Is A Relationship Worth Fighting For When One Is Pushing You Away?

[Im trying]

Is a relationship worth fighting for when one is pushing you away?
Me and my husband have been together for five years. We have been through plenty of hard times as many have and got through them together, but PTSD is a entire new animal. We have a nine month old baby girl that he loves to death. He came home about a month ago and decided that he needs to focus on his carrer and we are in the way.When I left and went to my sisters for the weekend to give him space and time to think he told my sister that he wanted us gone because I trigger his PTSD flash backs. I want to help him in any way I can to start to deal with his PTSD, but he is pushing me away. My confusion is that he will text me a few days into me being gone and tell me that I don't need to leave the house I can stay in out home till I find an apartment. Should I go and help himm from a distance or stay and try to work through what he is going through. I think he send mixed signals because he dotn know how to deal with what is going on in his head. Any advise is much appreciated. Thank you

 

[Mallaky]

This sounds horrible. Am I getting this right? He kicked you out with your baby girl, and you are still focusing on how to help him?

It seems he is either a) a horrible person that is no worth fighting for. Or b) He is immensely troubled and needs professional help that you cannot provide. If b) then the best help I can imagine right now is setting an ultimatum to get him into therapy. Then again, I could be completely wrong and misunderstand everything. But this

Should I go and help himm from a distance or stay and try to work through what he is going through.

is not the only choice. You forgot the one where you prioritize the needs of yourself and your baby.

 

[Im trying]

This sounds horrible. Am I getting this right? He kicked you out with your baby girl, and you are still...

He is not a bad person at all he is just lost in all this and is trying to figure out how to deal with it. I think he does not want us to see him go through this because he thinks it makes him look weak. We came back home today until I an find an apartment and good job. He just found out he has PTSD and is not seeing anyone for it yet because he does not have insurance.

 

[EveHarrington]

If this is indeed PTSD fueled, it really doesn't matter------your daughter is your priority now, not him. It's pretty bad when a guy kicks his wife and infant daughter out of the house in the name of furthering his career. If he's willing to get help then a future with him may be possible. Otherwise I advise moving on so that you can provide for your daughters needs.

 

[Im trying]

I am doing everything I can to get out, but he does need a support system as well. He has no family here. It would kill me if something happened to him. I dotn want to paint him to be a bad father he does love his daughter. I can tell by looking at him he is going through torture in his mind.

 

[claire east]

I understand he's probably pushing you away because he might think that what you want as I know that how I am with hubbie I've been there so I know because I have ptsd and it's so hard because you push people away I'm meaning me stick with him you get there in the end

 

[Im trying]

When I first got on here I watched the videos and broke down because I have been doing everything wrong. I have been to mothering and just being a big ol B, but I learn from my mistakes and will do better to help him. I just really feel helpless like I cant help him, but I will try everything I can. If he needs space I will give it to him but I just don't know why he would want me to come back when I could have stayed at my sisters unless deep down he really wants us here. I hope that the new education on PTSD that I have gotten in the last few days will help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't fix him. We have to accept that as supporters. Nothing we do or say is going to make them better. You have to let that thinking go.

We can support and love, have their backs, etc., but we cannot fix them or be responsible for their health or well being.

We need to look out for ourselves and our children first.

 

[Thizette]

He is not a bad person at all he is just lost in all this and is trying to figure out how to deal wit...

I believe that most people with mental illness who damage their loved ones are not bad people. I'm not a bad person, but I've done my fair share of hurting others. Similarly, I had a friend who was addicted to heavy drugs. He'd get clean for a while, and then he'd start lying an stealing again. He had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met, but when he was overcome by his addiction, there was nothing anyone could do to help him--we all had to help ourselves by setting boundaries.

A term my support group uses is "emotional sobriety". We use it to describe healthy emotional behaviors, and it's something that family-supporters often struggle with because they just want to help. It's important to acknowledge that your concern for him comes from love. You are close enough to see all of the wonderful things about him, and you are close enough to be caught in the wreckage, too. I agree with previous posters that you need to prioritize yourself and your child; you can detach with love. You can separate from him and still be there as a supportive friend when he decides he wants help. If you insist on helping when he's not ready for it you will only hurt yourself.

It sounds like we're all giving you advice that you don't want to hear, and I hope that whether you take our advice or not, you understand that it comes from a place of genuine concern

Be well.

 

[Im trying]

I believe that most people with mental illness who damage their loved ones are not bad people. I'm not...

Thank you for your posts I will be separating myself from him asap as I am doing more harm then good. Maybe in time we can be friends, but for now we are just a time bom doing damage to each other. Thank you all again

 

[Olivia2016]

This sounds horrible. Am I getting this right? He kicked you out with your baby girl, and you are still...

From what I learned about PTSD, an ultimatum is the worst thing that can be done to a PTSD sufferer. That will definitely send him into further trouble and complicate the relationship that is already troubled.

 

[Mallaky]

From what I learned about PTSD, an ultimatum is the worst thing that can be done to a PTSD sufferer....

I disagree mildly. I benefited greatly from it and I have read about many who did too. Its a tool and a good one when others have failed. Its a last resort kind of thing for a rock-bottom situation. If and what a rock-bottom situation is people have to decide for themselves.