Childhood Is Body Shaming A Form Of Grooming?

[shimmerz]

there's the 'repairing that damage' task on top of that, you know?

Yes, Ragdoll, and the seemingly endless stages in between.

Fadeaway, I actually had a friend who wore kids shoes due to small feet (I am a size 10 and rarely find good looking shoes and can DEFINITELY not wear flats without looking like a clown). I so envied the fact that she could wear so many shoes that I couldn't.... *heavy sigh*

So, if you can't seem to see it through, would you mind if I loved your feet for now, until you can manage?

 

[hodge]

I'm another one!...
so that I was grateful he saw me as special and wanted to help me with my special burden.

Exactly how I felt. I went to therapy during this period of my life and told my therapist about him. She reinforced my feeling that I just desperately needed a father in my life, which because of the sex, he was NOT. She gave me the strength to get into his car one day after school and tell him that. That I never wanted to see him again. I told him I had wanted him to be a father to me and my brother, and he wasn't. I don't care what all else nice things he did for us. Giving me drugs and alcohol and getting me to have sex with him was not worth the good things he did for us. He still came around for a few years after that, but I was never nice to him, just civil.

 

[Powder]

My abuser didn't do this. Maybe I can be grateful for that? I have no idea.

He used threat of death. PTSD, I'm confused about because was it the rapes or the death threats combined? Guns and ammo. He'd cock a shotgun and carry it in as if deciding to rape or murder us. Not insults. I realized after a while it was a fear tactic. It made me dissociate the whole thing.

But he did the buying me things and acting "fake nice" after which I found confusing. I distrusted it and wanted to be treated like a daughter at the same time. I wanted to be treated like a daughter right up until I had flashbacks and couldn't stand having any relationship at all anymore. Cut all ties.

I recall being given chocolate, sticker, maple bar doughnuts, a doll, and strawberries on waffles with whipped cream. Most of these were in the same time as the abuse, but some were the next day or the same week. It made me feel anger when I realized the pattern, that this was connected, and not a genuine thing. I was splitting Good Dad/Bad Dad, but eventually, I figured out Good Dad was actually the same and therefore, bad.

Never not be afraid.

 

[Lionheart]

I don't use the word hate very often, but I do hate what the abuse perps did to me, to you, to us!!! Totally cruel and sick behavior.

I am learning to let go of the lies and the shame although I may never be totally happy and confident about my body, I will not carry this extreme and painful past into my future with me any longer...I am done!!!

I was an innocent and beautiful child and I am a loving and attractive man, deserving of love and happiness, so there abuse perps stick that where the sun don't shine!!!

 

[katz]

I happened to find this thread, and I can't tell everyone how much this has helped me! To find out that all of these things were part of my grooming process. As I read the notes, I could already see all the signs that this is exactly what happened to me. I have in my phone a list that I had made a few years ago. It was a few questions that I was going to ask him. I had started to keep track of what he did not like. I decided that I would ask him if there was anything about me that he did like.
I have a list of times when he told me that I was too thin, another time I was too heavy, even his telling me that I was not active enough (he lives an hour away) One time I will always cherish is when I finally realized how little I cared about him and what he thought. I decided to do an experiment on him. I asked him how he liked my hair that day. He said that I should get it cut/styled. I saw him a week later, and asked him again. He told me that it looked "much better"--I had not done a thing to it!! No cut, no color-nothing!

I laughed inside at him for days!! I have started watching him and the way he treats me. I watch how he looks at me and how he speaks to me. I can see him turn away from me and his eyes glaze over when I start to talk--to anybody in the room.

I also think that he is starting to see that the tables have turned. He doesn't want to hug me goodbye or even move toward me. I think that he can see my strength now. I have always said that my anger inside can be turned to strength outside. I used to say how much I would pity the man who would try to hurt me, because I would turn all this inner anger on them.

When I'm around him now, he stays away--at arms length. He will hardly even make eye contact from across the room. I think that he is trying to make some points with the "big guy" before he goes. He is 90 years old. Although, he looks and acts like his lower eighties. I will always stay like this , when I'm with the family (keep things polite) But I always remind myself that someday will be his judgement day.

I could never understand why I would always be so concerned for him. I would often find things and the first thing that I would think is if he would like it. I would plan to bring a dessert to a family event and base my decision on if he would like it or if it is his favorite. I have been so angry at myself for this because it seems to be so stupid for me to feel this way after what he did to me. Sadly, I think that he just groomed me so well, that I didn't know how to recognize it.

 

[Sideways]

@katz
"You're a shithead."

Okay, first, you're not a shithead. Not even a little bit. To the contrary, that post you just wrote was insightful, profound, deeply moving, and incredibly inspiring.

But whatever reaction you first had to the statement - think about how that was just a few words on the screen from a complete stranger, whose opinion of you means absolutely zilch in the scheme of things. Criticism, in any form, is so immensely powerful. And the first thought we have is too often, "omg, there's something wrong with me", even though usually, there's actually something wrong with the person that's handing out the criticism.

We all have so much negative self-talk going on. But this mongrel, handing out criticism to you like lollies, has been psychologically beating you up with this, and you feel stupid and angry at yourself???

Please (pleeease) try and go easy on yourself. It's really hard to cop criticism from anyone, let alone constant criticism from someone who is important in your life. There is nothing stupid about your reaction. The only person you need to be angry at is the mongrel who said all these atrocious things to you.

I don't do hugs often, but hugs if you accept:hug:
And thank you for that post - v powerful to read:)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow lights are going on inside of my head. I am remembering my grooming and being isolated in the family and apart from my family. Both of my parents criicized my appearance etc and humilating jokes at my expense in front of others.

I had a good/bad dad and a bitch of a mother. They were an evil team together. It was not just me that they did this stuff to my sibs got it too.

I very clearly remember the day that my dad told me I would never be pretty. Feeling a lot of anger at him right now.

 

[katz]

@katz
"You're a shithead."

Okay, first, you're not a shithead. Not even a...

Hmmmmm. Interesting comment.

 

[RussH]

Hmmmmm. Interesting comment.

I read the post and contextually it is not a personal attack, but an attention getting statement making the valid point that the negative opinion of an internet stranger does not matter.

 

[Sideways]

@RussH - yeah, and I'm a bit sad if the rest of the post got missed, because the stuff I said in the rest of the post was genuine. If that wasn't clear, I'm sorry it was misunderstood..:(

 

[katz]

Yes. I understand what you were getting across. And, yes. I read the whole note. I just felt that it was an interesting way to start/continue a conversation.

 

[hodge]

I happened to find this thread, and I can't tell everyone how much this has helped me! To find out that al...

That is one of the things that is so insidious about this kind of behavior -- that they get to us before we are even capable of even beginning to understand what is going on. I am so grateful that you recognized it when you did.