Inner Child/young Adult Work

[samson]

Hi everyone. Had my usual emdr session today. First one back after the 3-week holiday break. I had a good break, very little intrusive thoughts or flashbacks. I felt good about that.

We were able to pick up right where we left off before break. I am stuck in a memory right now about a sexual trauma/assault from a relationship that was 15 years ago. Today and the last time we met, he asked me to let that part of me tell me now what she needs to feel safe and heal. I am so stuck on this. That girl in the memory is totally confused and hurting - she doesn't even know what she needs.

The present-day me is mad at her. I look at that memory and I see someone I don't even know. That girl allowed herself to be in this abusive relationship for over 2 years. Part of me doesn't even want to help her - seems like she deserves what she is getting.

Of course, none of this came up in session today. As is sometimes common with emdr for me, I start processing more clearly after the session. Has anyone had a similar experience with feeling angry with another part of yourself from the past?

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Samson

I just went through a similar experience with the inner child work. That little girl is part of you. It was explained to me that when the trauma was happening she held the secrets to protect me. I blocked her so I did not have to deal with the whole truth ever again. We sort of split. (Not in an alter way) If you are interested in helping yourself in moving forward you can not be mad at her or she will disappear. You need all parts of you to heal. Does this make any sense? I know it took me a while to grasp or believe it.

I had to completely heal our relationship to gain the information I need for EMDR. I tended to her needs. I learned to love her. I asked for forgiveness for pushing her and her needs away for so many years. Got her a teddy bear and allowed her to help while doing things. I listen for her to tell me what she needs. I get to reparent her now. Sounds bonkers but it has worked so far. I do not share this very often cause the mainstream just wouldn't understand.

As with the processing mine continues sometimes for days after the session as it does for you. Sometimes I sleep excessively. After including the inner child work in the EMDR process it has been less emotionally painful! Hope this helps!

TB

 

[samson]

TB

Thank you for this response. You are correct when you say the mainstream thinks this is bonkers. I realized a couple of months ago that my therapy had reached a point that most of my friends would not understand. This forum is invaluable.

The self that I'm dealing with is a young adult. I've dealt with my 4-year old self and that was much easier. I saw her as an innocent girl who needed a hug and to be told that she wasn't bad. My mom administered some very unfair spankings when I was a little girl. Apparently very traumatic.

This young adult me is much harder to comfort in that I see everything being her own fault. I have blamed myself for many years for being involved in this relationship that led to the trauma. Seeing this is actually a breakthrough of sorts, I just have to figure out how to help her. I've been blocking her out for years now.

It's also a big help to hear someone else say that EMDR stays with them for days. I have alot of trouble keeping things locked in the vault we put them in at the end of sessions. Sometimes I just need to cry a bit more or yell and scream. At least the Zoloft has helped me greatly to focus at work and not be overwhelmed. I sleep for at least two hours after my EMDR sessions.

 

[safenow]

I don't know what EMDR is, but when I work on my young adults issues, I used to struggle. I too blamed them for what they did. But as I worked on my little and realized what they had been through, I began to understand the young adults. I have several of each so it gets rather yucky at times. Once I accepted them for who they are, and why they did what they did, it was much easier to love them and now, I rarely ever see signs of them in my life. I used to have 24 alternate personalities, now I only have a few. And mostly, we work together. I'm going to ask my therapist what EMDR is. This new stuff is fascinating to me. Must better than things used to be.

Just so you know, back when I was young, they locked mental (anything they didn't understand) cases up for years. Drugged us into zombies, or did surgery to remove part of the brain. Mental issues patients had zero rights. That's why people rarely talked about any problems. You wouldn't want to be locked up against your will and strapped down 24/7. From what I've seen, mental hospitals are now more like a sanatorium for resting than a coo-coo-nest like it used to be.When I'm inpatient, I no longer see people strapped down onto wheelchairs, drooling and slobbering on themselves. Or walking around in circles talking to themselves.


I think that's why it took so many of us older folks so many years to get stable compared to you people today. Yes, it still takes time, but nothing like 40-50 years just to be able to talk about it.

 

[quaintpapercut]

You are correct when you say the mainstream thinks this is bonkers. I realized a couple of months ago that my therapy had reached a point that most of my friends would not understand.

I know, right?!

This young adult me is much harder to comfort in that I see everything being her own fault. I have blamed myself for many years for being involved in this relationship that led to the trauma.

I have a trauma from close to 25 years ago (I can't believe how long ago!) in which I became involved in the relationship willingly. I do feel it is her fault and am not sure why she engaged with this person in the way she did. Im not as far along as you are in the process as I haven't really begun to even process the traumatic event . But what you said really resonated with me.

