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Invalidation: The Root Of All Evil?

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Underneath I am terrified of anyone else seeing how confused, over reactive, over complicated or clueless I am - as if it's my fault I don't understand how to do any of it. My life's work has been to cover his up and pretend.... even while working through therapy I have been terrified to let the defences down lest those fears of being seen as a wretch come true again - in 2011...OMG!!

Helliepig- I read your post, like three times, and wanted to quote the whole thing. This part especially, though. I feel like that , too, like my life's work has been to fake normality. Punish myself when I fail. But why am I bad for being "lost and lonely and frightened and hurting?" Why do I punish myself for not having the social skills of those around me?

You raise some really good thoughts.
 
Did anyone ever feel invalidated to invisibility? Where "you" have withdrawn so deeply into yourself, it is hard to find yourself? Always looking for outward clues and the responses of others, because you feel vaporous?

Used to feel like a ghost, haunting my own life. Sometimes I wanted to go poltergeist. I thought maybe if I threw something that smashed the TV my parents would look at me for a few minutes.

Does this happen more to kids who are locked up or punished with the silent treatment?
 
I think our negative self feelings actually try to create a smokescreen to protect ourselves - better to think you are useless than to EVER have to feel the utter terror and loneliness underneath. (It's so bad to face your worthlessness that you are not generally in real danger of stumbling across the real trauma underneath and therefore a very effective defence mechanism to protect yourself from your dreadfully hurt parts.......sneaky)

So it's something you chose to believe about yourself long ago for a good reason. (and it fitted in with what the shits around you told you)

Doesn't mean those feelings are true - the truth is however, YOU will NEED to believe them until the day you are ready to deal with the underneath layers....... And they will stay untiil you risk really looking at them and questioning them.

The little part of you inderneath all that, that is so dreadfully hurt. is part of you too - he/she has been banished behind the thick walls of defences and is so very lost.......
 
This thread is really connecting with me. I'm in the middle of trying to reconcile and accept this very stuff right now. Feeling no ability to communicate about it yet, or about much of anything, but just wanted to say what a relief it is to read the reflections of those who can and who make me feel that little bit less alone.

Maddog
 
I managed with a lot of therapy to crawl out from the ugly spell of ptsd after 3-4 years of trauma therapy from '97-2001/-2. Everybody said I was "normal" again and not "feeling sorry for myself" anymore; I moved ou of town were I had always lived. I've not been even out for dinner since 1998. I do not have "friends" aquaintances that want me to join them at parties. No man in my life. Almost no friends at all. Just dogs. Big safe dogs.

They've been calling me normal the last years. Then my tormentor needed ME to help HER. One of my very few friends stabbed me in the back where it hurts, - with my dogs.

I know I was right on before; the world is NOT a safe place. I'm off into ptsd-land again without any footing. So yes, invalidation has been an important part of my everyday life, and it still is. The worst part of that is how do we ever learn to validate our self, our feeling no matter how immature they are? And even I know that as long as I don't see any value in myself, how can I ever expect anyone else to see it?

"Long-distance-caring" as we do here on this forum is not new to me. That was my escape from a very early age: believing there was someone out there far far away.

Sorry, got rambling. I'll post it - moderators can delete if it's way off topic.
 
The worst part of that is how do we ever learn to validate our self, our feeling no matter how immature they are? And even I know that as long as I don't see any value in myself, how can I ever expect anyone else to see it?

I think I know the answer to this. But I'll be honest; it scares the cr*p out of me.

Sooner or later we have to start saying that we're good. Worthwhile. Useful. Kind. Generous. Loving. Over and over and over. We have to get brave enough to believe we are that stuff despite however many years of everybody around us saying the opposite.

I think, personally, I've thought if I was humble enough, if I said "sorry" enough, if I admitted that I was a bad, horrible person... the punishment would stop. Problem is, the punishments stopped years ago, and I'm still saying it. Still cutting myself down. Still scared to believe I might be kind or pretty or worth knowing BECAUSE... I'm afraid that someday I might be believing that, and some evil person with a tongue of acid will come along and scoff and say, "You? YOU?!? Not hardly!" And everybody around will laugh, too, at me, this stupid ugly woman who dared to believe she was somebody worth loving.

The risk is so great, it feels safer to stay in my hole and think I'm disgusting. At least, then when they smack me down, I'm not surprised. I was expecting it. And that makes me feel in control. Like I can predict when the blows are coming.

I know Freakofnurtures' thread about 100 things I like about myself helped me a lot. I started thinking, well, if I don't like all of me, at least I like bits and pieces. It's a place to start.
 
My psychologist explained that when someone goes through a trauma and doesn't have a break from it, that is when the chemicals of stress going around the brain turn it into PTSD. I consider my mother's invalidation continued emotional blackmail to believe my dad had a reason to abuse me and support of the abuser's side of the trauma as the main factor that did not allow me to have a break and keep going over the trauma in my head for months.
Invalidation often happens on a grand scale if there is one non biological offspring and a whole extended family and family friends that suddenly support the abuser, leaving the victim feel very invalidated indeed. I agree with invalidation as being a big part of why I got PTSD.
Would it have made a difference if I had had some support during my childhood? Yes I believe so. That's the difference between me who wouldn't have had PTSD and me who got this illness.I will never know.
I'm surprised to find that although I went through my trauma at 19, my first incidence of violence at 5 from the same violent person, was almost an exact copy of what happened in my trauma at 19. I wonder my trauma at 19 woke up a lot a part of me at the age of 5. I find that very interesting.
 
