In Such A Hard Place Again

[mytai]

@HelenB, you've been such a blessing to me on here. Just want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm glad you were able to ask your husband to watch the kids so you could take time for yourself and go to the evening service. I know for me, asking for what I need is difficult (sometimes impossible), so congrats to you for being able to ask for something you needed - especially since it was such a positive thing for you.

Something I've learned about trauma and childhood memories, the more you ignore them and stuff them down, the harder they fight to surface. They come because it is time for us to face them and deal with them (at least this is what I believe). Make sure to take time for yourself like you did tonight though. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions, denying yourself that can make things a lot harder - I know from experience, as I am notorious for denying myself the ability to express emotions.

Safe hugs if you want them. Sending you love and support Helen.

 

[kitty12]

I'm in a very similar place right now. Thank you for being open and willing to share about what you're going through... it helps knowing that other people really *get* it.

 

[HelenB]

I have come back to this post having just come out of my last session and everything just feels so overwhelming at the moment, and I know I have to keep hold so much of that hope. I am scared. Scared of the past, scared of the present and scared that I cannot keep going to the future any more, but knowing I have to. I am trying to fight so much but feel like I have so little left to even keep going.

I know so many of you are also going through such hard times and do not even know what to write, but know you all give me so much inspiration and that that little girl part, who is still so terrified, needs so much to be safe, and I am trying so hard to be able to do that.

My therapist today wants me so much to keep myself alive, and I know I have to, just am finding it so hard. I want to make it all go away, destroy everything about myself and never have to connect or feel any more. I know I have to not do that. I know my little people need and deserve so much more, I know tat that little girl inside me deserves so much more, but I am so scared.

I don't really know what else to say really. I usually see my therapist fortnightly, but she had a cancellation next week and is going to see me then, and I know I do need to keep going and keep trying, just am scared.

Sorry for being pretty crap on here. I haven't even decided if I will actually post this, but probably will before I read it back, as I know it is not going to help to just feel it all inside me, and thank you all for reading and am sorry for being so crap.

Helen

 

[Echo]

@HelenB - oh how terrifying for you! I am so sorry. I won't write at length, but I just want to say, please remember that these are historic feelings. They are the awful painful feelings that your little self felt when she just didn't know what to do with the pain. It is not about now, even though it absolutely feels like it. What can you do to ground yourself and be gentle with yourself right now? You are such a lovely person, please don't let your abusers win. You are not being "crap", you are in hideous pain. Can you ask your little you to step back a bit, tell her that you love her, want to help her above all else, and that the only way you can do that is to survive and heal?

Be kind to yourself. Keep talking to us here.

Gentle hugs from me, Echo

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much @Echo. I just feel so much like I want it all to go away. It is hard to feel anything other than hatred towards myself at the moment. I know that is not ok and on so many other levels do not want to feel like that, but it is so hard and still so so scary.

The person who all the stuff is coming up about is also somone who I am still in contact with, and though I know in so many parts that he did hurt me, there was another aspect, where in a home where I was neglected and things were so hard anyhow, he also brought a certain level of stability too, which wasn't there on other levels. In myself now I feel torn, though we do not have much contact he contacted me this week and I also got a text from him just before my session, and in that capacity it was the good side, and side I want so much to be reality, but which is so mixed with all the negative and things I just want to get away from so much. It leaves me feeling very mixed and very torn, knowing I can in no way shut it out any more, but screaming at myself and hating myself, because I do not want it to be real. I want it to be ok and go to that shut down place where it all just doesn't matter any more, but just can't and know it is so scary and leaves me so much just wantin to give up on it all and I am so scared.

I know I have to keep thinking of that little girl, that little girl who is so terrified and hurting and deserves so much more, but it is still so so hard.

Helen

 

[Echo]

@HelenB - yes, so often our abusers also provided us with forms of safety and even kinds of love at other times in our lives. I feel this torn about my parents. It is just not simple black and white, is it? No wonder though that you got so distressed and triggered if he has been in contact. I know the only way to deal with this deeper trauma work, has been to ask my parents to step back from my life for the time being. I would be in an utter state with phone calls and e-mails from them all the time. Is there any way you can ask for some space, too, without divulging anything, or block his communications or not read them or something similar? I know how terrifying the prospect of contact from my parents is to my younger selves at the moment. My therapist has encouraged me to put myself first in all this so many times, and this seems to be the key. Maybe your little self would really appreciate it as a way of you sticking up for her and feel more protected?

 

[HelenB]

It's a difficult situation with it at the moment, and the contact was needed and important to support someone else in our family, who he was concerned about and wanted me to be there for, but I just find it so hard and feel so torn between his concern and and knowing he does care for us, and then having so much else going on inside too, which I just want to get rid of and destroy so much. Again there is so much fear and so many mixed feelings and it really is so hard.

Again I know I have to validate those feelings of that little girl, and that I cannot hate and destroy myself so much, but it is so hard, and feels so so mixed. I know the most important thing for me in that little girl state is that I do not go back to being so angry and hating her and shutting it all out, not letting myself believe it is real any more. I know it is real, I know I have to not let myself hate that little girl any more, but in so many ways I still want so much for it not to be real, and the more connected to it I become the harder it gets, and then that self destruct becomes so powerful again, as I do just want to get away from it all so much, and in those places do not even feel as if there is another way and still feel so much that the anger is safest directed at me and that I am just bad and horrible and dirty anyhow.

Again I know that's crazy, but its there fighting it all all the time, as it feels the only way to keep safe, and I really am trying to feed in that it is not now. It is not happening now and there are other ways to keep safe, but still feel so scared. That little girl is terrified. She feels like he is here and is coming and really is so scared.

I can't let myself go into it now. I have to get myself in a safer place and hold that little girl so much more, and really am trying to.

Thank you again so much
Helen

 

[franciemarnie]

((((Helen))))

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much. Trying so hard to be back in mummy mode now that I have to be for my children, but finding it so hard and just feel like I am screaming am screaming so much on the inside.

Really appreciate your support so much. Hx