Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum. Here is a bit of my past: DH and I have been married for 16 years, we have two teenagers. He just retired from Active Duty after 22 years. In my opinion we had/have a good marriage. Sure, everyone has issues but it seemed to me nothing that can't be solved. After his last deployment we moved back to the US in June. At first everything seemed fine. DH started school and we settled in. The longer he was away from the military, and the more frustrating school was to him, the more he began to withdraw. By November he admitted to being depressed. He then told me he wants us to move closer to his family, which is currently about 8 hours away. He told me he wants to drop out of school and start working. Fine, I can deal with that, and my heart isn't set on living here anyway. 3 days later I confronted him about how distant he became. He then told me he actually hasn't felt close to me for 9 years. At that moment I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. This 9 year mark coincides with the return of his first deployment to Iraq. He said every time he deployed, a little less of him came back. He furthermore told me he needs to get treatment to find happiness again. He said he needs to work on him and as of right now isn't even sure if we continue on as a married couple. To hear that from him was probably the hardest thing I ever heard. He was always this loving husband who went out of his way to make me feel loved. I'm so lost and confused how things changed so quickly. Was I really that oblivious?
Just after Christmas he moved back to his home-town to start treatment and to look for jobs. So far he said he is having a hard time at counselling, but he feels like he is making progress to finally talk to someone. Our communication since he left isn't the best one. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all, and he doesn't react to any messages I send. Other times we can have a normal conversation. As of right now I'm staying in our current home until the school year is over, and then I'll move with the kids. I do feel so lost right now. I've been seeing a therapist who is helping me with my issues, and it's tremendous help. I no longer think it's my fault... However, I don't know what to do. Do I wait until he makes the decision if he wants to be married? It's so hard to live in limbo and not knowing. If he is committed to our marriage then I'll be more than willing to help him deal with his issues. But if he is not then I need to move on. I just don't know how long I wait for him to make a decision. All this has been so stressful. The kids don't know what is going on and we decided on not telling them until we know what is going to happen. He is a great husband and dad. I don't hate him for all that but I do feel resentful that I'm being put through all of this. I do love him, and that makes it so much harder. I want to stay married and have a future with him. We have been through so much together and have a great basis in our marriage. What do I do?
I'm new to this forum. Here is a bit of my past: DH and I have been married for 16 years, we have two teenagers. He just retired from Active Duty after 22 years. In my opinion we had/have a good marriage. Sure, everyone has issues but it seemed to me nothing that can't be solved. After his last deployment we moved back to the US in June. At first everything seemed fine. DH started school and we settled in. The longer he was away from the military, and the more frustrating school was to him, the more he began to withdraw. By November he admitted to being depressed. He then told me he wants us to move closer to his family, which is currently about 8 hours away. He told me he wants to drop out of school and start working. Fine, I can deal with that, and my heart isn't set on living here anyway. 3 days later I confronted him about how distant he became. He then told me he actually hasn't felt close to me for 9 years. At that moment I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. This 9 year mark coincides with the return of his first deployment to Iraq. He said every time he deployed, a little less of him came back. He furthermore told me he needs to get treatment to find happiness again. He said he needs to work on him and as of right now isn't even sure if we continue on as a married couple. To hear that from him was probably the hardest thing I ever heard. He was always this loving husband who went out of his way to make me feel loved. I'm so lost and confused how things changed so quickly. Was I really that oblivious?
Just after Christmas he moved back to his home-town to start treatment and to look for jobs. So far he said he is having a hard time at counselling, but he feels like he is making progress to finally talk to someone. Our communication since he left isn't the best one. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all, and he doesn't react to any messages I send. Other times we can have a normal conversation. As of right now I'm staying in our current home until the school year is over, and then I'll move with the kids. I do feel so lost right now. I've been seeing a therapist who is helping me with my issues, and it's tremendous help. I no longer think it's my fault... However, I don't know what to do. Do I wait until he makes the decision if he wants to be married? It's so hard to live in limbo and not knowing. If he is committed to our marriage then I'll be more than willing to help him deal with his issues. But if he is not then I need to move on. I just don't know how long I wait for him to make a decision. All this has been so stressful. The kids don't know what is going on and we decided on not telling them until we know what is going to happen. He is a great husband and dad. I don't hate him for all that but I do feel resentful that I'm being put through all of this. I do love him, and that makes it so much harder. I want to stay married and have a future with him. We have been through so much together and have a great basis in our marriage. What do I do?
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