Intense Therapy And Needing My Therapist Too Much

[Leah123]

Hi all,

I sure hope someone will relate to what I'm going through. I'm at a crossroads with my therapist. The therapy's just getting too hard, and I feel so exposed. I see one online, so that I can chat with her whenever I feel I need it, but I worry about bothering her too much, and lately she's just getting busier all the time. I was having a horrible spell of dissociation the other day and tried to reach her. She told me she was too busy with two other things to chat- it was startling, since she was listed as available online.

I know I must sound upset over absolutely nothing, and I should get a reality check and get over it, but it is so hard for right now because I'm really struggling with dissociation, I haven't had such issues with it in 15+ years, until this terrible therapy is dredging everything up, and it seems like, the more I want to talk to her, the less it's going to work out, right in the worst spot.

We have two regular appointments setup per week, but I'm really upset, feeling like it's only for her convenience, and that she only puts up with me because she's earning so much from all my business. It's just me, I know, she's very nice and considerate, but I just can't deal right now. Too much going on. Way too much.

Am I the only unreasonable person? I don't even know what to do- I told her, after that, sent her a message, that I was going to take a rain check on our appt. today. I don't ever want to talk to her again, but.... I know I will want to later. I feel like I should just be stronger and get over her and let it go, but.... I want things to get better and I don't know, I'm just really struggling with everything we've talked about the last few weeks. Too intense. :(

The trouble w/therapy is my therapist is the only one I feel like who knows so much about me and who I can honestly confide in about all the worst parts in detail.

Thanks for reading my rant!!!!!

 

[DharmaGirl]

This is not unusual. I have several threads about my therapist. I think it is pretty normal when going through therapy. Have you discussed these feelings with her? I have discussed them with my therapist, and I felt much better.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks so much for replying. I appreciate you understand.

She's just told me via email it would be very helpful if I told her how I was feeling, because she says she can tell I'm upset, she wants to know if I feel angry, ignored, etc. but I told her I'd rather quit therapy than explain. I don't want to tell her how important she is to me, and how much I'm struggling, and how much I have a hard time staying connected and being afraid that if I can't touch base when something's wrong, that I won't be able to just... emote on schedule in an appointment.

I feel like I should just be more self-reliant, not as if I need her.

 

[Pencil]

I feel like I should just be more self-reliant,

You can't just BE more self-reliant, you have to learn to become more self-reliant, and you need this therapy for exactly that.

I also have MEGA issues with therapists in therapy ...

Don't destroy this now. This is clearly part of the disorder, and that is why you need to stay.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I think these feelings are pretty normal and I certainly go through them myself. I am trying not to do that now and it is hard but you do need to try and tell your therapist what you are feeling and then you will feel much better because she will be able to put your mind at rest and tell you this is all normal.

I find it very hard just having weekly appointments and I also feel I should not be so self reliant. My therapist is so booked out I have to make sure I have all my appointments for the rest of the year booked in advance and I found that really hard to book those and felt I was being too needy. Getting to see him without an appointment booked weeks in advance is virtually impossible.

Perhaps you could tell your therapist about how bad the dissociation has been and for her to give you coping strategies so you can stay more connected.

Your therapist will understand that she is important to you, that is normal; it is not something to be ashamed about or feel embarrassed about. By telling her how you are feeling you are actually becoming more self-reliant. Being able to talk about feelings and ask for help is not a weakness it is a sign of someone who is strong enough to know that they need help and to actively do something about it and ask for help. That is a good thing.

 

[Lucycat]

Giving up therapy because you feel you need therapy too much sounds counterproductive to me.

You don't say how long these twice weekly sessions having been going on for. When I started therapy I had frequent sessions ( with text and email in between). As I got stronger the contact has reduced greatly. But it has taken me 3 years to get to this point. Even today my T sent me a cheery text, and I get that he is 'just checking in' on me. I don't have another appointment with him scheduled until I feel I need it.

Your relationship with your T is very important, but there needs to be trust and honesty on both sides. Saying what you are feeling is very hard - but if you can say it on this forum then you can tell your therapist.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks Lizio so much for replying. I'm glad to know you feel the same way, even though I'm sorry it's so hard to see your therapist and I don't think that's being too needy at all!

And thanks Pencil. I was already extremely self-reliant, that's my problem. It's just a lot harder when I talk about such old painful issues- you know I'm at the point where I know I can do better with my life, but I was already doing really really well, stable, good new family, good job, you know, most everything was working, sigh.

I feel like I've created my own problem- she's getting busier as I give her more good reviews, she used to have much better availability. I did just email her sort of how I felt, but it's kind of hard to sum it all up in an email. So frustrating. I really feel like I'd do better to just leave her be- like I have to show myself some self-respect, not just turn to her every time I have some problem, or awful memory, or dissociation issue or something.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks Lucycat- I've been seeing her for um almost three months. Very intense, fast-moving therapy. I started having a big problem, and now this issue, a couple weeks ago, when I said more than I wanted to- way more in a session.

 

[Leah123]

I can't believe it. She just replied to me.... I told her so many awful things and all she had to say was she was sorry for not being more present and she'll keep our appointment open. I'm hating her at this moment, for glossing over everything that it just killed me to tell her and acting like it's nothing.

I told her definitely not.

 

[Lucycat]

I don't get it. She said sorry and she will see you. What more did you want from her? She read your email not your mind. It reads as if you had already made your mind up that whatever the reply was it would not be right for you.

Why not give her a chance - and in the session she is keeping open tell her how it feels to get that reply. You 'feel like she is acting as if it nothing'. This is one of the huge difficulties in the written word. You have to make assumptions because there is no tone of voice or body language. She cared enough to reply didn't she?!

 

[Leah123]

Sorry I was not clear, Lucycat, and thank you for replying! I'm having the worst day, and really do appreciate it!!!

I should have been more specific about what I told her maybe. What I mean is that I mentioned a number of issues in that email, when she told me how helpful it would be to express my feelings honestly. I had a lot to say, and it killed me to say it, but I did. Her reply was so trite.

I wouldn't have thought everything she said was wrong, I would have appreciated it if she addressed the points I made, rather than glossing them over in one sentence. We do have it set up where she can just charge me for emails, so, it's not like I'm expecting free time, but I do hope for an engaged response, especially when I don't think it's unfair to think that she knows it's such a very difficult conversation for me to have.

She technically cared enough to reply, but I am paying her so much, she probably just wants the business. I know how it is to be an independent practitioner in the type of setup she's in.

 

[Pencil]

And thanks Pencil. I was already extremely self-reliant, that's my problem.

I'm the most self-reliant person you can hope to meet - and as you know, it's an overreaction to having dependency needs. In therapy I turn into a needy wreck.