Intense Therapy And Needing My Therapist Too Much

[Leah123]

Aww, Pencil, you are SO right. Thanks for saying that- it's just exactly how I feel. I dont know what to do. I already told her to forget it, and I don't even know what I'd talk to her about anyway. Sometimes... it seems like if I can't talk to someone right when things are on my mind... it's like I can't just summon them up to talk about later. :(

I don't know what I'd say to her that wouldn't be a waste of time.

Do you ever get so upset, you don't have anything to say, or it's too hard to sum it up, but it would still be nice just to know someone was there? :(

 

[Pencil]

Do you ever get so upset, you don't have anything to say, or it's too hard to sum it up, but it would still be nice just to know someone was there?

Yes. So it isn't about having some issue to discuss, it has to do with knowing she's there. Seems to me you also have attachment issues.

 

[Leah123]

Yes, I definitely have both, heck I have all kinds. I did have an issue to discuss when I tried to chat with her yesterday though, and it was very hard to be unable to. After that, a couple other big problems arose, sigh, so now I would have something to talk about, but I'm so upset I don't want to.

Thanks for replying. Very much.

 

[Pencil]

:roflmao: Same here.

And that is exactly why you may just constantly have difficulties staying in therapy, and why it is necessary to work through those patches. Monster has these issues as well, or had them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you considered the possibility that this type of therapy isn't right for you?

I ask because I, too, had horrible dissociative episodes after talking with my therapist(s) who were skilled at opening things up but not too skilled at getting them resolved. I later found another type of therapy that let me process my trauma in a safe way with no dissociation.

 

[Lucycat]

We do have it set up where she can just charge me for emails, so, it's not like I'm expecting free time,

Boy, I am naive. I did not expect that she charges for emails! I forget what a money-making business this is!

 

[Pencil]

horrible dissociative episodes after talking with my therapist

This might have been my problem as well - I always left sessions terribly raw, and it always felt as though the sessions ended right in the middle of something - then end always felt like an interruption. Mmm, I never considered this before, thanks SoL.

 

[Leah123]

Pencil and ScaredofLonely- thank you both so much for addressing that issue, of feeling interrupted in the middle or raw at the end, and dissociated.

That's been my recent problem exactly. I'm an intense person, and have been moving fast through therapy, it's gone very well, until I was really struggling hard getting her to understand where I was at one session, so I told her something, very significant, that I don't feel I was really ready to share. That session and a few since, I've felt like the wound is open and not closing. We talked about how I had to deal with the issue mostly alone when I was younger, and trying to manage my issues (abuse) plus the PTSD alone was traumatic for me in itself, like sawing myself open trying to get rid of the dissociation and get to my feelings and other issues. I told her about a dream I had, where this time, we were using a scalpel, i.e. being more careful, doing a better, cleaner job of healing. But, when I told her the worse of the abuse, I did feel very much sawed open, and like nothing could fix it, and that started the dissociation again. It's overwhelming, as I'm sure you can understand.

I will say that I did push through, and make it to my appointment today. I have been feeling possessive about my therapist and she's been getting more and more popular. I'm glad for her, sad for me. So, we talked some about it, and actually, it wasn't a great session, it was a really hard one, but she talked with me for nearly two hours. She's clearly committed to me, she even said I was her favorite patient, I do feel a connection with her usually, and I do feel lucky to have her, even if I feel like our convos aren't the most helpful sometimes. We're going to try a phone session tomorrow at my suggestion because I think it might feel more grounding to get to hear her voice for a while, though i worry about getting too nervous, but hopefully won't.

P.S. Lucycat- I will say, she charges for email *sessions* where I write and send her a long text to read and reply to, I am a writer, and it's often easier for me to give her something like that. She doesn't just charge for brief emails.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Monster has these issues as well, or had them.

Yep, still have them. It could be me writing this thread. I just had another "falling out" with my therapist because I am a strong person who doesn't need anyone, and I need him. I hate the needing him part. It makes me push away, but every time I come back and talk it over with him, the relationship becomes stronger and I don't need to grab on so hard. It is really a bitch to go through, it hurts so much I don't think I will survive, but I do. I fought being attached to him so much in the first year, and now I am able to fight less.

I also tried the intense, fast therapy. I ended up re-traumatizing myself and blaming him. I finally got to the point where I realized that it was better to let it flow, rather than push it. I still become nervous around him but I am so much better than last year. I know people don't become psychologists for the money - I make as much as a nurse and I only have an associate's degree. So, they must do it because they want to help people. I really think they have out best interests at heart, especially if you are her favorite.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I hate the needing him part. It makes me push away, but every time I come back and talk it over with him, the relationship becomes stronger and I don't need to grab on so hard.

I hate the needing part as well and have the same struggles. I wonder why "we" (or me ;)) has such difficulty addressing things like this. For me, I would rather jump ship completely than have a discussion on why something he has done or said triggers such panicky feelings of anger, anxiety or abandonment.

I fought being attached to him so much in the first year, and now I am able to fight less.

:tup:

 

[Leah123]

"For me, I would rather jump ship completely than have a discussion on why something he has done or said triggers such panicky feelings of anger, anxiety or abandonment."

Quaintpapercut, thanks for posting that. I agree 100%. I was SO panicked to answer her question about whether her being unavailable made me feel mad. I did tell her to cancel all of our sessions over that, it was so upsetting to me. I did get past it, and I'm so glad I did, even a day later, I feel so much better. It's just REALLY hard, for me anyway, to have perspective when I'm feeling so emotional, vulnerable, needy and upset. Yuck!

I am sure, for me, that it must mostly be due to transference- because I couldn't trust my parents, and they had a terrible time dealing with me being upset. My parents were very abusive, and being upset got me noticed, and led to emotional abuse, along with the other abuse.

I learned early, and deeply, that it was dangerous to have those feelings and express them.

So.... seems to me that's my answer, anyway, not to mention... heck, how often do we practice disclosing our deepest, most painful memories and issues with someone- remember high school? Were you maybe at all like me, afraid of my hair looking bad, or saying the wrong thing, or not being friends with someone popular? It's just hard to risk myself to be judged I think.... kind of a natural, human reaction, but much magnified for those of us choosing to do therapy for issues.

I hope it gets easier for you. (and for me too, lol)

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi Leah - it's funny how little things trip us up isn't it? It seems like by not wanting to answering her questions you were trying to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of having to admit that she does have an impact on you. Knowing that someone is important or meaningful in your life raises the emotional liability, meaning that the chances of her hurting you raises exponentially.

I think its great that you were able to raise the issue with her and that she responded in a way that made you feel heard and validated.