Sufferer Increased symptoms when you're alone?

[betterthanyesterday]

Am I the only one who manages to keep everything under control until you're alone and then suddenly you're freaking out inside and cant help but have a mind full of nothing but the past??

 

[Muted]

Am I the only one who manages to keep everything under control until you're alone and then...

No, you’re not alone in this. Sometimes when I’m by myself a panic sets in and I go from doing great to having minor mental meltdowns.

 

[betterthanyesterday]

It might sound crazy, but today is the first day I've truly been ALONE in over three years (besides being at work which I'm never alone there). I thought I was doing so well and getting to a better place with everything, but nope there it is again. I am a vet, twice deployed and a two time rape survivor. Normally, I can disassociate well enough to get through life day to day and be good enough but societal standards, but this being alone....it's killing me. My brand new husband thinks I'm losing my mind, but to be honest...he doesnt know everything and I hope he never will...or maybe he should know?? I dont know what to do. He thinks he's doing something wrong and I dont know how to tell him it's not him.

 

[Muted]

Do you think it might help him understand better if you did tell him? I don’t think you have to get into every detail, but it might help him to better help and be supportive of you when things get tough like this.

 

[betterthanyesterday]

I do but at the same time he always wants to know every detail of absolutely everything. And if I'm being honest....he knows of one rape and when he's mad at me he always brings it up and almost talks to me like I'm a liar because to him he doesnt understand how it could happen and me literally shut myself down and ignore it. He expects a woman to basically be a puddle on the floor after something like that, but because I'm not he assumes I must be lying or changing it for some reason and it's so hurtful to know the one person in my life that should support me no matter what uses it against me.

 

[Muted]

I can understand how that would be incredibly hurtful. It doesn’t sound real safe to share what happened to you with him at this point. Not everyone understands how people survive trauma, if they aren’t educated about it they can’t be ignorant. Are you in therapy?

I also think it’s difficult to discuss details until you’ve worked through some of it with someone who is incredibly safe.

 

[betterthanyesterday]

Not anymore. I was a few years ago, but to be honest it made me worse. It made me feel more out of control and feel more to blame than anything. I should probably include a few other tidbits....because of my past, upbringing and my current job (corrections) I tend to wear that very hard face where nothings wrong and I'm tough as nails....so when it comes to showing people somethings wrong or that I'm vulnerable it makes me feel weak and I view it (only for myself) as weakness. Another thing that has an impact here is that I am a Muslim woman. I struggle with the fact that my husband and my faith tell me I should act one way, but my independent, hardheaded nature makes that a fight.

 

[Muted]

The last t I went to (before my current one) made me worse too. I don’t think she had a clue what she was doing and when I quit I wasn’t ever going to try therapy again. I did and finally found a good t. Working thru stuff has been a lot of ups and downs, but never as horrible as it was with my first t.

It sounds like you feel isolated. I think it’s important to trust yourself. You will know when it’s safe to let down your guard.

I think you being on here is a great place to get some support by people who understand.

 

[betterthanyesterday]

I knew there were online support sites but I think I was being too stubborn. I've always been one of those people who thinks I can handle it.....yea this is really handling it. Since my kids are gone for the weekend I may have my husband sit down and talk a little bit about it with him, but I just want him to understand I dont want to talk about intricate details...because honestly...I cant remember all of them....Some of the things I can remember so well I can feel it but others are a blurr. I guess I can understand how he thinks I'm lying I guess.

 

[Dennis Lurvey]

It might sound crazy, but today is the first day I've truly been ALONE in over three years...

Tell him or loose him. Don't just tell him educate him. Make him your anxiety pet so he will be able to tell when you are getting anxious, get you out of those situations. Most of our panic is situational. For me it was getting in small places, claustrophobic, too close to high walls, feeling trapped I guess. It has taken me decades to know that my burping and hard to swallow was an anxiety attack as is suddenly having to pee. Learn everything you can together.

 

[Justmehere]

It’s super common that symptoms get worse at first in therapy... and then they get better. It’s because people start to face what they have been running from. A good trauma therapist would first work on developing a lot of good coping skills and being able to manage times like this with less distresss before ever jumping into the trauma itself.

Sometimes it can take a few tries to find a good therapist that is the right fit, and one that has the right tools to help with trauma.

As for having an exterior that seems tough as nails? Remarkably common as well. People say I’m tenacious. Most of the time, I’m terrified.

I come from the perspective of a different faith - but I can understand how hard it is to lean into vulnerability and interdependence.

People tend to react to trauma in very patterned ways. Some people, like myself and possibly like you, because super duper independent. My therapist says, “almost pathologically independent.” I always laugh at the “almost” part. I seriously WALKED to a pre-planned surgery once because I was so independent I didn’t ask people in my life who would have gladly given me a ride for help. Rather just do it myself.

Such independence is a defense mechanism against pain. It’s part of the reaction to trauma. Avoidance is a symptom, and avoiding vulnerability is super common for many sufferers.

You are taking a good step to begin to not avoid and reach out here.

Welcome to the forums! :hug:

 

[betterthanyesterday]

YES! We are very much a like in those aspects. It's so so hard to place myself in someone elses hands and be vulnerable when, it's my absolute biggest fear. I am just as independent as you are haha. I do not ever ask for help and regardless, I will always make life ten times harder on myself because I'd rather do everything myself because at least if I'm relying on myself and myself alone, I know I'll never let me down or take advantage of myself BUT I have my faith and my husband and the rest of my community telling me that that is not the way I should be....but I can't help it.
Another thing...things like fireworks, backfires, sitting with my back to the door, unexpected screams, loud noises etc.....my automatic response is of course, fear...but then anger.......I guess maybe anger because that instant burst of fear shows me as weak and I HATE that... but my husband and well really anyone who doesnt get it says "well cant you just like ignore it or get over it or something...." no sorry I can not.....it's gotten slightly better over the years I guess...but it'll always be there....I guess it's just less severe. My husband doesnt get why it makes me mad, I think he thinks it's a joke and I'm being playful...which is my fault because I play it off that way rather than look legitimately scared....so he will purposely scare me to "play"....he means no harm...but good grief it's killing me.