Is Forgiveness Really Necessary?

[Uwaro]

I have absolutely no anger or resentment surrounding some of my traumas. I also don't forgive the people involved.

I know I'm responding to myself, here, but I also felt the need to point out that -at least for me- the inverse is true as well. There are people I both forgave -fully & completely- in the dang moment, as well as those for whom no forgiveness was needed. That doesn't mean the traumas still didn't f*ck me up. It also didn't mean I wasn't -or was never- angry. It's just not as simple as forgive = move on & don't forgive = don't move on.

As a case in point I was gang raped a few times by some blokes who had as little choice in being there, as I did. Totally not their fault, I've never been angry at them, and if forgiveness was ever needed? Which is arguable, in the first place... Granted. Poor damn kids. Hell. Poor damn anyone, a few were older. But most of them were teenagers at best. Rape a chick or get shot, cut down, or worse? I feel worse for them, than I do me. That kind of shit seriously f*cks you up. Did my best at the time to let them know all was forgiven, or no forgiveness necessary, without putting them in a harder position than they already were. And sometimes my 'best' seriously fell short, as I was busy with other things at the time. So I can't even salve my soul with knowing they knew, although I can hope. But still. Just a seriously f*cked up, hard, difficult situation.

It was far easier to 'get over' the rapes I didn't and do not forgive. Possibly in part because they're simpler. Shrug.

Forgiveness isn't what let me move on. Lack of forgiveness isn't what kept me stuck. And neither has anything to do with the price of tea in china concerning my anger issues. One of the very few benefits to having complex trauma? That I DO have all these different situations and events to be able to compare and contrast. I can look at how I responded to different things, in different ways, and why, and what those results have been.

 

[Ujoda]

Moving on-for me-is a case of accepting terrible things happened to me, but they're not a "normal" part of life. They were aberrations, they're not common or accepted behaviours. They're something I *can* feel angry and bitter about, but they are in my past. As much as they affect me mentally, I accept that those abuses are over and done with. They're not occurring now, I am in a good place in my life and the people I have surrounded myself with would never do those things.

Sure, sometimes I slip, and my life gets awful for a few days or a week, but I can always call to my more logical side to help me crawl back out. Constructive dissociation? Knowing that what I'm feeling isn't true, isn't right, and that it's baseless helps me recenter myself and start climbing back up.

These things will always be a part of my life. They're part of why I made some of the decisions I did, and how I ended up where I am now-which might have been a very rough trip-but it's a good place to be. Could I have been in a better place? Maybe..but I will never know and it doesn't matter. This is where I am.

As I type I wonder if that may be part of it: letting go of what could have been. Realizing that that is already gone, we are in what IS, and what MIGHT HAVE BEEN is unattainable and only brings us misery by wishing for it.

Our lives are what they are, we don't have a time machine, so instead, we need to look to our actual present, not the ones we wish we were living. To want what we can't have only breeds resentment and bitterness. To continue to look at the past as a cause rather than dealing with the now makes us forget that we are in the now, and we need to act on it, instead of letting the past eat us alive with "might have been".

 

[Take]

Maybe cuz the "abuses" are - to some degree - continuing is why I can't "move on" .. I'm having to re-assert "boundaries" REPEATEDLY and always with rejection and disbelief from the "abusers" as if I'm just being unforgiving. But I'm just not HEALTHY when they are constantly in my space/world/life etc. I'm susceptible still to their manipulation tactics and rewriting of history, so it's like I turn back into a little girl with them and let them walk all over me, and then feel GUILTY all the time if I try to stand my own ground as if I'm being that "bad little girl" again and again and again.

And I'm friggin in my 40's!! :(

I feel like it's ridiculous and all so unnecessary .. and if I let them close to me, there is always MORE *stuff* that ends up having to be "forgiven" .. it's like there is never NOT an offense involved. So I just can't be near them AT ALL right now (ever again?) .. and yet I feel like it's a failing on MY part to OWN MY OWN CENTER .. stand my ground, or something.

I am assertive and even take charge in EVERY OTHER area of my life, except THIS one. (What is this strange POWER they have over me?? and why can't I be free of it?!) Somewhere in my spirit it's all just so disgusting that I have to be viewed as the "bad one" (the bad daughter, the bad sister, the black sheep, etc.) when THEY were bad TO me, and still are .. That part of me that WANTS them to love me or think well of me keeps trying to take me over to WIN their affection as if that will magically make everything better. The rational part of me that KNOWS better is constantly at war within myself over the perceived (and utter) WEAKNESS! (powerlessness?) to be a damn GROWN UP in the situation. :(

Forgive the past? Yes, ok, I get that. But when the "abuse" is in some ways CONTINUING?! .. ugh. How to keep away from that, or rightly combat that, and WITHOUT getting BITTER over the whole thing. Just be ok with it? It is what it is? It's DISGUSTING!!!

THEY should know better. THEY should be better. They aren't .. so leave me the hell alone! (And "to hell" with the GUILT I feel gets forced on me for even having to take that kind of stance. :( )

 

[Cikovod]

I have not read the response to your post so I am responding to your question solely.

No.

I can't understand why forgiveness is pitched as a one size fits all means of healing. Nothing is ever that black and white. If you were a surviving family member of one of Jeffery Dahmer's victims and you stated you would never forgive him most, if not all, would say that's ok. You would likely never hear you need to forgive that monster. I think some "advice", suggestions, guidelines, methods, etc. are geared toward making others around us comfortable with the ugliness we have to live with. You don't owe anyone your forgiveness. That's why it's ~your~ forgiveness.

