Insight or excuses for isolation?

[EmmaOwl]

I was intrigued by the title of this thread, I'm not sure about the assortment of answers here, following each other, but my thought is - when I was well... aka able to work and go to school, and I had normal friends... Well perhaps abnormal friends, but in a more traditional sense of the word friends :) Oh shoot. Point is, I had a semblance of a social life, but I lived on my own and it was certainly my plan to continue that way. I spent much more time alone than I do now... but I was never lonely. I needed a good amount of time to myself, that's how I've always been.

Now I live with family and now I am more lonely than I ever felt before - whether they are here in the house with me or not. It is an emptiness in myself, and it doesn't seem to have much to do with how much human interaction I have.

I can only attribute this feeling, this difference to the person I used to be, to ptsd/anxiety/depression. Please forgive if I'm missing anyone else's point here. I'm just musing - taking the topic of isolation and loneliness, and wandering in my mind.

 

[ladee]

I am rarely lonely... but I cherish my solitude and do not like to be disturbed when I need quite... blessed quite... I have been on this journey a very long time... this month has been hard as being bombarded by a holiday or memorial of sorts for mothers... this has been a rough year so far in this area for me.. I do not own a TV.... I read enough news to be informed of what is going on in the world ... and I do not care of give any thought to what others think ... about it being isolation.

It is thru insight that I know I need quite... I need to be around familiar things, and not have to 'think' myself to death out in public.. maintain, and self regulate.... it's just too much work in these last years of my life... I didn't get this far to not do what i want ,when I want...

Things I have to do in the world... and it's 'work' every single time.... i have had PTSD my entire life... and I am just tired... and people as a rule are so predictable.... and sometimes so boring.... do they really think i care how wonderful their grandson is at baseball... but I go thru the motions to at least appear human...

I come here for REAL LIFE... for challenging conversations... for learning....knowing there are others like me.... and being so ok with that.... I would be ok with that if no one was like me.... I like quite.... I like being able to choose what noise there is around me...

The things i do miss ... laughter... and I do have real life friends that are about seeing the humor and irony of life... we don't talk about PTSD... or symptoms, or any brain draining subject..

I am going on vacation next month with my best friend.... and I will stay until her family piles in... t hen I will come home... I love all her family... and they love me... but I already know I will not be ok with the noise level... that is my right to crave quite... my head has been a chatter box all my life.. even that has calmed down.... I love solitude.... and being in nature with solitude is my most favorite place on earth to be.

 

[acoa82]

and being in nature with solitude is my most favorite place on earth to be

oh yes, same here. Being in nature with solitude is my medication (or meditation). When I feel depressed, anxious (also when I don't feel that way) I go to nature (mostly with still camera) when I can and that helps me a lot. It can clean my head, I feel refreshed, it can even change my attitude at least for a while and after that I don't take everything so seriously like I usually do.

and people as a rule are so predictable.... and sometimes so boring

Again, same here. Before I didn't want to write it in explicit way but I have the same opinion. I think many people are prone to what is known as gregarious behaviour. I think it has evolutionary background (sorry I'm more inclined towards science). That is boring and predictable but also useful in some aspects of life. They don't think about that, they drift along with that. Appears everywhere, common talks, how they spend their leisure time. Their behavioural patterns, their way of thinking about life, meaning of life (if they even think about that), their values, what they should achieve in life, are mostly very similar. Anyway my reasons to live in solitude are mostly about that I feel easily drained by people. I don't talk about that in front of them. And I feel drained even thinking about ambitions. I feel already like an old man (I'm 34). I spent most of my life in toxic stress environment, and spent another part of my life to cure myself. Why should I want another sress. I looking for inner peace, calmness and a little joy. I have even begun spend time in garden :D

 

[acoa82]

AnywayI don't want just complain, or just talk. I am not yet allowed to post a link. I wanted to post two so instead of that I will just write a titles of those articles.
First one is about living in solitude. I have read this article in The Guardian - The joys of solitude
The second one is about mindfulness and that is something what I am trying. I have read this in BBC Travel - The Japanese skill copied by the world

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I was intrigued by the title of this thread, I'm not sure about the assortment of answers here, follow...

I understand all of what you said and relate to it. It made me think and I like that :) While I need solitude, for me those moments are spent lost in a good book, creating something or walking along an empty beach or though the woods.
I am beginning to believe I was born lonely because the changes to my brain and nervous system began in the womb. My mother's fight/flight cortisol was on hyper-speed. Back in the fifties no one thought (she wouldn't have cared regardless) smoking or drinking hurt the fetus and she was doing both along with amphetamines & barbiturates. She and my father fought and they both abused my three siblings who all became abusers.
Not that I didn't but I own it and continuously work on awareness and change.
I have always been so busy watching and preparing for the unexpected I never had time to think of my definition of integrity and how it applies to me. Active CPTSD only understands preparing and reacting for survival.
I say this because I think the loneliness I feel isn't lack of connection with others but lack of connection with myself.

 

[ladee]

Beautifully said @Alice.in.Wonderland , and I still have this at times... too much going on... and survival kicks in and I miss being with me.... so out to the back roads I go with hero dog.... and I will find myself really breathing deep.... and starting to relax... I can't find me in noise and chaos... or toxic people because i am protecting me... but have learned to walk away for many things or people who are simply just not good for me on my healing journey.... I am going to be dead a lot longer than alive, so wanting to enjoy my last allotted time here.... not staying crazy from other things that I have no control, say so ,or power over....

I didn't have the degree of chaos you had in the womb... but I knew I wasn't wanted... I was born knowing that... so mine leaned more toward proving I had a right to be here.... that I was here... but all of that has lost meaning thru the years... but it did help me to get help to live a life... because in many ways I didn't know how... I always met situations or people looking and hearing thru the filter that I wasn't wanted... I had no meaning.... and did a lot of unknowing self sabatoge... today, it's just ok to be alone... I am my most creative when alone... my most connected... then I can be connected with others at my own discretion....

You are one of my favorites here... just glad you are still here.. sharing your life with us... connected or not.... you matter to me... gentle hugs if you accept, if not, that's ok..... you don't have to take anything you don't want or need...

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Thank you @ladee hugs are always accepted and appreciated. Especially yours :hug: