Intro

[Tired of hiding]

Quick intro....deployed twice to Iraq, '04 and '06-07. First deployment wasn't bad, IDF daily but it was manageable at the time. Second trip was another story. I had separated from AD and taken a job as a civilian cop. When it came time for my guard unit to deploy they decided I should take the convoy team since I was a cop and had been to the AOR before. So they gave me a bunch of kids with no combat experience, some reclaimed bullshit gun trucks and weapons and told us to move equipment from Baghdad to Mosul and every shit hole FOB between. So in the middle of the "surge" we were on the road 5 out of 7 days a week. We did our best and I know I made some mistakes that cost my guys a price that I would pay for them every day if I could. I was too young to lead that group of kids but they had heart and were fearless. They never questioned an order and would drive into the middle of Sadr city without a second thought. Ten months on the road and shit is unavoidable. I asked them to do more than anyone should have but we were doing what we were ordered even though our POS officers were too scared to get in a truck and see what my guys were going through. IED after IED we kept driving. Every time one of my guys went down I was told to make due with what we had. This was not a combat unit but a bunch of AF civil engineers who dared to call themselves REDHORSE. We were left to fend for ourselves by the leadership but were expected to go out anytime some jerk off wanted something moved. Anyway, I feel like I could write a book about it.

It's tough when you don't have anyone to talk to that has a f'in clue as to what you are going through. I'm back on AD now and in a HQ full of people that have never deployed and could care less about what happened over there as long as they didn't have to go or if they did go they didn't have to leave the pool at Balad or go near the wire, let alone venture outside of it. I've put on a game face the whole time I've been there all the while trying to get help. Military One Source was a joke but I finally found a doc that would listen and referred me to the psychs. I've been on every anxiety and depression meds imaginable since then but my leadership has no clue and could care less. I'll retire in less than a year and I can't imagine it getting any better after that. I'm tired of smiling and faking it because nobody would understand or care. I've been on convalescent leave for the last month after a back surgery and have been in my head the whole time. I'm afraid to go back to work because I know I can't keep up the charade but don't want to take it out on my current troops. They haven't done anything wrong, they just don't understand. The leadership on the other hand is a different story, they should know and should care but they don't and I don't know how to deal with that except through anger or just shutting down. I don't want to risk really messing up during my last few months and threaten my retirement but it's so hard to stay quiet and calm. Every time one of those sorry ass oak leafs or eagles open their mouths I just want to stick them in the throat so they know what it's like to bleed or see someone bleed. My wife suffers through it, my kids suffer through it so why shouldn't they.
I go back to the psych on Monday and I'm tired of lying to her about how I really feel but am afraid of the consequences of telling her the whole truth. I trust them just enough to fill my meds so I can sleep sometimes and be semi-pleasant to my family.

Sorry for the rant if you took the time to read this whole thing. It's good to be able to get some of it out though.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Hi Tired, weren't we all at some point.

I'll retire in less than a year and I can't imagine it getting any better after that. I'm tired of smiling and faking it because nobody would understand or care.

We understand I can assure you that your not alone. Your at the end of your career and that just adds to the shit going through your head. I've never retired but I've been a "short timer" (old Nam expression), I know when a day seems like a year. You'll find several guys/gals here that are active and may help with you situation.

Your being treated for anxiety and seeing a Psych. have they diagnosed you with PTSD?

I go back to the psych on Monday and I'm tired of lying to her about how I really feel but am afraid of the consequences of telling her the whole truth. I trust them just enough to fill my meds so I can sleep sometimes and be semi-pleasant to my family.

You don't want to put you future on the line on what you say to the docs but you have to talk to someone you can trust. Not sure if you are a member of a church but a Chaplain might be a place to start.

So rant all you like here if it is helping you get through the day.

Ba

 

[reddevil1111]

You need help. You need to talk about what happened as its part of the healing process. If you want to stay outside of the chain of command you could go to the local county mental health. They will at least listen and that's a good start. If I were you, I would try to time the disclosure of you having PTSD to your command. I think you should reveal it but do so at a time where its to late for them to act in a negative manner on your retirement or discharge. I say you should reveal it so its an easier process to deal with the VA for help.
I could be wrong. This is just my opinion. Get more info from others that are either still in or have recently gotten out.

Thing is you have violent tendencies and a lot of anger. Most of us do as well. The big difference is we are out of the Military and you are not. Your actions are governed by the ucmj and you have to know as a senior enlisted how bad things will get for you if you should act out that anger upon those you feel let you down. Its got to be tough to still be serving with all that emotion.

Try to find someone to talk to it will help a lot. Medication is a crutch that helps but even that help can be considered short term. For a lot of us the meds fail to help even after a short time of using them. There is a lot of experimentation with different meds to try to find the mix that works for each individual. Mine got pretty esoteric and I finally had enough and I am now trying to go without any meds at all. I am having a good amount of success due to the removal of most of my triggers and a severe reduction to exposure to the ones I cant avoid.

There are some things you can do to help out with the PTSD. Avoid all forms of drugs and alcohol. Its a trap a lot of us found in a form of self medication prior to admitting we had an issue we needed help with that was not about the drugs or booze but about PTSD. By recognizing you have a problem now, your a long way ahead of a lot of other guys and gals.

There is no fast fix. no pill is going to cure your ills. Only you can temper the effects and learn to moderate your emotions and bring this under some form of control. It takes a lot of effort, time and exposure to what you bottled up in the first place.

I think your doing a lot in coming here and opening up. Admitting there is a problem and wanting to fix it is a big part of getting on the right path. I hope you stay, read, post, rant ...learn and help teach us as well. This is the best site on the web for PTSD related to combat bar none. Welcome. And good luck brother. Semper Fi.

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome buddy. Learning to manage your depression, anxiety and all the other mixed bag of symptoms that come with 'The Beast' (PTSD) is a long hard road, but it does get better, especially coming to this site and reading the Link Removed and watching the Link Removed, or just by reading the threads.

I am from Australia, where do you live, from what I understand it can take you days to drive from one coast to the next.

I did Iraq 05-06.

Jimmy

 

[reddevil1111]

Jimmy my recent trip from Orlando Florida to Ft. Collins Colorado was almost 2000 miles each way. That translated to 27 hrs of driving time. Not including breaks or fuel stops. It can take someone 3 days of driving from one coast to the other 3-4 days driving 14-15 hrs each day. Some chaps recently fitted out a sports car with extra fuel tanks and 3 guys driving in shifts with an average speed of over 90 mph made it from new York to LA. in just over 28 hrs. Google it.

 

[Tired of hiding]

Thank you. It is nice to have a place to talk to people that understand what the hell I'm talking about. I am trying hard to maintain for the next 10 months or so but like I said, I'm tired of hiding it. I'll see the psych again on Monday and see what she says.
Jimmy, I live in DC now. Probably the most frustrating city on earth. A lot of people that like to run their mouths about "helping" but don't do a thing to back it up.

 

[vikingr12]

Welcome, Tired. And I could quote almost sentence of your post but I really liked the simple phrase "and every shit hole FOB between."

in the Paleozoic era, in the line between Fishhook and Saigon, there were FOB's everywhere, and every road had a sniper or two on the way. Snipers sure do love mountains that look down on a road. Humvees, Bradley's and M113's were not in my AOR at least. So you brought back some memories.

It took them a while to diagnose me. And longer for me to accept it and go with the flow.

 

[CAFTT0607]

Welcome

 

[bobbybob]

Welcome mate

 

[AnotherPerson]

Man, I feel ya on that leadership part, saying how they should know and everything. On my last deployment there was a senior officer who got 8 men killed on a bullshit HME mission.

 

[Lurch]

Tired, welcome.

The issue with letting your command know that you have PTSD is not a rank issue at all. As a senior "O", I also have issues with having it accepted by my command. It is hard for my peers to understand it if (a) they have not deployed, or (b) deployed to a quieter AOR. I am telling you this so you understand that there are "O"s that understand and have been dealing with the same issues as you. We also have to keep quiet to a certain extent.

Advise (I am assumeing you are a US service member)... please do not wait to deal with this after you retire. If you process the paperwork after you retire then it will take approximately two years to get you benifits that you deserve. If you don't beleive me ask around. Talk with your provider about putting you on a Physical Evaluation Board (PEB). This makes the VA give you a rating prior to your package going to the medical board. If you are approved or close to a retirement date/time, you will most likely come back "fit for duty" for your retirement. However, the VA has already rated your findings and it will be in your VA record when you retire. This makes it very easy to access services when you get out and the timeline is Congressionally mandated. This will also make your Command deal with you having PTSD in a non-punitory way (it protects you). I have never seen any service not retire someone, who is eligable, that was found unfit for full duty. That would be a congressional nightmare.

 

[Tired of hiding]

Thanks Lurch. I did not mean to generalize officers in my intro. I have a current leadership issue but know of and have worked with many fine officers that I would follow into battle any day. Unfortunately, I wouldn't follow my current leadership to the bathroom let alone into combat. Luckily I know that will never be an issue. I do judge a leader/officer by my perceived ability of him or her to lead troops into a world of suck without getting us all killed.

I do appreciate your advice. I am US military and do plan on talking to my doc about the PEB when I see her next month. I work in the Pentagon now so I sometimes feel like their grasp on combat injuries (physical or mental) is limited and skewed.
In addition to my PTSD I have chronic pain for which I just had a Spinal Cord Stimulator implanted and this has prevented me from taking a PT test for over 2 years. I don't see how they could feel a PEB is not warranted but it feels strange asking for it.