Airedale 48
Bronze Member
Hi, my name is Dan. I guess the best way to introduce myself is to explain how I've come to this list and why I am here.
Since I was a boy I've had mental health issues. I went from extreme rage to utter depression. Success at school was impossible. Mostly I eaither slept or caused trouble or got into fights.
After high school my mom kicked me out of the house. It was either save her other children or continue to allow me to damage everyone. I was homeless off and on until I joined the military where I was a Paratrooper who specialized in demolitions.
After I got out I went from job to job and no matter how hard I tried I always failed. At the time I used to squat in abandoned buildings or sleep in the woods. I had few friends.
It got to the point where I could not continue to work and fail and finally settled on being homeless. Every day I wanted to kill myself. The only thing that stopped me was my very strong belief in courage and honor.
I'd gone to counseling off and on throughout and had many different diagnosis. Finally I think one counselor got it right. Sadly she had to retire. Since then I ended up in the psych ward twice. My counselor diagnosed me with chronic long term and severe depression along with a stress disorder.
Mostly these days I do my best to get out of my house. When I do rarely, unless I have to, do I spend time with people. Mostly I work on my lot splitting wood, clearing brush and hunting.
The outside is scary and sometimes when I am out in the world I have these rages where I am scared I will hurt someone. I don't even have enough time to thinik. I just react. A good example was about three weeks ago. I backed out of a driveway on a country road. There was a car coming but it was a distance away. I pulled out and next thing I know the guy sped up behind me and started swirving about. I felt unable to think and completely out of control. I hit my breaks, swirved my van so that the driver could not easily get around me and jumped out looking to hurt the guy. There were two fairly big guys who possibly could have hurt me. It didn't matter. It seems like when in that space no matter how much the personwants to raise the anti I'll go one step further. The hole time it's like there are two voices. One say STOP, the other saying "F" this I'm gonna take care of this. One guy told me to get back in my van before I got hurt. I walked back to my van and grabbed my jack. At that point they left. I was sad that I behaved that way. I'm sad now thinking about it. When younger I imaganed myself a warrior. My father raised me to be that way. I wanted to appear intimidating and capable Today I want nothing more but for people to know me as a compassionate guy. I want to be able to hold a job. Meet a woman and be able to hold on to her. That wont happen until I learn to somehow control my rage and depression and not be afraid of the world.
Anyway, I hope I didn't go too long. I am glad to be hear and hope that people found my intro interesting and want to reply. Thank you for having me, Sincerely, Dan.
Since I was a boy I've had mental health issues. I went from extreme rage to utter depression. Success at school was impossible. Mostly I eaither slept or caused trouble or got into fights.
After high school my mom kicked me out of the house. It was either save her other children or continue to allow me to damage everyone. I was homeless off and on until I joined the military where I was a Paratrooper who specialized in demolitions.
After I got out I went from job to job and no matter how hard I tried I always failed. At the time I used to squat in abandoned buildings or sleep in the woods. I had few friends.
It got to the point where I could not continue to work and fail and finally settled on being homeless. Every day I wanted to kill myself. The only thing that stopped me was my very strong belief in courage and honor.
I'd gone to counseling off and on throughout and had many different diagnosis. Finally I think one counselor got it right. Sadly she had to retire. Since then I ended up in the psych ward twice. My counselor diagnosed me with chronic long term and severe depression along with a stress disorder.
Mostly these days I do my best to get out of my house. When I do rarely, unless I have to, do I spend time with people. Mostly I work on my lot splitting wood, clearing brush and hunting.
The outside is scary and sometimes when I am out in the world I have these rages where I am scared I will hurt someone. I don't even have enough time to thinik. I just react. A good example was about three weeks ago. I backed out of a driveway on a country road. There was a car coming but it was a distance away. I pulled out and next thing I know the guy sped up behind me and started swirving about. I felt unable to think and completely out of control. I hit my breaks, swirved my van so that the driver could not easily get around me and jumped out looking to hurt the guy. There were two fairly big guys who possibly could have hurt me. It didn't matter. It seems like when in that space no matter how much the personwants to raise the anti I'll go one step further. The hole time it's like there are two voices. One say STOP, the other saying "F" this I'm gonna take care of this. One guy told me to get back in my van before I got hurt. I walked back to my van and grabbed my jack. At that point they left. I was sad that I behaved that way. I'm sad now thinking about it. When younger I imaganed myself a warrior. My father raised me to be that way. I wanted to appear intimidating and capable Today I want nothing more but for people to know me as a compassionate guy. I want to be able to hold a job. Meet a woman and be able to hold on to her. That wont happen until I learn to somehow control my rage and depression and not be afraid of the world.
Anyway, I hope I didn't go too long. I am glad to be hear and hope that people found my intro interesting and want to reply. Thank you for having me, Sincerely, Dan.
