Intimacy....... and my memories

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi sometimes.... I get flashbacks and/or body memories when I'm being intimate.

Does this get better?... Its actually stopped me from be intimate with anyone for along time....

Are there ways to stop this,change it?..
I want to be intimate with the right person but I've also been in situations where a memory has come back and I've had to stop.... Now as you can imagine this really confuses my partner....

And when it does get to that point... What the f##k do you say... I've got a headache?.... Hell no..... Help please...

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, it can get better.

If you need to lie to a partner and say you have a headache, either you aren't ready to be intimate or you are being intimate with the wrong partner.

The truth is best.

Lies are walls to true intimacy.

But if it's just sex and you don't care about being emotionally close/intimate, lie away.

(My flashbacks are obvious flashbacks and I can't lie about them.)

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I hate to say that lying is a better policy than the truth, but... I have been married for 19 years, so my approach may be different. There are plenty of times either one of us didn't want to have sex from indigestion to being really tired, but recently is when I have had to deal with ptsd symptoms. I haven't been to the point where I couldn't fake a finish, yet. Plus, if you are fully honest with your partner it might scare them away from being intimate. I save the talking about ptsd sex stuff at a separate time and don't give a lot of details. Especially, since the same actions don't always act as a trigger for me. As a matter of fact, there are some things that he and I like very much that have been a trigger one day and a very good moment on another day.

Lately, things have worked out better with him if I have a running repeat in my head of "this is my husband". Sounds weird, but it is necessary during certain things in order to stay present tense. As a matter of fact, trying to stay grounded is very necessary for me at this point, if I want things to work out in a positive experience. I get that you fear intimacy. The anxiety of that is huge.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I hate to say that lying is a better policy than the truth, but... I have been married for 19 years, so...

Thankyou for your honesty.... I know it's a very hard subject to talk about... Mostly because I have had only 2 replies....

Im just really pissed off it has to be this way... You know... And it's so unfair and f##ked up..... That really gets to me..

So I'm guessing this is something that will always happen.. Maybe not everything... I'm just thinking aloud.... Don't expect a response... But thanks anyway

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate to say that lying is a better policy than the truth, but... I have been married for 19 years, so...

I think your problem is that you feel a need to fake it.

Again, lying to your partner. Is his ego that fragile that it will shatter if he doesn't make you come? I think there are deeper intimacy issues at play.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I think your problem is that you feel a need to fake it.

Again, lying to your partner. Is his e...

Well, I know that! ;) However, my marriage is good (plenty of ways to have intimacy that is not sexually based) and didn't have too much of these issues prior to ptsd.

 

[FragileGlass]

Relationship, intimacy and PTSD are a sexy combination to say the least!

It's a hard balance in relationships. Deflecting is not about ego fragility or partners being so easily shattered, it's just a human and thoughtful thing to do for people you do care about. I can sympathize with past traumas creeping into current intimate relationships being uneasy for the sufferer, you didn't ask to be there, yet you don't want your current (hopefully positive) partner feeling to blame or they are wrong in that particular moment.

Deflecting at the moment is a good bet unless absolutely of course it's unbearable. As @TexCat said, she and her partner discuss at other times. My partner and I discuss my struggling issues often, she understands that it's not always going to be perfect with me however I'll never ever tell her in the moment that I had struggles at any time during intimacy.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I think your problem is that you feel a need to fake it.

Again, lying to your partner. Is his e...

No... I'm gay so no man in my life.... But I don't agree with you..... It's more about why can't it just be Natural.... You know.....why do these horrible memories come back... Why.....
.
I know you can't answer these questions... It's just seriously wrong.... I shouldn't have to fake anything...

Relationship, intimacy and PTSD are a sexy combination to say the least!

It's a hard balance in...

Thankyou for your honesty....

 

[Miles2go]

I think that it's terribly important, especially in a long-term relationship, to be honest with your partner. If the partner is left in the dark he may start to worry that there is something wrong with him (or her), that you don't enjoy intimacy with him or that you just don't like him anymore - any number of things, none of them good.

Most normal people in the partner's position will do everything they can to help, once they understand the situation. If not, the hard truth is that this particular my not be a good match for you, since the issues that plague most of us on this board require lifelong maintenance. Do you think any partner could be happy, forever, never knowing why you pull away from him?

Hard choice: tell him, he may leave. Don't tell him, he may leave also. IMO faster is better as it lets you move on more quickly.

 

[joeylittle]

Does this get better?...

I think it can. Mine did. I wouldn’t say it’s totally gone, and the issues I had were post-trauma but pre-PTSD diagnosis. Still, I was able to make peace with myself as a sexual being and not feel hampered by the past or driven by it.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Hard choice: tell him, he may leave. Don't tell him, he may leave also. IMO faster is better as it lets you move on more quickly.

This would only better if I could handle all the baggage that this brings up. I wish I could be more reasonable but the thought of a conversation is enough to destroy me.

I think that it's terribly important, especially in a long-term relationship, to be honest with your partner.

On some level I long to show who I am but I am terrified for being judged and the long term outcome. Regardless there are always consequences of my actions and right now I need the gamble.

 

[EveHarrington]

No... I'm gay so no man in my life.... But I don't agree with you..... It's more about why can't it just b...

Ehhhh I responded to TexCat....