Into The Storm

[Thinkingman85]

You're right Clan Destiny. Staying strong in our own journey is the measure of a man or woman.

 

[Lady Vet]

so I'm looking forward to the future. However, I feel weary of what awaits. I may be entering a storm.

When I read this last sentence I felt very curious about what you feel weary of. Even if you are entering a storm, what is it that you fear?

 

[Thinkingman85]

The better I get, the more comfortable I feel in my skin. There will be a lot of behaviors and memories that will pop up that I will have to deal with. The potential for reexperiencing the past seems like it will be depressing. However, I think that I'll have to work through all of the mistakes that I've made and get rid of the guilt associated. Reconnecting is so hard when it was so scary in the past.

 

[Lady Vet]

The better I get, the more comfortable I feel

Reconnecting is so hard when it was so scary in the past.

Thinkingman. All morning I have been reviewing the information posted by Anthony in the Trauma Diary Forum. And what stands out for me (after reading all about exposure therapy) is that the intent of exposure therapy is to learn how to tolerate distressing emotions (rather than removing them or avoiding them). And it's also not about feeling at ease after exposure, but about disconfirming our expectations that our thoughts and fears have created into reality.

So, I think you're right...reconnecting with these past experiencing will be hard, and you're not going to feel comfortable doing so. Which then makes me wonder about the expectations that you have about reconnecting with these past experiences...what do you expect will or might happen if you do reconnect with them?

 

[Kim500]

Hi Thinkingman. :) Have you ever read Shakespeare's 'King Lear'?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Lady Vet, if I reconnect, I'll feel normal again. Six years ago, I had a breakdown. I believe that my depression was so strong that I symbolically threw my life away. I feel like I threw my life away on purpose... or I attempted to disconnect myself from reality. I threw away memorabilia and tried to cross out who I was. For six years, I've been trying to get him back. It feels like who I was six years ago was a different person. I feel like I have lost connection with my lineage or the chronology of my life. I feel like a new life started six years ago. I want to believe that my life started 27 years ago and I still am just as valuable and worth living for since I was born. I don't know how I separated myself from myself, but I did. Going through the storm will bring me back to the pure me and not the hurt me. I realize that I'm still the same person, but I believe that there is something more.

Kim500, no I haven't. It's a good book?

 

[Kim500]

Kim500, no I haven't. It's a good book?

Honestly I don't know because I've never read it. I was looking up quotes about storms to find a good one for you and this book kept popping up, even though I couldn't find a direct reference to a storm in it. I just thought I'd ask. :)

 

[Lady Vet]

Lady Vet, if I reconnect, I'll feel normal again. Going through the storm will bring me back to the pure me and not the hurt me. I realize that I'm still the same person, but I believe that there is something more.

And you feel weary of this? Or something else?

 

[Thinkingman85]

The personal belief that I don't deserve to be involved is something I have to get over. I've made mistakes and I've punished myself for six years. If I get reinvolved, I'll have to believe that I am a good person.

 

[timid_flower]

If I get reinvolved, I'll have to believe that I am a good person.

If I may ask. Is there a part of you that believes what you're going through right now is some soft of punishment for the mistakes you've made the past 6 years?

 

[Lady Vet]

The personal belief that I don't deserve to be involved is something I have to get over.

So is that what makes you feel weary? That if you reconnect with who you were and become normal again that you will then need to deal with the reality that you might still feel that you don't deserve to be involved or unworthy of being loved?

 

[Lady Vet]

If I get reinvolved, I'll have to believe that I am a good person.

I think TImid and I are walking through this same place...and I am very aware that getting down into these invisible beliefs can be very painful to feel the full force of their truth. And all I know of you, Thinkingman, is from what I experience here in this Forum, but you ARE a good person. Maybe you've made mistakes, but that just means that you aren't a perfect person, which isn't the same thing at all.

Well...my wish for you is that you are able to feel the truth of your value, of your amazing worth so that you can get reinvolved if that is what you want. Blessings for you on this day of your journey.