Inner Child/fragment Work?

[NutritionNerd]

One of the CBT exercises my therapist has me doing is called "Who's driving the bus". You keep a card with a picture of a school bus posted prominantly and at various times throughout the day you ask yourself who is driving your bus. I remember telling him one time I had a visual picture of a harried woman with a bunch of unruly kids hanging all over her trying to drive the bus.

A lot of things in life will make sense to you once you understand the theory. We believe we are one personality because that is what they have been telling us. Psychology is even less rigorous than normal research and anybody with a theory and a catchy set of words can get in on the game.

 

[LizBeth1]

That's a great practice, NN! I'm gonna try it. I can really relate to the visual you had, too.

 

[NIKI]

Very interesting thread. Thanks

 

[BloomInWinter]

This thread is freaking me out, I gotta admit.

It hits far too close.

 

[LizBeth1]

It's not easy at first but you can definitely hit a groove with it. Trust!! You can do it. Quite amazing/moving things can come from it!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Last night, this got me out bed and in life for the first time in three days!

Trusting that another bit of me is there and capable of doing that which I didn't feel capable of at the time...socializing!

Thank you!

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Wow! This has all been extremely helpful. I don't have any identifiable different parts of me yet. I think that will take more and more therapy still.

What does happen regularly when I am scared or feeling something is that I reach out for my service dog, a stuffed animal, and alligator, a blanket, a sippy cup, or my thumb. People know that if I am carrying around an animal that I am not doing particularly well. I don't know yet if I am taking care of a child part of me or just me. On the best day I am never too far from actually being a child. I also do not have DID, but I also am not far enough along in therapy yet to be able to feel things and make sense of them.

I am just now going through the process of learning to describe physical sensation in my body after telling or remembering various incidents. It's a great and calm way to access what is going on inside. With being able to feel my body I am coming closer and closer to naming emotions.

At times of deep stress I know what I need (e.g. putting my hands in a sand try, playing out scenarios with my animals, covering up with a blanket, running around outside, playing with water), but I have yet to be able to identify the needs with an individual inner child.

The concept for me makes complete sense and I know I have little kids of all different ages inside me (I can judge that by the needs that pop up), but I still can't distinguish any differences. I know they can be subtle, but I think I still have significant work left to do at therapy in order to figure all of that out.

I am a little envious of all of you who have figured out the inner children parts. I am looking forward to getting to that point. Thank you for leading the way!

 

[NutritionNerd]

Meditation and awareness exercises are very helpful for developing the ability to be aware of what is happening. Developing the watching part of yourself allows some small distance from what you are feeling. I have CBT exercises that I am supposed to do every time I am activated. The idea behind that is to get some part of your thinking mind working.

The questions that I have to ask when I have been triggered are:
What just happened that left me feeling abandoned or bad about myself prior to my anger?
How does this situation remind me of similar experiences I had when I was younger?
Is my interpretation of what they meant by their behaviors or words really the truth about me?
Am I in any danger?
Do I have to react in anger or is there another option?

I"m not always able to do this in real time, sometimes its a day or so before I can get to it. You have to be willing to be curious in your approach rather than thinking you know the answer ahead of time.

These exercises are not specific to PTSD but to the things that you react to. After I got PTSD I became very reactive so digging up all the deeper stuff that was causing me to be triggered in the past helps.

I often know I am in a child ego state because if I cry I hear voices calling "Mommy". Recently I had an experience that helped me get a better handle. I had bought some salmon for dinner which is a dish my husband fixes and let him know I wanted us to have it for dinner that night. He has ADD. At some point I was feeling angry because he hadn't gotten around to fixing it yet and the adult part of me said "why didn't you remind him?" The child state I was in just knew that asking was not an allowed thing. I didn't say anything to him about being angry - he knows when I'm in a funk to let me work my way out of it and I explain it to him later. The next day I worked through the exercise and figured out that I get triggered when I don't get fed due to very early childhood experiences of not getting fed. So I asked myself what characterized that state - the feeling of helplessness, the need to not make waves.

The next time I found myself feeling like that I reminded myself that I was an adult and very capable and able to do things that most people don't even know how to. It got me out of the state much faster.

We even have short hands for some of my triggers now - "Mommy, mommy look what I did" is shorthand for when we feel some accomplishment has been ignored.

 

[LizBeth1]

Oh NN, that is a heartbreaking story. So sorry you had that happening in your past. But it is awesome that you were able to use the CBT questions to move through it!! It's really helpful to know about this b/c I'm also trying to incorporate CBT things into the trauma work - I did CBT years ago before ever dealing with trauma, and it worked wonders at that time. Really helps organize things.

I have a similar reaction when I spill things. There was an incident when I was 10 when I spilled something all over the kitchen floor and my parents reacted in a wildly disproportionate way. Ever since, I have felt the urge to sob whenever I spill anything (on the floor, desk, in a store, etc). Shame, helplessness, rejection, abandonment, etc. It's amazing how powerful those lodged feelings can be... I realized that the part of me that worries about screwing up - as though it's a matter of survival - is "my inner 10 year old"... This is a perfect thing to work on using those CBT questions - thank you!

 

[NutritionNerd]

I get similar panicky feelings whenever anyone around me is angry - doesn't matter what or who they are angry with.

I think PTSD sort of opens up the flood gates for people who have a lot of traumas in their pasts. At least for me I have extreme reactions to things that in the past would have been minor.

My doc helped me understand why childhood traumas need to be dealt with and why they trigger flight or fight responses in us as adults.

If you think about it when you are born and for a good while afterwards you are completely dependent upon the caregivers you find. You have an inborn drive to attach in order to survive. Flight or fight responses get activated by many crazy things when we are young and habitually carries over into adulthood. You have to examine these habitual responses and rationally reassure yourself that they are nonsense leftover from when you had no means of surviving other than gaining and maintaining the approval and love of your parents.

I was 40 years old before I noticed behaviors that indicated I was still afraid of my mother.

 

[sandy]

I too am in the process of integrating several (8) parts/fragments of myself. It is a weird concept and I was resistant to it at first because i already feel crazy enough. With the help of my T it has begun to make some sense to me. These parts of me split off long ago and are very distinct in their purpose. They have safetly held parts of me, mostly emotions, and as I come to know them I have begun to "feel" the emotion. It is really hard for me as I am not used to "feeling" much of anything. I emotionally shut down before the age of 10. I have been journaling for many years and since starting therapy have felt alright allowing my T to read whatever it is that I've written since our previous session. In the past several weeks I have been letting these parts of me write in my journal. I feel super crazy because the hand writing is actually different from my own, but my T actually thinks it's really good. I'm able to give these parts of me a voice as they all struggle to speak. For many years I have wondered what those voices were in my head, turns out it has been them/me all along. It is tiring and frustrating and very difficult but I keep going forward, one small step at a time. (and on occasion several giant steps back) Thank you for starting this thread, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

 

[NutritionNerd]

It isn't as crazy as it seems and it isn't only trauma that creates these parts. Normal people have parts too and even get triggered into them. It's like our brain creates subpersonalities for us to use according to our needs - work is an example of a place where you likely have a very strong subpersonality. We have others for being a parent, being a lover, being a friend, whatever roles we regularly play - and we shift between them pretty seamlessly - not noticing how we have changed. I think most women will identify with the odd sort of way we feel when our husband's get amorous and we're in mother-mode.

It's like when you learn to ride a bike - after a while it becomes automatic thing that you don't think about - because the autonomic nervous system has taken over that task for us. It is the same way with roles - at first you feel awkward in some situation - a new job for example. You observe the people around you, learn what is the priorities, how to talk, dress, act etc. After a while you don't think about that stuff any longer - it becomes your workplace personality and you probably start shifting into it when you get dressed in the morning. If you haven't shifted out before you get home - something that can be hard to do - then you feel a bit jarred when you get home and now you're mother or wife role steps in.

Life makes a lot more sense when you understand this basic thing about human nature. We've all done or said things that were out of character for us and later wondered why - it is likely we shifted ego states. I know I have one that wants to break up my relationship pretty strongly and it caused a lot of damage before I realized what was going on. It just wants to protect me from being hurt.

When working with parts it's important to know you have a deeper wiser self that you can rely on. When you ask yourself things and really listen you will be amazed at the answers you get.