Intimacy - How Open To Be In Therapy?

[221177]

I'm writing this in a state of not trusting myself (in another state I'd have all the answers and this wouldn't be an issue, but..) I'm currently so scared of opening up to my therapist about certain aspects as I feel ashamed of those parts of me wanting attachment to him, and reassurance from outside of myself per se.

This comes from abandonment issues as a baby/child, so on one level I'm sure he understands, and this needs to be addressed, but it also makes me feel so incredibly vunerable that I'm not sure it's going to make me feel stronger whilst I go through it.

I guess I'm currently confused about these parts of myself coming up, and rather than my recognition of them being enough, that my poor boundaries can mean that 'they' or 'me' want nurturing from outside, which I don't believe to be the way. Surely I need to accept and nurture all these sides myself? But that in itself somehow cuts out the intimacy of showing those sides to someone else, and allowing them to 'be'.

Not sure if this is making sense, but any thoughts about these worries coming from others that have gone through/going through therapy would be appreciated.. x

 

[Sterre]

I understand and feel what you mean 221177!

Maybe you could print out your text above and let him read it? In this way you don't have to open up allready on certain aspects you feel unsure about, but you will provide him insight on how ambivalent you feel about opening up to him?

Good luck!

 

[221177]

I may just do that - thanks. I just feel like I'm moving away from the in control adult that was doing so well in taking care of her inner child, to the inner child that wants a different parent. Feels scary and dangerous. Arrgh!

 

[Ted Moen]

Printing it out and handing it to your T is a good idea. Also, keep in mind that your therapist is trained to expect and deal with stuff. It's part of their job. I have an inner child that is forever looking for the mom that might have been, and a inner young adult returning from combat forever looking for the supportive person that is going to make his world feel right, and I bonded (theraputically) with a newly married female therapist that had three children during the course of my therapy and sometimes became the mom that might have been (in my mind) and sometimes the supportive person that might have been (in my mind) and all the time she was a wonderful therapist who knew how to handle those feelings and even processed them in a way that contributed to me feeling better about myself. Learning to express those vulnerable feelings in a safe, theraputic relationship is a very healthy part of the process, I think.

Ted

 

[SimplyComplex]

I may feel the word out wrong, but to me intimacy seems like its a two sided thing. What I feel like I need (but am embarrassed by even needing) me being vulnerable and having T witness and respect it.

I can't offer much besides commiseration. This last week I had a very good session where I was vulnerable, I even cried...big deal for me. I felt totally accepted and not judged. It was amazing. I even found the courage from that session to write out the story of two young men sexually abusing me when I was younger, and then email it to her! It is something I had never told her about in detail but had made a couple mentions of in other writings...and once when she asked me about other mother figures (their mom was one but then seemed to just pass me off to her kids to cheer them up) I alluded to it, but couldn't continue.

Anyways, I hit my limit with being vulnerable and been struggling with fears of judgment and abandonment followed by denial. Its been a struggle and I want to crawl in a hole and never see her again. It sucks. But I will go anyways...maybe I can get her to forget and we could talk about summer plans...

So I guess keep on trying. When I would worry to my T about not trusting her enough or not being able to open up, cry or talk about the painful stuff, she would tell me to be kind to myself and give myself time...

 

[Ted Moen]

Excellent advice ... be kind to yourself and give yourself time ... therapy involves unraveling layer after layer of stuffed thoughts and feelings ... as we become more or less comfortable chatting about stuff from one layer stuff from the next layer will start bubbling up ... it's all about processing those feelings we had to stuff to survive the hostile situation and framing and reframing stuff and learning to be comfortable and feel good about ourselves ... the process has to be at our own pace ... the pace we are able to process those stuffed feelings ... your T sounds nice :)

Ted

 

[Lucycat]

My T has described therapy as like peeling back the layers of an onion. When you peel away the first outside layers, you think it is fairly easy As you get closer to the centre the layers tend to get a bit harder ... and..... you start to cry!

 

[anthony]

Simple answer: 100% disclosure. If the therapist gets uncomfortable with complete honesty, they shouldn't be a therapist. 100% disclosure about every thought within your head can provide an experienced therapist nuggets of information to really help you. Those things often kept to oneself, are the pieces they often need.

 

[SimplyComplex]

100% disclosure? I think I would need like 20 hours a week of therapy to get to 80%

 

[anthony]

You can write it all down and just hand it to them... leaving the therapist to read in their own time.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I think its a great ideal. I have been in a year (50 minutes a week) and still struggle. I do give her writings from time to time when I can't get myself to talk about stuff. Maybe someday I can get myself to open up...close to 100%. I sort of doubt it though. She isn't pushing me and tells me to be patient with myself when I complain about my troubles with opening up (which also includes actual amnesia to events when she asks). But hey, I went in completely denying I had even been abused at all, so I am making progress :)

 

[SimplyComplex]

Oh, but I did stop editing what I give her...well I only give her the important parts...not the boring paragraphs about nothing