Sufferer Intrigued about the website

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katz

MyPTSD Pro
Greetings,

I've had PTSD for about 32 years now. ((I refuse to say I "suffer" with it. darn it. lol Even though it's trashed my life.I won't give it the benefit of saying it's kicked my butt, completely.)) Been in therapy forever. I've made a lot of breakthroughs and changed some bad behavior, but when it comes to PTSD, almost nothing has ever changed how I feel about the traumatic events, or the illogical garbage connected to what most consider "normal" activities. I have tried exposure therapy, EMDR, CBT. Literally nothing has changed when it comes to the ptsd experiences. They happen all the time, no matter what the situation, and avoidance has been the only way to really handle it so I function as a human. I guess.

A few years ago, I was doing exposure therapy about 3 times a week w/3 caring doc types from the same company. We worked on this for about 6-12 months. (Difficult during summer as I have other responsibilities and it has to be put on hold.) I aggressively, actively tried my best to face my fears - and when I read about folks being able to handle things after 10 sessions or something - I have to laugh - I have never had that kind of relief.

I'm surprised to see there's a forum about ptsd! Not long ago, folks were generally concerned about privacy and medical issues and usually wouldn't even email regarding the topic, due to privacy concerns. - So, where I am very leery about posting for that reason, it's also amazing to see I am not alone. It's *such* a pain in the butt (ptsd). Been dealing with it longer than I ever did before it happened. It's connected to something that means a darn lot to me, and I have never been able to disconnect the trauma from the activity. (Mother and her absolute bonkers church group cast "demons" out of me for years because I would 1) spend time in my room reading and 2) because I was seen as being "evil" and 3) **this is the big one** that I could draw better than a lot of other folks and they taught me it would be used "to hurt people". Everyone has a skill in life and sustains them, for me - drawing was it, and I'm terrified of doing it.

As much as I *know* and understand that the fears are irrational, that others are able to do similar activities w/out being 'cast into hell' or whatever, and the world doesn't end when I do any kind of drawing or painting - I have not been successful in undoing the trauma and how it relates to artwork in general. I'd literally try anything at this point. Exposure therapy, however, unfortunately, does not seem to be doing the trick. They say it works. Makes me wonder if the therapists don't know how to change it, really//like they're doing the trauma desensitization wrong? I was reading about some folks' experiences w/ET and actually learned a few things from the founder's responses on the forum! It makes me think the therapists over the years have not been doing something correctly in regards to the trauma.

Anyway. I think it's real stupid. I really hate it. I know the fear is irrational and I probably won't die, and yet when I attempt to do the stuff I avoid - my defenses are so amazingly strong in trying to 'save me' - that I can barely function, and sit crying a lot, still not really capable of doing any type of art.

There have been a few successes, where I wanted to go out and run a few miles so badly, that I told myself I didn't care if I was going to have a meteor hit me while I was doing it - I was going to do it. Real bad experience before I left the house - the cat seemed to know something was wrong with me at the time, and rubbed on my face as I was crying. I was super grateful. She kinda woke me up.

Everyone here has my utmost respect and I wish you success and peace in your life. <3

Sincerely,
sat

Welcome to the forum ! I hope it helps you with your thoughts and feelings.

Ah! Thank you very much!! :)

I found all kinds of things!! Forums called: Avoidance, Dysregulation, Hypervigilance! My gosh, I can't believe I'm seeing this! I can't wait to read these and see what I can find. I hope folks that are successful in dealing with this stuff post there, too! I want to know how. lol!! :)

I was very afraid to create a name and place for myself when I first found this site. (Much yet, talk.) However, I quickly discovered that it felt sooo good to find out that others felt like me - even if the circumstances were different. It was such a relief for me to know that I wasn't crazy because of what I thought about me.

I know that your welcome here and am sure that you will find support for what bothers you. Welcome.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the forum ! I hope it helps you with your thoughts and feelings.


I found my art part suffered for so long......my mother was artistic and I dare not be better than her. I have epilepsy...the demon thing trips me out because fundamentalists believe in "casting out demons" or people with seizures have demons.....and then it becomes and opportunity for healing....yeah, nope......took a beating over something similar but I did not grow up with fundamentalism.....that can be so damaging...I'm so sorry you had to deal with this....I lost two friends to a Christian cult.....if I didn't join, then I was an outsider.....the rules are so rigid and I said no......but the loss was awful.
I could feel inside that my art part had something to say, and that it could feel.....and convey feelings I couldn't express verbally. My desire to draw was very strong....so I acknowledged it and started small, with a small class-we met 4 times. I had another protective part that didn't groove with the drawing.....so I drew that part.......and had internal conversations letting it know that it was safe now to draw-and maybe it wanted to help me...(yeah...this sounds really dumb...but eventually things came together)
There was no need to be on alert doing any kind of art not to dissociate.....which put me in a dissociative state......and then I couldn't. Art therapy was a bust....too intimidating. It took 2 years of trying different kinds of art and working with 1 person, then a couple in a class in order to be able to produce art and keep one foot in reality.....but what I found was....that I'm really good at it..........and that's how I worked up to doing art. I also kinda talked to myself and drew those parts who were causing me problems....giving them attention and respect within the drawing/art process helped. Now I listen to music, and do art......music helps with grounding.
Good luck with that....I'm over 60-getting better ......and starting to really enjoy it. Hang in there and keep trying.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
I found my art part suffered for so long......my mother was artistic and I dare not be better than her. I have epilepsy...the demon thing trips me out because fundamentalists believe in "casting out demons" or people with seizures have demons.....and then it becomes and opportunity for healing....yeah, nope......took a beating over something similar but I did not grow up with fundamentalism.....that can be so damaging...I'm so sorry you had to deal with this....I lost two friends to a Christian cult.....if I didn't join, then I was an outsider.....the rules are so rigid and I said no......but the loss was awful.
I could feel inside that my art part had something to say, and that it could feel.....and convey feelings I couldn't express verbally. My desire to draw was very strong....so I acknowledged it and started small, with a small class-we met 4 times. I had another protective part that didn't groove with the drawing.....so I drew that part.......and had internal conversations letting it know that it was safe now to draw-and maybe it wanted to help me...(yeah...this sounds really dumb...but eventually things came together)
There was no need to be on alert doing any kind of art not to dissociate.....which put me in a dissociative state......and then I couldn't. Art therapy was a bust....too intimidating. It took 2 years of trying different kinds of art and working with 1 person, then a couple in a class in order to be able to produce art and keep one foot in reality.....but what I found was....that I'm really good at it..........and that's how I worked up to doing art. I also kinda talked to myself and drew those parts who were causing me problems....giving them attention and respect within the drawing/art process helped. Now I listen to music, and do art......music helps with grounding.
Good luck with that....I'm over 60-getting better ......and starting to really enjoy it. Hang in there and keep trying.

