Into The Storm

[Thinkingman85]

I have been taking Prozac for five weeks now. Every day that I have been taking it, my mood has elevated. It continues to elevate. However, I'm starting to get to a point that is a bit alarming. My mother passed away when I was 15 and my father passed away when I was 17. After my mother passed, I cried my eyes out. However, after my father passed two years later, I didn't cry. I was numbed. I have been numb for 10 years. I've had a clinical depression for six years so I decided to try an antidepressant and therapy.

The better I'm feeling, the more I focus on my father's passing. My eyes are starting to tear up and sometimes I get an empty feeling in my stomach. I feel like an episode (or episodes) of expressing grief may occur. If it does, I will be shocked. Still, the medication is continuing to make me feel better, so I'm looking forward to the future. However, I feel weary of what awaits. I may be entering a storm.

 

[The Albatross]

There is nothing unnatural as far as moving through grief formerly stunted. Nothing shocking. Rather you are able to open up this aspect and grief if need be, transcend the numbing stasis. It is difficult, and I am proud of you, to recognize that there are areas that were blunted and numbed (unexperienced and dealt with) for the past years. Emotion is a tumult... but it is not a life threatening storm... it can be experienced and let go... back to the universe. Indeed it must be... if one is to survive and maybe even florish in older age. Good topic Thinking man.

 

[timid_flower]

Still, the medication is continuing to make me feel better, so I'm looking forward to the future.

Good to hear you're feeling better. Since this was yesterday, I hope you're still feeling this way today :)

I know first hand how it can change from one day to the next.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I'm feeling better. However, the better I'm feeling, the more it seems like I will have to deal with. Things are so much different now compared to six years ago. I don't know how I'll be able to pick myself back up as I'm getting better. I'm taking it easy day by day and focusing on feeling normal again (mentally stable).

I am still dealing with my father's passing. There are so many thing that I'll have to deal with. It's probably why I have PTSD... because I'll have to deal with so many things. I can't wait until I feel good again. I can't wait until I get a girlfriend and am reinvolved. I hope time is by my side and not against me.

 

[timid_flower]

the better I'm feeling, the more it seems like I will have to deal with

You mentioned you had been numb for 10 years which is probably why you're feeling this way. In a way, feeling numb can get comfortable. It's easier than dealing with all those other emotions, so we can get stuck in that state.

Now you want to get better, it's normal to be fearful that it won't happen. I think the fact you want to feel good again is already great progress. I'm sure the rest will happen too.

I hear after every storm, the sun always shines again :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I just hope the sun shines brighter than it did pretrauma.

 

[timid_flower]

I just hope the sun shines brighter than it did pretrauma.

It'll be bright enough after all these years in darkness.

Which just reminded me I lost track of the other thread about the Plato's Allegory of the cave.. I tell you, my concentration leaves a lot to be desired lately.

 

[Thinkingman85]

It's hard to remember what the light feels like. I think you'll like The Allegory of the Cave. There are certain things that I have to understand and I'll be able to see the light again... Knowledge is the key to freedom.

 

[timid_flower]

Very interesting.

Hmm.. when you first see the light, your eyes will be dazzled. You will require time to acclimate and slowly see things clearly. Definitely something to consider :)

 

[maddog]

The journey through grief is never a linear one, nor does it seem to abide by any rules or prescribed pathways. And yes, it's a strange but true irony that it is only when we begin to heal enough to feel emotion that the true depth of the pain and suffering can be experienced. It's why "they" say, I suppose, that it has to get worse before it gets better.

As someone who is just now trying to reconcile the very alien feeling of emotional progress and processing with the horror truth of my past, I can attest to how daunting, and overwhelming, and downright unbearable it can feel at times.

My empathy goes to all of us who are finding our way through these trecharous times.

Maddog

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm with you maddog. We are healing by going through pain. What an ironic way of getting better.

 

[Grace Hope]

Thinkingman85,

Plato - The algory of tthe cave.

I watched it. It said it all it all. I thought it was great and I am greatfull that you posted it.

The cycle of life it is within us all I think. Unfortunatly when in the depths of despare it evades us as do the answers to our problems. Death and rebirth is all around us in every living thing and often there are answers within ourselves that we cannot reach no matter how hard we search. When we are happy and balanced within we don`t really care about the cycle of life as we just get on with what needs to be done without a second thought.

I have seen many cycles end when one door closes, the new beginings when another door opens. The worst part for me is recognising exactly what it is that is ending, how to let it go, and the inevitable situation of how is this ending going to effect me, change me, make me feel stronger. For along time now I have recognised that the endings especially when one has had to fight for something is so emotionally and mentally draining it feels like a very hollow victory.

I think it is good idea to some how use markers of some kind to help recognise beginings and endings of things in ones life. This allows aknowledgement that the time to grieve over the situation that has passed is due. To let go and move on forward to your new place in the world I think is a hard bit as is finding out who the new you is.

The evolvment of mind, body and spirit is a truely amazing thing, we humans are so resilient to things that happen to us. We all need time. We all need a place to heal. We need love and understanding, we all need support from our fellow man. We are only human after all. Perfect - no, just trying to get there like everybody else.

And after all that hard work some horrid bastard comes along and dose something to botch your life up again. The things that other people do - thats what you call humanity. Humanity thats what impedes into our life and re-aranges and disassembles our lives and the way we live and makes us feel like shit every day. It happens to us all to some degree.

I think we need to keep to our own capable speed of healing, not to measure ourselves to closely with what someone else is doing and above all do not give up.

Good luck with your endevour.

God bless
Clan Destany