Sufferer Incest survivor learning how to talk

[AidaKay]

So, I guess this isn't actually talking yet, but baby steps right?

I was molested and raped by my brother over several years. I spent about 15 years keeping silent. I refused to admit outloud or on paper what was happening to me at the time and continued to do so until a couple years ago.

It is so difficult to find words...but feeling speechless conflicts so completely with the overwhelming obsession my mind and body seem to have with the rapes. I feel incredibly stuck in so many ways. I don't sleep much. When I'm alone I just feel consumed, but I play the part of a normal functioning human being with friends and family.

Therapy has been helping. I feel less anxious knowing that I am investing in my mental and emotional health weekly. But, in choosing to deal with this trauma it has come so much to the forefront of my life.

I want to be able to talk, at least maybe with people who are more likely to understand all the confusion, conflicting emotions, frozen anxiety and dark places.

So this is my attempt at lifting my silence...my attempt at finding a community to support me while I try to reconcile my silent self with my vocal self.

Any advice or personal experiences of becoming more comfortable labeling and talking about your traumas are appreciated.

Thank you and hello :)

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the community @AidaKay. I don't think there is an easy way to feel comfortable in sharing, other than by experience. I think the more you feel comfortable here, then you opening up will come naturally. Don't force it... you're doing just fine. Baby steps is exactly how you get through trauma in one piece, so well done.

 

[Nilrath]

Hi Aida!

First and foremost, before I welcome you, I want to tell you that I admire your courage. Wowee! Know that you are NOT alone, and that a lot of us here will be able to relate to you in terms of the anxiety, dark places, confusion, etc. Congrats on reaching out, and I hope that you find a home here. Welcome!

It is definitely quite normal for your trauma to come to the forefront of your life during therapy. It's part of the healing process. Think of your trauma as a wound that never fully healed. Often times, the pain that comes from the trauma must be "re-opened" to make sure that this time when it heals, it heals.

It's very nice to meet you.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Hi, @AidaKay, and welcome! I'm new here myself, but have found tremendous relief in knowing I'm not alone, and that the folks here really, truly do understand. Like @anthony said, take your time, baby steps is exactly where to start if that's where you are. Starting from where you honestly find yourself is exactly the right place to start.

I can also relate to that feeling of "wordlessness" and "speechless terror." It is not uncommon, and you're in good company here. I agree with @Nilrath, I admire your courage in joining the community and submitting this post! For me, decades after the abuse I survived, many years of therapy, followed by 15 years of not being in therapy, I'm just now at a place where I'm talking about "the details" to my new therapist (T.) She is the best T I've ever had, she has been nothing but compassionate, trustworthy and encouraging, yet I still fear her response and possible rejection, and feel very ashamed. I find it hard to open up and fit my mouth around the words I need to speak.

I sometimes bring my art journal to t just to show my T certain pages, and use that as a jumping off point. Art and writing has been very healing for me; perhaps you can find a creative outlet that doesn't require language or verbalization to express your feelings? Check out the media images section for some ideas, or just google art therapy, art journaling, or expressive arts therapy (which includes music, visual arts, dance, performance, and other types of creative expression) for ideas.

Good luck, AidaKay! I'll see you around the site. Here's a hug if you accept them: :hug:

 

[AidaKay]

Thank you everyone. I spent a lot of last night looking around the site, seeing how other's are using the features, and reading articles.

I appreciate the support and welcome. It helps to ne reminded that I am where I am. I cannot run before I can walk ( no matter how much I'd like to).

I also really like the art therapy suggestion. It is actually something I've been thinking a lot about and struggling with. I am an artist and I think I have been worrying about what I would divulge in making art about this or what I would have to say about it if I made it. But with that suggestion, I feel a little silly because I know it can be just for me and it can be a starting point...again baby steps and not over thinking.

Sometimes it's the simple things people say that get you to see things in a different way. I think I like it here already.

Again, thank you for welcoming me.

 

[Aimes]

I just found this forum after having a ptsd therapy session with my CBT therapist and a Google search attempting to understand what I'm experiencing during the Therra Tapper use of ptsd treatment.

I was sexually abused by my step father as young as 7 or 8 years old for a number of years before I became scared and found my voice ,I feared at puberty he would keep his promise and rape or "have fun like adults do" as he so disgustingly called it.
However it has taken me years of talking to shrinks and reliving the abuse, being treated with every drug they could throw at me, feeling like a test monkey in a lab before I as of last year found a foreign psychiatrist a with a different concept. A Romanian doctor that looks at medication only as a tool to use during the act of actually fixing the issue at hand.
A first ever for me!
He diagnosed me within minutes of talking with full blown PTSD and borderline personality disorder.
He highly recommended I see a therapist that utilizes a newer form of cognative behavioral therapy that is not the light therapy that has such a bad name.
She uses vibration tappers and I said I would skeptically give it a try.
After 6 months of weekly use, I rave abiut Tracy and her form of CBT. I have for the first time in nearly 25 plus years since first abuse am finally getting the intrusive thoughts, the intense fear and debilitating attacks of anxiety and distress under control.
I am finally able to be intimate with the lights off for the most part and actually feel like I can talk about my past and remember it, but it cannot control me or my future.
This is huge for me. It had controlled me for so many years.
Huge hugs ti you for being brave enough to share your past with us and welcome.
I am here if you need me and am willing to share here or via pm if you want.
And hello to everyone else here!
I guess this us my introduction and my opportunity to show I care and can relate in the same post.
Best Wishes,
Amy aka Aimes

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

baby steps and not over thinking.

I over-think all the time! I'm very cerebral, analytical, and live in my head a lot. It's a safety behavior: spinning and spinning in my head thinking I can just intellectualize, reason, research or think my way out of my anxiety. Art making on the other hand is visual, tactile, wonderfully absorbing and distracting ... And it could be freeing, grounding, peaceful, energizing or even cerebral if I want it to be. So glad to hear that the suggestion resonated with you. Funny, I keep running across artists here ... :tup:

 

[watundah]

Greetings! Fellow CSA survivor and artist here. It takes a long time for the pieces to fall in place sometimes...grounding techniques, memories, body memories when there are no mind memories, learning to reduce dissociation.sharing...hang in there. Bit by bit, we release trauma slowly. I like doing art therapy I think because the focus becomes my work vs me.

 

[Rumors]

Welcome and sending you loads of healing thoughts. It's hard...I'm not there either. I've been working at it for a while but I refuse to give up. My future depends on it!

 

[Missycat]

Hi and welcome to the forum.
Well done on taking those first baby steps. Do things at your own pace , you will have a lot of support from everyone here.
I absolutely understand the difficulty in speaking out, i am currently in therapy ( 30+ yrs after the CSA /incest that lasted for 7 years) and am only just talking about what happened - in fact i havent actually spoken about any real detail. I found it easier writing down what happened and i then send it to my therapist via email - this gives her an understanding of what is goinf on with me. Having a therapist with an understanding of trauma and CSA was important to me and having the option of being able to write down my experiences etc has also helped.
I wish you well on your healing journey.

 

[AidaKay]

I over-think all the time! I'm very cerebral, analytical, and live in my head a lot. It's a sa...

Yes I have spent many an hour, day, year? Trying to intellectualize what I am beginning to realize must be emotions! Lol :) love everything you said.

 

[watundah]

Writing is very helpful to me, too. I find sitting quietly with my thoughts to be much easier and things flow vs being observed and under pressure to talk. Sometimes I write in session. Reading my writing aloud switches me from the intellectual to emotional in a heartbeat. It can be quite surprising. There is no wrong way but sharing your story can be a huge release valve.