Internet Dating For Ptsd Dummies

[Gloria]

Same thing with my family. I will say that I don't think half the people in the world who are suffering from PTSD would be here if we had warm supportive families. My name as a child was "lousy scum". I didn't use that as my name on this site because I don't feel that way about myself. Strangely I was just thinking this morning how I am the only one that got a bachelors much less a master's degree in my family and they despise me. My oldest son has a B.S. and my youngest is getting his advanced degree now in special education. You sound so much like me. Before my sister died, she inherited about $200,000 which she blew through in two years. She ended up losing our family house. I don't how she managed to lose it because it had a low mortgage and it was a two flat so the renter paid the mortgage but she did. She was a mess. I spent thousands of dollars on her but she got me very sick. She didn't tell me the truth. When we found her body in her apartment, there were 35 cats and garbage up to the ceiling. The city had to come in to create a path to her body. That's when I really realized what type of illness my family has. My half-brothers and half-sister either refused to come to her services or said desparaging remarks at her service. I don't have any contact with them.

All I can say is that you can't help anyone else until you are healthy so my advice is stay as far as possible from your dysfunctional family. It's hard at first but it gets easier and I hardly even thought of them at Christmas this past year. To me they are dead. Actually, I know this might sound evil but my half-brothers were more than 30 years older than me and I am really hoping they kicked off. So occasionally I search the obituaries in the Chicago paper to check but the only reason that I don't do it is because I'm afraid that I would be disappointed that they are still alive.

All of this crap can be left far behind someday I hope.
Lots of hugs, lots of love,
Gloria

 

[James B.]

Then we realize that finding the right person is probably the most difficult thing that you do in your life.

(((Gloria)))

Great thread. It'll take me a while to read the whole thing, but what I've read so far was really fun.

 

[mamachick]

Thanks Gloria-you are right about severing with the dysfunction. About the name brat-I don't believe there are any brats, just PPP, ( piss poor parents). So the term brat I have come to be fond of, its really a kid with some spunk and attitude. I have learned to read between the lines, like selfish =self caring, in my family-how dare

 

[James B.]

My sister committed suicide four years ago. My brother committed suicide 35 years ago and my sons are my only family.

Wanted to add I'm very sorry for your loss, Gloria.

 

[Gloria]

[quote="brat17, About the name brat-I don't believe there are any brats, just PPP, ( piss poor parents). So the term brat I have come to be fond of, its really a kid with some spunk and attitude. [/quote]

I am feeling so confidant that I tried to get my quote thing down right so I don't get reamed for screwing it up again!:roflmao: Every horse, dog and cat that I have ever owned thought their name was brat. I rescued a five year old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who had been in a puppy mill for five years and came to me thin, full of fleas and ticks and afraid of her own shadow. After a year of being spoiled she started barking. Now she barks when she wants her food or a walk and she takes toys away from the larger dogs. I tell her she is my worst brat. I think you are a wonderful brat!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

Wanted to add I'm very sorry for your loss, Gloria.

Dear James,
Long time ago and I've moved on. But I miss reading your very intelligent and insightful posts and I think you are also single so would just love to hear your opinion on dating for PTSD people.

I have to do something related to my trauma next week and I'm very triggered. I don't if anyone else on this site has gotten this despearate when they get nightmares but I may try to get someone to sleep in the next room or share my bed. It keeps the nightmares away. I think I'm so pitiful but it does help. You would think that having three dogs and a cat in my bed would do it but it really helps to be just be able to reach out and touch someone when I sleep.
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[James B.]

Reply in quotes simplified:

With mouse cursor , highlight the text you wish to quote, and press Ctrl C. Next, hit the Quote button (") on the task bar above. Now, press Ctrl V.

Gloria, I agree with others, your advice about getting away from the dysfunctional family sounds really good. Happily share my own perspective on single life at 53 (almost 54) a little later today. Best wishes with everything, Gloria!.

 

[James B.]

and I think you are also single so would just love to hear your opinion on dating for PTSD people.

Thought about this for a little while, Gloria. Your thread is too great to ignore, and I want to do a good job because you've built a cool thing here. There is a lot of heart and soul in your words.

With PTSD, you have to have the energy to date. You have to have reduced the stress enough to take on the additional effort. I think one of the risks of PTSD dating, is using the social venue as a means of distraction, but, a lot of regular people do this too. We all "distract" or keep ourselves busy. Intimacy is an easy one to justify, not that there's anything wrong or better or worse than other "distractions" except, it is hard to have control over "love".

With PTSD you need to have enough of a handle on your challenges, and know yourself well enough, and be in a fairly stabilized life situation to make the most of dating.