I think I know the answer to this. But I'll be honest; it scares the cr*p out of me.

Sooner or later we have to start saying that we're good. Worthwhile. Useful. Kind. Generous. Loving. Over and over and over. We have to get brave enough to believe we are that stuff despite however many years of everybody around us saying the opposite.

Yes, this. It really does help...but it is really hard when you have had the opposite messages installed in you. The good thing is that the power of your own words over rides everything that other people say. It might sound like hocus pocus, but it's really true that you can tell yourself these things and after a while it will sink in. It gets less scary the more you do it, I promise.

I think, personally, I've thought if I was humble enough, if I said "sorry" enough, if I admitted that I was a bad, horrible person... the punishment would stop. Problem is, the punishments stopped years ago, and I'm still saying it. Still cutting myself down. Still scared to believe I might be kind or pretty or worth knowing BECAUSE... I'm afraid that someday I might be believing that, and some evil person with a tongue of acid will come along and scoff and say, "You? YOU?!? Not hardly!" And everybody around will laugh, too, at me, this stupid ugly woman who dared to believe she was somebody worth loving.

I can see how this would be an easy thing to think, and it sounds so right...but saying sorry constantly actually weakens us as humans...especially when we've done nothing to be sorry for in reality. It's almost easier to do it to ourselves so we are prepared for when someone else cuts us down. Being able to counter act whatever someone else projects onto us...and that's what it really is...just their own projection based on their own issues...is a better way I think. Very hard to keep up with once you've internalized those messages, but still...it's the fight.

The risk is so great, it feels safer to stay in my hole and think I'm disgusting. At least, then when they smack me down, I'm not surprised. I was expecting it. And that makes me feel in control. Like I can predict when the blows are coming.

Haha...yeah exactly. I could have read this first before I answered above.

I know Freakofnurtures' thread about 100 things I like about myself helped me a lot. I started thinking, well, if I don't like all of me, at least I like bits and pieces. It's a place to start.

Definitely a good place to start. There's also this mindset in society that says anyone who says anything nice about themselves is "Up themselves"...because it seems they all think it's better to stay down and at the same level. If having confidence in ourselves is frowned upon, then you know it's a sick society.

Being able to say nice things to yourself about yourself is a really important step towards building higher self-esteem. It works. I need to do a lot more of it right now myself.

Even though mine isn't in the best place now...I remember years ago when I started all my own therapy and healing, that challenging myself to do this yielded some great results and I really did improve at liking myself more and being my own best friend. That's really the aim. Even if you don't draw in new friends who can see this, if you can see it yourself, then at least you have one really good friend. I think that's a better option than tearing myself down first so others don't get that satisfaction.
 
Thanks, Philippa, for all the kind words!

And, it's good to know it works. (Saying nice things about yourself). I may try incorporating this into my exercise routine. Positive affirmations until I feel like screaming.... then running really hard to work off the tension and anxiety! :D
 
Abuse f*cks up a child's ability to create for themselves their own view of the world and themselves on their own. Rather than having any foundation upon which to build their perception of themselves, they just have what they are told by others. Any attempt to individualize is destroyed. In my opinion it is more or less related to the structure of how a person forms their own complete self and personality. With normal children, they have a normal healthy sense of self and can supply their own interpretation of themselves about themselves, to themselves.

With abused children, they have no sense of self and they derive who they are from their environment. Thus, who they are changes with the people around them. Or, they can only allow certain information to stick, that is, information that is the most common and understood: They are wrong, bad, etc. People with good self esteem and sense of self don't go around saying "I'm good" as much as an abused person attributes everything they are and do with being "Bad", as a person with a good sense of self is generally aware that one isn't fundamentally good or bad, that all they can control is how they act.

With abuse, you feel fundamentally flawed because that is what was told to you. You re-absorb information that meshes with that worldview and reject new, contradictory information because it is literally easier to be a bad person than it is to change your entire perception of yourself, your abuse, of the world, and of practically everything around you in terms of what is good and bad and everything in between. With being "good" comes the expectation that you will remain good, etc. This is generally because of core invalidation which occurs as a child before a child is able to create their own perception of themselves and their world.

And as a result of that, it renders a person basically incapable of perceiving themselves on their own. They constantly look to the outside world for affirmation, for acceptance, and for validation. As a healthy kid, you would have learned how to validate yourself, affirm yourself, and accept yourself. Because you don't know how to do this, the only other option is substituting that with other people's opinions. Thus, your core self is constantly changing with the whims of everyone around you whose opinions may alter on a daily basis.

And, it is what continues the cycle of abuse in terms of revictimization. An abuse victim understands abuse, and understands the views of themselves by an abuser, thus they consistently seek out abusive individuals because those individuals make sense in their distorted worldview and they themselves continue the cycle all on their own. I've rambled on, sorry. Sure none of this is even relevant. Anyway...
 
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