so real from my childhood get so much closer to the surface, that I just am not going to cope. I already feel so much like I have completely fallen apart, and when I feel like I am just about getting on track again, it can again feel so hard, and I really am so scared.

I want to run and run and run so much. I know I am safe now, but it is still so hard.

I don't really know why I am writing on here and whether I can even expect it can help, but just feel so scared and hope you don't mind me reaching out on here, as I know there are so many good people who really do understand here, and I thank you for reading so much.

Helen

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hi Helen you sound like exactly the kind of person who would be nice to talk to. Lucky really, in a way, to see you on here but sorry you aren't feeling well. Great that you have a family to support you. I wonder if I'll be able to be a decent mother/spouse someday, is why it would be helpful to hear more about your situation. I feel more comfortable with a private conversation though. Would you like me to open one?

 

[Echo]

@HelenB - I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. You are always such a loving presence here on the forum. I share this agony of childhood stuff emerging. It is overwhelming isn't it, when you let it come close. I feel like I'm spending so much energy in keeping it at bay, but of course to heal we have to let it close, bit-by-bit. I hope you have a good therapist who will help you deal with it gradually. My darkest days are when it all comes to the surface, but it definitely helps to break it down where possible. I am new to it though so can't offer you any tips, just a big :hug: of understanding. Echo x

 

[marylouise]

Bless you, Helen. You are not alone. I'm in a hard place too. Today I have one thing I have to do to keep the wonderful life I've built going, and it feels impossible. Like you, I want to run and hide - even though I know logically I am safe. The rest of the world would think it's ridiculous; only people who understand trauma can know what this feels like. Thank-you for posting. I don't feel alone.

Today I am trying to remember:

This too shall pass.
The only way out is through.
Let go, and let God.

 

[HelenB]

@JBS I am not sure why I sound exactly like the kind of person you would like to talk to, and do not know how much I can write at the moment, but you are welcome to open a private conversation if you would like.

Thank you so much @Echo for your kind comments. Everything definitely does feel very overwhelming at the moment. I do know it does have to come to the surface to be able to find healing and rationally do know that I have come a very long way in being able to face up to and accept the realty of so many things, but emotionally it just feels like turmoil. I know I could not survive any more the way I was and that there was no way I could shut it all out any more, but when it all comes up so many more connections to it all are there, it just makes it so much harder to even keep going at times, and though I do know it was not my fault at all, so much I still often fall back into that way of just blamig and hating myself instead, as it still in so many ways feels so much safer, and then that leads me to such a hard place, and one I know I really do not want to be on any more, even though it is so hard to face anything else. As I said before I just feel so scared in so many ways. I know I have to hold on to what I have now, and I do have so many blessings, but again that can be so hard when I feel so bad and feel like such a massive failure anyhow.

I do have a very good therapist, who I have been seeing on and off for a long time, who has also been doing another lot of EMDR sessions with me, and I also have have ministry with a Christian ministry centre, Ellel Ministries, where I go for a few days to have personal ministry every couple of months, and I can also contact them when I need it too, and I know that they really are safe places, where I can deal with it gradually as I am having to face all the things. Breaking it down and thinking about it now, I know helps me think about it and the fact that I do only have to do it a bit at a time, and I do thank you for your understanding so much.

@marylouise I am sorry to hear that you also feel that you are wanting so much to run, and hope you can find the safety you deserve too.

This too shall pass. The only way out is through. Let go, and let God.

Thank you also for this. I know it is so important for me to also remember and I really am trying to believe that this really will pass, as I do know the only way out is through, but that God is there in the middle, and that is safe.

Thank you all again so much
Helen

 

[HelenB]

I don't want to add too much more now, but this evening I ended up just asking my husband if he would look after the children for me and took the time out to go to our evening service. It is always a small service and I knew it was about psalm 23 today, which is a very safe psalm for me and one which I often find helpful when I am in such a hard place.

Though I am still feeling very vulnerable and in a pretty hard place, I feel a lot more peace than I did, and again thank you all for your replies and support.

Helen

 

[franciemarnie]

It gets so awfully dark sometimes.

Safe hugs to you dear Helen.

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much @franciemarnie. It certainly does get so dark at times and is scary how quickly it can come on and how hard it can be to get out.

Safe hugs appreciated so much.

Helen

 

[Echo]

@Helen - it is agony. I am there with you and I could have written every single word you wrote about how you are feeling. I hope you also find that it helps being here where you don't have to explain yourself to anyone really, though obviously it helps us all to write some of it down. It is just so massive and overwhelming and goes so deep, doesn't it? My spirituality is what lifts me out of it and reminds me that I am not of the darkness that surrounds me and has harmed me. My role is to do the opposite where I can, and I feel very much that is also what you do here. I try to visualise it as darkness that I can ask to daily be removed from me and I asked instead to be filled with divine light and strength. Having that breather and time for ourselves to regroup in what we know to be the real truth must be central to our healing, I feel sure. I hope you feel you are held up in your darkest hours. Echo x

 

[HelenB]

Thank you @Echo. It certainly does help so much to be here where people understand so much and really does feel so massive and overwhelming when it is all going so deep. I just feel like I have completely fallen apart at times, but know that it is true that the light really is the only thing which can penetrate that darkness, and that even though it is so hard, as I do allow more and more to come into the light, that only can bring safety and is so important.

It is crazy in many ways how in myself because so much of me has been in the darkness for so long, it is even to hard to be able to come into the light at times, and in so many ways I still feel so scared of everything, and in those times just want to give up completely so much, but I know it is a gradual journey and process of being able to learn to trust and know there is safety in that light, and am trying so much to be able to do that, and thank you for your understanding and support as I am walking through such a hard part of my journey.

Helen

 

[Echo]

Yes, the hard thing can be accepting the light when we have believed bad things about ourselves. Somehow it is easier to believe those things than to think badly of our abusers. Everything is so shocking and keeps being shocking doesn't it? But Helen, we have survived and that makes us very strong. I hope every day is a step towards releasing it all and re-forgetting it! It is hard to know such awfulness exists in the world and to be met in general with such ignorance about it. But this place is a godsend. Keep sharing and being your lovely self. Good night, Echo.

 

[Bedbug]

@HelenB, I am sorry to hear you are struggling. You have helped me through some hard times recently and I will never forget some of your kind words. I know how you feel and just wanted to reach out to you.