Plus I don't want to be in therapy for years and years. I just want all this hellish pain to stop.
Then, you need to work harder and smarter. Getting a better-working brain is not much different from getting a better working body. I would like to wake up in two weeks and be 100lbs thinner. It's not going to happen. I really wish it would, but it's not. The truth is, I need to accept that it's an incremental process. Therapy is the same, it's incremental. But, you can work harder, or softer. Maybe you want to try working harder.
I need to put my guard back up and keep people distant again, so much better for my sanity
If that's what you actually want, quit therapy tomorrow and just do it. Otherwise, stop defaulting to "everything needs to revert 100%". That's a cognitive distortion, and every time you practice it, you make it stronger.
Isn't there a cheaper way? Therapy is costly.
Work smarter, work faster. Get done sooner. But, this involves a willingness to step outside of the fear zone, and a determination to change your patterns.
You're not dealing with PTSD, so you can possibly skip the 'iron the trauma crease out of your brain' bit and get right to the building better cognitive processes bit. A lot of this is actually boring as all hell, but
effective.
Proven to be effective. Look at CBT, DBT, ACT, IFS...there are all sorts of alphabet soups, as far as therapy protocols go. One of them is going to be the right fit for you. Your current therapist should know at least two of them, if not three.
Read the books, do the worksheets, keep the thought-records...it's a whole lot of homework. But it's all doable, if you're willing to try.
Edit to add, this:
It's pretty sad the only way to deal with attachment is to see someone else.
Isn't entirely true. You don't need to attach, in order to work on attachment issues. But you do need someone who can guide you through a therapeutic modality.