I think that's why it took so many of us older folks so many years to get stable compared to you people today. Yes, it still takes time, but nothing like 40-50 years just to be able to talk about it.

I knew this but it has new meaning coming from someone who actually lived it. I can't imagine how many obstacles you had in front of you and how lonely it must of been at times.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I don't know what EMDR is, .

Safenow

EMDR = Eye Movement Desensitzation Reprocessing

You can get info in the Wiki here at the forum!

TB

 

[safenow]

Thank you TB. I'll check it out. Just the name sounds like a seizure. Yuck. Better go read before I judge. LOL.

 

[samson]

I'm still working on my young adult/present day conflict. It's a big struggle. Last week I began to allow her to talk to me about how she felt when this trauma was happening. I had to shut it down in order to do my job.

I ran into a young girl that works at the JC Penneys I shop at. She is a beautiful young girl that I was drawn to immediately. She is so bright and shiny and happy. We have been friends (in the store) ever since we met 2 years ago. She began dating a guy last year, that I thought was wrong for her. She said it wasn't going to be serious. When I saw her this week, some of her light was dim. She told me about the struggle with this guy and how she really loves him and he makes her happy, but he will never go to church with her. There is a sadness on her face. I became so sad for her.

I left there and went to the movies. Halfway through I realized that she is my young adult self. She had gotten herself into a situation she doesn't know how to get out of. The only answer she has is to just keep going through. I began to cry in waves. I'm so sad for her and me all at the same time. I want to rescue her. She will end up giving up everything she is and this creep will probably end up leaving her after he has ruined her life.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I want to tell her my story, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm not through therapy and I'm just not sure what I can do for her. I will talk to my T on Monday - but until then do you guys have any opinions?

 

[samson]

Finally - some breakthrough with my young adult self. I've had two good sessions releasing alot of emotions that have been locked up for years. It was exhausting, but my T says it was really good work and the rest of what we have to cover will go faster. Thank God.

My younger self was really worried about my dad finding out what I was doing and how disappointed he would be in me. She was afraid he wouldn't love her anymore if he knew. My father died a couple of years after I got out of this relationship. My T asked if my younger self could have permission to talk to my dad (during emdr) and get what she needs from him to heal. It was really powerful. I know it sounds crazy - but it is so cleansing to go through this process.

I realized she was in an impossible and overwhelming situation. If she asked anyone for help she was afraid of being judged and that people wouldn't love her anymore. I have hope for the first time in a while. We have been working on this one memory now for almost 3 months. Wow.

 

[p-no]

What helped me tremendously was imagining any girl that age with the same story and become aware what that made me feel, what that made me want to do, what it made me think. When I had all those thoughts and feelings present, look back at my inner child. That way, the "picture" of my inner child connected with my thoughts and feelings (understanding, compassion, shock about what was done to her, all positives for her) for her and suddenly I had made the connection, addressing my compassion, understanding etc. really towards my inner child and not that child I had imagined to make it easier for me to relate.

This is difficult to explain, I hope it makes sense the way I have explained it.

I think it's what partly happened in that shop with that girl. But if you'd like to try, do not use a real-life person like that girl, but really make one up. Imagine a stranger girl coming up to you and telling you her story. How would you feel? How would you react? Would you want to hug her and keep her safe? Sometimes it's easier to have understanding and compassion towards a stranger. Once you have access to those feelings and thoughts, come back to your inner child.

I wanted to say re that girl in the shop that she is not you. It is important to focus on that. It does not mean that she will stay in the relationship with the boy she met and seemingly made her sad. She may back out way earlier than you have. She may realize what's going on and be able to take steps.

I am glad you had that breakthrough with your young adult self. There are so many ways to heal our inner children. No matter what mainstream understands or doesn't understand, just keep looking for the right one(s) for you and your inner child. She is the important one, and you are, too, if you know what I mean. :)

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

That girl allowed herself to be in this abusive relationship for over 2 years. Part of me doesn't even want to help her - seems like she deserves what she is getting.

I'm so glad that, with your latest EMDR session, you were able to understand that the notion of one "allowing" oneself "to be in" an "abusive relationship" is too complex a dynamic to be merely "allowing" oneself to fall into a trap. We go into relationships as healthy folks would (or I should say "with healthy intentions" because we might not even realize at the time that we had or have unhealthy tendencies), trusting that a person or potential mate wants to be good and healthy to us as we want to be to them. That's healthy.

Especially as young ones, that ever-present fear of how others will see us after we cry out for help is such a depressing societal force. One of the most difficult assaults I went through as a 17-year-old took me almost two decades to ever admit aloud to anyone, and that anyone was my first therapist.

I'm glad you find the EMDR working. May it continue!