Did you feel you had defined parts at the beginning of this journey?
Yes and No. At the beginning I thought I just had normal parts like everyone does (work me, party me, romantic me, etc.) and for a long time I told myself I must just be "putting on masks"...but once I started very actively tracking my emotions/body sensations and really paying attention to myself, that's when I realized weird things were happening...all the time...like someone else would take control of my body and I went "to the back" completely out of control of myself, at the mercy of some other part that wasn't me or some other part would yell at me in my head so belligerently who also was NOT me...it was terrifying. I also got a lot of strange feelings that "didn't belong to me" and engaged in a lot of scary and confusing behaviors. I also then started to pick up on the time loss, which for me was primarily in the past (we have minimal present day lost time, although it does happen). We also started noticing skill loss between different parts. Our parts are actually pretty distinct and recognizable.
Many of my parts
are full-fledged alters with their own life history and desires and take full executive control of the body. One fronted when processing her trauma and has decided she never wants to front again and now she lives in a safe room in my head. Some parts have only ever lived in my head and have never fronted. Some are just bundles of emotions (like suicidal part, numb part, laughing part) (these ones are probably not true "alters" although separating them from "me" has helped in my healing as to not get completely flooded by them). Then there are fragments which don't seem to do much but just seem to hold a little part or piece of the trauma.
Parts come in a lot of different expressions. You get the parts you needed. It has taken me a LOT of work to get to know my parts.
Was this mainly through journalling?
What kind of strategies? I don't think I'm at this stage in the therapeutic process, other than doing a bit of mirror work, which seems to help. But I'm still finding it very strange the idea of 'communication' with parts....I don't know why it's such a blocker
We have pretty much done everything we can think of. Nearly everyday. Weekly at a minimum.
-Journaling
-Writing letters to each other or to T
-Trigger tracking/mapping
-Drawing
-Painting
-Music
-Tracking my moods/activities/behavioral shifts/which parts are around in a mood tracker app EVERY DAY (typically on a 3-hour interval).
-Daily check-in with all known parts
-Internal meetings
-providing opportunities for parts to engage in preferred activities (even if they don't show up)
-practicing noticing each other and sharing space at the same time
-practicing switching (we still suck at this, we are still mostly at the mercy of trigger switching)
-Asking parts to share any information they may want to share (preferences, ages, roles, desires for the future, fears, etc.)
-Anchoring/preferred items for parts who need them
-Grounding techniques that work for each part
i seem to not find the time to do things like journalling, so will have tu make a concerted effort. I think my amnesia is s big problem with regards to moving myself forward in a structured way. I set out to do things and then they don't happen because I lose sight of the fact I was supposed to do them...T thinks it's me getting blocked by parts potentially
One of the main issues I'm dealing with atm is the problem of having strong intention to di certain things to help my therapy journey, then finding out days, weeks or even months later, that i haven't done them and I'm not sure how or why. Like i only become conscious of it again after the time i should have done it. Which T sees as part of the dissociation and amnesia. So f*cking annoying.
and I'll forget what I've written sometimes after a week or so... or what he's written... I found something I'd written 4 months ago - absolutely no recollection I'd written it. None. Not after rereading and rereading. And it's in my hand writing.
I would recommend actively working on memory gaps. Sometimes we can't remember, sometimes we can only remember retrospectively, and then sometimes we find ourselves present when we normally would have had amnesia...and writing it down, regularly tracking when the amnesia comes, looking for patterns, and working towards shared consciousness. No judgement. Just noticing.
It is a LOT of effort. Checklists, whiteboard, sticky notes, alarms, reminders, shared communication method, regular internal check-in, asking inside, system calendar....
It is a huge commitment. It is not easy. It is massively time consuming. But I fully attribute the progress I have made to the time I invested.
And then begin being curious why parts of you are preventing you from completeing things. Write it down.
i think this is what's missing for me. And I'm scared to do it.
I'm still finding it hard to genuinely connect to the idea I can be thankful for parts who seem intent on destroying me. It's really hard. But I do get the logic.
I have to remind myself constantly (even still) that "all parts are good" even the terrifying ones.
I have a dissociative part that likes burning our flesh off and another one that yells at me mercilessly and another few that engage in traumatic sexual re-enactments and another one who wants us to commit suicide...Why the hell would I make space for that??? But once I did, everything began to change, they had an opportunity to move forward and take on a new role.
Their behaviors ALL finally made sense once I made space for them and got to know them. I had to understand them in light of the traumatic environment where they developed. The behavior was normal and helpful inside the context of abuse and trauma...it just wasn't helpful anymore now that we live in the safe present.
It was scary, but I can tell you that helping parts heal their trauma and get to the other side has been, although awful and scary, also a super rewarding and beautiful experience.
I'm realising I have no idea what my triggers are
I made a trigger tracking chart if you'd like to use it (I have attached it). I read basically every book on trauma I could get my hands on and pulled out all the helpful stuff to make this chart.
Understanding my triggers was foundational.
I think you've done amazingly. I know only snippets of your journey, and it's been so hard. But well done. And keep going.
thank you we appreciate it.
T has said he thinks that my brain is possibly hiding stuff re memories from me... and I'm just like, please can we not talk about things which haven't happened... like, if they surface then fine. But until they do, I don't like discussing that as a concept. Also because it feels invalidating that what I have brought isn't enough to explain my symptoms (though i admittedly I haven't shared everything I do remember)... it's just all such a head f*ck
I agree. There is no need to let your brain run wild. It is more important to begin noticing and see what comes up.
I hope this post isn't too overwhelming. We really dove in headfirst because we were feeling so bad we were desperate to try anything and everyrhing to "get better." We also still struggle with avoidance, so just start where you can and in areas that make sense for you and your life. We also realize we have a really amazing support system, without wich we wouldn't have been able to tackle our trauma in the way we did.
Everyone's healing journey is different. Take what resonates and leave the rest.
