Here is a question; does anyone else deal with 'information management?' If so, how so?
I.e., excuses that are obviously manufactured, conflicting details in stories, dates that don't quite match up, inconsistent reasons for things...
I am normally a person who doesn't pry or ask a lot of questions, but expects that the things that I am told be factual and accurate. But with my sufferer, I feel like I have to listen to a lot of things that are told to me for his convenience, or to 'keep me from worrying,' or to keep his pain private. I don't want to force him to spill things he would rather not, but at the same time - I rely on things he tells me to paint an accurate picture of who he is and what he needs. If I can't take the things he says as true, what do I have?
He has maintained that this is not lying, because it is not about important things, and it is not really hiding anything from me - it is just saving him painful explanations. So I have called it 'information management,' rather than lying, because he is normally a strictly truthful person.
Example; he planned to visit us the Fourth of July weekend. He was all excited, we were going to do fun, low key things (avoiding the big, crowded fireworks display, which he admitted he couldn't handle), great. Three days beforehand, he suddenly couldn't. And his excuses were like listening to Jake from the Blues Brothers; "I ran out of gas! I--I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts!"
I told him I'd pay for his flight. He could stay with us if he was broke. Every excuse he gave me I shot down with logic, until light finally dawned; 'It's just too much social stimulation and patriotic brouhaha for him, and he doesn't want to admit it, because he made me a promise.'
So right now we have a little pact we are trying to stick to. If something is too much for him, he can just say; 'That's too much for me to deal with right now,' and I will back the hell off and not press him with rational questions, which make him feel persecuted.
It is brutally hard for him to admit he can't handle everything the world throws at him, but his letting me know upfront instead of giving me weird excuses has seriously cut down the amount of 'whyyyyy?' I give him, which makes him anxious. But I have asked him in return not to manage me like a five year old. It is sort of working.
Do you guys deal with this?
I.e., excuses that are obviously manufactured, conflicting details in stories, dates that don't quite match up, inconsistent reasons for things...
I am normally a person who doesn't pry or ask a lot of questions, but expects that the things that I am told be factual and accurate. But with my sufferer, I feel like I have to listen to a lot of things that are told to me for his convenience, or to 'keep me from worrying,' or to keep his pain private. I don't want to force him to spill things he would rather not, but at the same time - I rely on things he tells me to paint an accurate picture of who he is and what he needs. If I can't take the things he says as true, what do I have?
He has maintained that this is not lying, because it is not about important things, and it is not really hiding anything from me - it is just saving him painful explanations. So I have called it 'information management,' rather than lying, because he is normally a strictly truthful person.
Example; he planned to visit us the Fourth of July weekend. He was all excited, we were going to do fun, low key things (avoiding the big, crowded fireworks display, which he admitted he couldn't handle), great. Three days beforehand, he suddenly couldn't. And his excuses were like listening to Jake from the Blues Brothers; "I ran out of gas! I--I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts!"
I told him I'd pay for his flight. He could stay with us if he was broke. Every excuse he gave me I shot down with logic, until light finally dawned; 'It's just too much social stimulation and patriotic brouhaha for him, and he doesn't want to admit it, because he made me a promise.'
So right now we have a little pact we are trying to stick to. If something is too much for him, he can just say; 'That's too much for me to deal with right now,' and I will back the hell off and not press him with rational questions, which make him feel persecuted.
It is brutally hard for him to admit he can't handle everything the world throws at him, but his letting me know upfront instead of giving me weird excuses has seriously cut down the amount of 'whyyyyy?' I give him, which makes him anxious. But I have asked him in return not to manage me like a five year old. It is sort of working.
Do you guys deal with this?