 

[mamachick]

Wow you did think about this James. Im impressed and as a a single ptsd er, agree that relationships can be a distraction. We use the word intimacy much too freely though-in my opinion. It is the dis-intimacy that gets us into trouble. When we are intimate, we could stand naked in front of that person and disclose everything-dont have to be sexual even. We tend to get into romance and sex and have trouble with honesty and disclosure, until Im there-Im saving myself. LOL

 

[James B.]

We tend to get into romance and sex and have trouble with honesty and disclosure

Thank you brat17. Yes, agree completely. The biological imperatives are obvious, and society condones the efforts. Trauma people suffer stress and tension, and no doubt sex can help release this. So, it can be an obvious spiral, further away from the root of the problem, and more into obfuscated layers that tend to get more complex and deeper as the years go by.

Peeling away the layers - and getting down to brass tacks with our trauma - can require down-time. And we need to know as individuals, that our self worth isn't dependent on being with someone all the time. For some I can see how this might seem like an emotional grand canyon to cross, but believe that learning to stand on one's own feet emotionally can offer really valuable clarity.

My personal maxim is to stop the negative effects of my trauma from bleeding out into society, to save others the pain and protect my karma from further damage. It is vital for me, having become familiar with my limitations, to respect and honor them. I really have no choice.

 

[Gloria]

I really appreciate your insights in this, James. My PTSD symptoms pretty much disappear as I have been on this site for over a year, worked very hard on identifying the symptoms and see a therapist who specializes in PTSD twice a week. I have for the first time in my life been completely free from PTSD symptoms for periods of time. However, there is the lawsuit involving being assaulted by three police officers. I get over some part of the trauma but the legal procedures bring back my PTSD again. Over the last three years, I have had many men tell me that they just can't be with me until I get over this assault. It isn't just the assault anymore. One of the symptom of PTSD is that you don't feel the world is a safe place. Well, I think before the attack I did feel that the world was safe as I wasn't afraid to travel to Europe and didn't have any phobias. Since the attack, I see not only the police as corrupt but the United States government and other governments as extremely dangerous to individuals.

So, I have not been able to feel much of anything the last few weeks. I admit (and I admitted to my male friends) that I have such bad nightmares that I will pay or do anything that I can to lessen the effect. I admit that my male friends will come and sleep at my house. It does help me somewhat because when I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that the police are coming after me, I just tough or cuddle closer to a man and feel safer but never completely safe. I have never done anything like this in my life. None of my friends pretend that there is any romance between us and they say they can't understand why they just can't get close to me. They think that something must be wrong with them because they thoroughly enjoy my company, think I'm so much fun, good integrity and very sexy but somehow they just can't close to me. It's not them. It's me. I look so normal on the outside but I am shaking and totally freaking out about seeing the psychiatrist on Wednesday who is paid to be a professional witness in trials. What kind of psychological games will he play with my head? My brother and sister committed suicide. I've see the other friends from my trauma grouip that I've been in over the past ten years crash and burn. They lost sanity. I felt so sane so much of the last year and I don't want to lose my sanity.

James, I am afraid that love is something that you can't control and that I might fall in love with one of my friends and they won't love me back. That's the last thing I need. What do they say in AA - Getting involved in a relationship before you are healthy is like putting Miracle Grow on all your problems.

You are absolutely right that containing my symptoms and giving good karma is my most important goal. AAAARGH!!! :confused: I have my friends that are allowing me to use them as pacifiers but then I actually do have men that really want to get romantically involved with me. I insisted I will not see them until the lawsuit is over but they won't take no for an answer. Kissing me or falling head over heals in love with me is like making love to a stone. I have no energy to spare.

Brilliant me! I'm having nightmares of cops and getting arrested and my friend wanted to watch Turner Classic Movies all night and what did we watch? Cool Hand Luke and some women's prison movie. No wonder I had nightmares!!

 

[Rainrunner]

Hi everyone - great thread. Some of the earlier posts had me chuckling. I tried internet dating twice.

First time was right after I had filed for divorce from the abuser. Realized within two days that I was simply looking for a distraction and wasn't ready. Cancelled the account.

Two years later, divorced for a year, thinking I've spent the past year reinventing myself and doing ok (sort of), I try again. I found some kind of abusive or deceptive quality with every profile I read. I'd get emails saying "hey Angel" and I'd be like "whhhattt?!?" Then I'd get an email from someone who sounded normal and in a very short amount of time I would find the lie since I dissected everything they said. Easy lies were ones like the non-drinker who invited me wine tasting. Then there were the more subtle ones that took me a few reads to figure it out. For some reason I kept sticking to it thinking perhaps I would find that needle in a haystack. Didn't take two days this time, took a little over two months for me to realize I was once again not ready.

One thing that hit me badly this go-round was that realizing how un-ready I was after a year got me rather frustrated. I awfulized by telling myself I was terminally screwed up and would most likely never be ready. Bad stuff, that.