I understand some of what your feeling. I also have epilepsy and have been on many different prescriptions. There are a lot of people who don't understand what it is and are very uncomfortable even learning about it.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
Greetings,

I've had PTSD for about 32 years now. ((I refuse to say I "suffer" with it. darn it. lol Even though it's trashed my life.I won't give it the benefit of saying it's kicked my butt, completely.)) Been in therapy forever. I've made a lot of breakthroughs and changed some bad behavior, but when it comes to PTSD, almost nothing has ever changed how I feel about the traumatic events, or the illogical garbage connected to what most consider "normal" activities. I have tried exposure therapy, EMDR, CBT. Literally nothing has changed when it comes to the ptsd experiences. They happen all the time, no matter what the situation, and avoidance has been the only way to really handle it so I function as a human. I guess.

A few years ago, I was doing exposure therapy about 3 times a week w/3 caring doc types from the same company. We worked on this for about 6-12 months. (Difficult during summer as I have other responsibilities and it has to be put on hold.) I aggressively, actively tried my best to face my fears - and when I read about folks being able to handle things after 10 sessions or something - I have to laugh - I have never had that kind of relief.

I'm surprised to see there's a forum about ptsd! Not long ago, folks were generally concerned about privacy and medical issues and usually wouldn't even email regarding the topic, due to privacy concerns. - So, where I am very leery about posting for that reason, it's also amazing to see I am not alone. It's *such* a pain in the butt (ptsd). Been dealing with it longer than I ever did before it happened. It's connected to something that means a darn lot to me, and I have never been able to disconnect the trauma from the activity. (Mother and her absolute bonkers church group cast "demons" out of me for years because I would 1) spend time in my room reading and 2) because I was seen as being "evil" and 3) **this is the big one** that I could draw better than a lot of other folks and they taught me it would be used "to hurt people". Everyone has a skill in life and sustains them, for me - drawing was it, and I'm terrified of doing it.

As much as I *know* and understand that the fears are irrational, that others are able to do similar activities w/out being 'cast into hell' or whatever, and the world doesn't end when I do any kind of drawing or painting - I have not been successful in undoing the trauma and how it relates to artwork in general. I'd literally try anything at this point. Exposure therapy, however, unfortunately, does not seem to be doing the trick. They say it works. Makes me wonder if the therapists don't know how to change it, really//like they're doing the trauma desensitization wrong? I was reading about some folks' experiences w/ET and actually learned a few things from the founder's responses on the forum! It makes me think the therapists over the years have not been doing something correctly in regards to the trauma.

Anyway. I think it's real stupid. I really hate it. I know the fear is irrational and I probably won't die, and yet when I attempt to do the stuff I avoid - my defenses are so amazingly strong in trying to 'save me' - that I can barely function, and sit crying a lot, still not really capable of doing any type of art.

There have been a few successes, where I wanted to go out and run a few miles so badly, that I told myself I didn't care if I was going to have a meteor hit me while I was doing it - I was going to do it. Real bad experience before I left the house - the cat seemed to know something was wrong with me at the time, and rubbed on my face as I was crying. I was super grateful. She kinda woke me up.

Everyone here has my utmost respect and I wish you success and peace in your life. <3

Sincerely,
sat
Welcome. I can really relate with a lot of what you said.

I too have been fighting with this for as long as I can remember. You're right about having to just "get on with life" I wish it was as easy as everyone else thinks it is. Welcome and I hope you find what you need here in the forum.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I understand some of what your feeling. I also have epilepsy and have been on many different prescriptions. There are a lot of people who don't understand what it is and are very uncomfortable even learning about it.
The lady from the epilepsy foundation said that in my state, they are giving 8 hours of free memory training. I agreed to take the course since it is distance, over the phone, and them course materials they send to you free.....I figure I'm a "beta tester" but seizures, like TBI, anti-seizure meds, and trauma all negatively impact brain function and chemistry. I can use any strategy that will make my life easier!
 
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