Relationship Input From Sufferers

[BewitchedBewildered]

Trying, as always, to understand PTSD better. Read a lot of books and this forum has helped immensly.

I guess I'm asking sufferers who don't mind giving me some help understanding isolation better. I understand a little why sufferers do it, but when someone with complex PTSD does it by avoidance and stops all contact and then, after a long absense, wants back in a supporters life, what is that like?

I am having trouble understanding how for a year he didn't care if I was alive or dead and now suddenly wants back in. I know everyone is different, but was hoping for some ideas from people who have done this.

When you do want someone back, is it sudden? Do you feel remorse for pain you may have caused? Does being numb make you not care one day and then care the next?

And does the amount of time seem different for a sufferer? Do u feel like months or a year feels much less for the one isolating? I ask because my ex-sufferer acts like nothing has really changed between us.

I just want to understand the thoughts about coming out of isolation better. I'm trying very hard not to make assumptions and judgements.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[Friday]

I haven't talked to my best friend for a year. I've known her 20 years. I love her more than most of my blood family (and I come from a great family / have a lot of love for them).

The mistake in your premise, at least for me, is "not caring if alive or dead"... And the implication that he people we isolate from are out of our minds completely.

I think about her almost every day. More so, than when she was actually in my life every day. Then, I could wait for her presence. Without her here? I often spend hours thinking about her, although it's usually only for 5 or 10 minutes a day. I love her.

I am simply not able to be a good friend right now.

Friendships require energy, and I don't have it. There are 100 biological functions you could parallel to a PTSD-storm... Food poisoning, childbirth, pneumonia. I've had all 3, and I'm PTSD and there's not a lot of difference. Things that simply take over, and all you've got is the moment. Getting through the moment. The difference, with PTSD is that these storms can stretch. Not just for 3 days of labor or food poisoning... But weeks, months, years. It's f*cking exhausting.

And, no. I don't have the time or ability to deal with other people in those storms. Sometimes, even at a superficial level.

Are there lulls? Yes. Mostly I use those to sleep in the beginning. If I'm lucky, then the lulls will increase, and the storms will decrease, and I can go back to being a mostly normal human being. A bad run? 2 weeks of storms, 1 good day, 3.5 weeks of storms, a good morning, 2 weeks of storms, 1 good week, 3 months of storms (f*ck), a good day. Where things start to get better is when it's the inverse, a few good weeks. A bad day. A few good days, a bad afternoon. A few good weeks. A bad week. A few good months.

I've been at this a long time. I've learned to flat out ignore the first couple good days. Absolutely, under no circumstances get into contact with people. Because this blow isn't over, yet. It scares the shit out of me when the storms don't abate. Because, yes. This can go on for a year. Or more. Worst ever was 5 years. So I know how long I can be dark.

But I don't turn into a monster. I still love people.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you for telling me your experience. It sounds like some of what my ex had told me and helps me a little. And I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. Feeling as if he didn't care if I was alive or dead was my perception and hurt from my side of it.


I really can't thank you enough.

If you don't mind me asking, are you in therapy? Does it help with the depression? He went for his anger and grounding and trying to identify his triggers, but said they couldn't help him with the depression. He's very anti-meds, is that your experience as well?

 

[kagamine]

I agree with what @FridayJones has to say, it's not necessarily that we don't care, far from it. There are friends I have had for years that I care immensely for, but I regularly drop out their lives. Partially because I feel like they don't want me there and partially because when people get close to me it can feel like too much sometimes and I need space. Space turns into a tower of isolation that eventually becomes unbearable, and that's how the cycle goes, for me anyway.

 

[Friday]

@BewitchedBewildered No apologies necessary. We put the people we love through hell.

As far as meds & therapy go, we all have different experiences with them. Myself, I sit on the fence in a big way. Meaning I've had great and terrible experiences with both. I am neither for, nor against. They're tools and all tools can be used well or badly.

From an ideal clinical viewpoint, you combine the two. Meds combined with therapy in the beginning, in order to make therapy even possible, and then wean off the meds whilst in therapy and have another go. So round 1 with a crutch, and round 2 without. So that way you've got three sets of tools, yeah? Coping mechanisms on meds, copying mechanisms without meds, and then emergency meds for when the straight coping mechanisms fail. (For transitory things. Some things need meds long term.)

Thing is, the world is rarely ideal. Life gets in the way. And that ranges from having no luck finding a good counselor to take you through (or worse having a bad one), to not being able to find the right meds (everyone's neurochemistry is different, that part alone can take over a year of trial and error, easy, and sometimes there simply isn't anything out there that works well...

// Neuroscience is in its infancy. Mood & mind altering drugs don't work the same on everyone, and the side effects can be unsupportable. At the most basic level finding the right medication is all trial and error, and some people can't stand being lab rats, or have had enough bad experiences that as bad as it is off meds, it's still better than on... While others luck out and find great stuff off the bat. But it's all luck. There's no way to test and see which meds will be great, good, mediocre, bad, or hellish for your individual brain chemistry. It's all educated guess, but it's still guesswork, until you take them),//

... to needing to work, to finding a coping mechanism that works or "works" at least in the interim, to new trauma, to not wanting to mess up a good run, to not wanting to make a bad run worse (especially when it feels almost over -you kind of get a sense how long a run will be after awhile, even if wrong) , to, to. And on top of all that? There's no cure. So you can get yourself sorted and be good for years, and then it's face first all over again. Crap. Which means starting all over. Or scrapping everything and trying something completely different.

So meds and therapy are hard. They're also the only game in town. It's that, or try and shoulder through on your own. I've done both, with great and terrible results doing both. So I can't personally knock anyone's choices. Both have their merits in different ways. In out, on off.

My experience, though, says that whatever you're doing... There won't be any change. So if you want things to change? You have to do things differently. Either by putting theory into action, or by getting some new theory/direction! Otherwise, whatever the status quo is, it will stay apx the same.

I could be wrong. Often am. But that's my experience to date.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you. That all makes sense and does help me. I guess I just don't know how I can trust him not to leave me again. And yet, I want to help him. And I know I can't, it's not in my power. But, I love him.

Thank you again. I hope you have more good days than bad, more peace than storm for as long as possible.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think that there's a difference between 'help' and 'cure'. If he showed up again, then I think he wants to be around you.

I tend avoid the people I care about more than others. And when I've started avoiding them, I tend to feel guilty about it. I normally respond to that by avoiding them. Seeing the cycle doesn't automatically break it. The people I value most are the people who I've known for many years, who have tolerated my absences and welcomed my returns.

I think you should expect him to withdraw again. Don't trust him not to do it, accept that he definitely will - the question is when, and for how long. How far he withdraws, and his willingness to accept contact from you during that time are also variables.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I want to be very honest with him, will it do him harm to know how badly he hurt me? We need some kind of agreement/ understanding/ something to go forward. I can't pretend the last year of avoidance didn't happen and didn't rip me apart.

But obviously, I guess, I'm willing to try if we can talk it out.

 

[Sighs]

What will it achieve for you to tell him how badly you were hurt? Will it lessen your hurt? Or simply make him feel guilty and hate himself a little (or a lot) more?

What will talking about it achieve? Are you hoping that he will promise never to do it again? Is that a promise he can keep?

What is it that you want from him in order to "go forward"? Is that something he is in a position to give you?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I don't know if he can give me what I need. I know he can't do what I want, which, of course, is to say it wouldn't happen again. I know that's not possible.

But he really tore me apart, I need him to understand my fear, I guess. It can't be exactly like it was before, because I'm scared. I'm scared he will hurt me again. I trusted him completely and I'm trying to find away that I can trust him agin. I try very hard to understand and not blame him. I don't want to hold on to that anger. If I just shove it all down inside, we wouldnt have any chance at all.

I would like him to understand how important it is to me that he let me know when he's having a rough day. He tends to do the typical military man thing and try to pretend nothing's wrong. I mean the start of the bad, not mid-storm, if that makes sense. I respect him so much, I know how strong he is. I wish he could let himself be more vulnerable with me, more often.

I'd like him to go back to therapy and maybe try meds, but I don't think that will happen.

I want to be honest with him. I can't pretend the last year didn't happen. I love him, but I have to watch out for myself also.I don't want to feel disposable or not be able to let go of that feeling.

I know I'm supposed to define some boundaries, but I don't really know what boundaries are possible.

I need to be able to feel safe also. I'm going to discuss this with my therapist, but any realistic suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Sighs]

Its very important that you understand that the only person you can set boundaries for is you. I am in a relationship with a combat PTSD sufferer. The boundary I have set for myself is that if he hits me (or is physically abusive in any way) then I will leave. I have told him that. To be clear - the boundary is not "You must not hit me or I will leave" - the boundary is "If he hits me I must leave."

You boundary might be "If he disappears for [insert time frame here] I must end the relationship". You should tell him what your boundary is. But do not try to control his behaviour or set boundaries for him. He is not your child to be disciplined

I understand your fear - I really do. My vet has ended our relationship twice now and threatened it on a number of othe occasions. Although we've made up the same day each time, I am terrified that it will happen again and that it will be for good. But there is nothing I can do about it so I try very hard to live in the moment and enjoy the good times knowing that nothing lasts forever in this world. Every relationship comes to an end - whether by way of breakdown or by way of death. (And as my vet often has passive suicidal ideation I can't tell which one terrifies me more!)

My advice to you (to be taken or discarded as you see fit) is to think long and hard about what is acceptable to you. Then decide whether you can live with the PTSD roller coaster or whether you want to get off. Either choice is valid.

Good luck and look after yourself!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I just want to clarify, I did not mean to sound manipulative. We have always had two boundaries, I would leave if he ever hit me (luckily his anger has never been an issue) and that if he ever cheats on me, I will not bein his life.

I understand I can put a timeframe, if you cut me out if your life for a certain amt, I will not be in your life.

I guess I was hoping to try to get some small things more open to help me rebuild the trust. Ie, trusting me more to tell me when he is having a hard time in a crowded place. It really isn't about controlling his behavior, but more about trusting me enough to let me help with the smaller issues. Maybe that's impossible.

I don't know, before I did enjoy the moments. But, now that I know how completely he can walk away, it's really hard. I understand that is only my perception. But when the communication ends, that's all you have. I'm just scared.

I don't know how couples keep it together with extended periods of isolation.