 

[Siti]

"If saying "let go" or "forgive" actually worked with trauma? We wouldn't have PTSD." (from post 24)... Uh Woah there.

Since PTSD is an INJURY - completely disagree.

 

[Zamen]

Ugh same thing for this in post #19: "... They wouldn't have PTSD. In that case, the advice is worthless and harmful because it demonstrates a combination of a lack of empathy as well as ignorance about PTSD.". Disagree completely because PTSD injured brains CAN make new neuro connections in varying degrees with effort and determination.

 

[Alav]

When I was in therapy, forgiveness only came up once. I explained my thoughts on it to my therapist and he nodded and we moved on. My thoughts on it haven't changed since then.

I often have to reframe concepts to make good use of them. People talk about "giving forgiveness" or "getting closure" but they aren't necessarily things to be given to or gotten from other people - they are things you can give yourself, if and when it's beneficial to you. They don't require the involvement, consent or cooperation of anyone else. In cases like this, forgiveness and closure can and should be selfish actions. For me, "forgiving" my father was really just the process of demoting his importance from the locus of all that pain, to an absolute non-entity. As others have said in previous comments: indifference.

It's a tool. Early on, actively blaming my father drove me to keep progressing. The anger motivated me. But at a certain point, those emotions were no longer useful motivators, and were only taking up precious emotional energy that was best focused elsewhere. Forgiveness let me refocus. It doesn't change facts, he was still just as responsible as he ever was, but it did change where I focused my energy and minimized the time spent on rolling those facts around in my head.

But I think it's only beneficial if you're ready for it, and even then it might not be useful to someone. Trying to reach that point before I was truly ready to stop focusing on the trauma and direct my full attention to the effects could have been damaging because before that, I was still trying to overcome the idea that this was somehow my fault.

So yeah, a different definition of forgiveness (and the process of it) than many would think of, perhaps, but it works for me.

 

[Ugiho]

I forgave both my childhood molester/ abuser and my adult boyfriend/ rapist, but I would not leave myself open to any kind of relationship with these persons in the future. And by "forgave" I mean that I made the decision to not feel bitter about it any longer, even though it ruined a lot of my life and gave me CPTSD. I don't often think about it any more now, whereas I used to think about it a lot. For me, that was great progress. This took work and it took time. As to moving on, I moved alright, like 600 miles away! That helped a lot. But I know, not everyone can do that. It takes guts to start a whole new life. Also, when I moved, I did so "blind." I had never seen the place I was moving to. I knew only one person there and that person hurt me, so I receded from them too and so I really knew NO ONE where I moved to. Eventually I made friends and made a new life for myself. Now I am well established, happy and looking forward to my future.

 

[Ebin]

Before I was aware how poorly I'd been treated, or consciously aware, I read some book by Emerson while he was searching for ways to make a life that was less contrite. I doubt he'd put use the same adjective. He mentioned a form of forgiveness by reducing the tawdry details and pot boilers by saying, 'There's nothing to forgive' (i.e. there is a place in life where people happen by a poor or bad decision), as in these guys pulling me back through a windshield, then somehow covering it up and denying me help, on and on.
This idea seemed to work on small stuff, but never felt right, neither before I fully understood nor after I combed through the lousy treatment from these fellas. That's decades later, while my mind took quite the sweet time in breaking through to the details. I don't know if that helps. All I can say that of the people who were willing to help me recall and understand 40 years since the wreck, the driver wasn't one of them.
In short I couldn't say for sure, other then pidgin holing the 17 year olds as people with foibles and one in particular where the whole family explains a lot about his crumby behavior. Seems it becomes laborious the flesh out the problems of people who cared less about me, but neither is stewing in the negative for, what maybe too long to be healthy. Trying to draw some humanity from the driver was where I lost time to a meaningless pursuit. Good Luck As Always, N

 

[Ibujig]

When I was in therapy, forgiveness only came up once. I explained my thoughts on it to my therapist and he nodded and we...

You stated this opinion in so much more a concise and relatable way. Didn't notice your response until I'd posted. Guess I'll have to be more thorough.

 

[Efev]

I was a child too young to know what was going on but later realized a normal healthy childhood was taken from me. I was a young woman and didn't realize that a normal married life was robbed, stolen from me because of what happened to me as a child. Forgive 48 years - biologically the best years of my life!! Two died before I felt I could forgive (my parents) that was easy on me. then I just hoped the other two would pass as well. These other two - hugely narscisstic would not feel anything by my forgiveness. It took years of therapy to realize it's true what is said about foregiveness - it's a freeing experience - frees you from the past. It's like saying I am moving on. You don't get another 48 years to be in my thoughts and to affect my future decisions whether to have fun, go places, be with people I enjoy. You are no longer present. It's the past and I am saying to you - all of this now what you do - your future is not because of me - I let you go. There are I believe different levels of forgiveness. You can simply say it and as life goes on -- each year passes it may feel deeper to you. Or you may not say it in words but in actions it's obvious between the two - forgiveness occurred. For me. I forgave but I never want to see either one of these people. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. I still feel anger from time to time especially as I age alone. trusting a person who would now have 50+ years behind them I would not phathom what those years were like ....and I might be dating and have to trust? For me that's a lot to handle. Then there is this small thing about body memory- My body remembers positions - I seem to sabotage any relationship when the person wants to meet after connecting by emails and phone calls. There I am giving excuses not too. That is were I am at now. Living alone and accepting it. Getting back to forgiving---I am happy to have told the two I forgave them. Something they encountered as a child made them do those things. I don't think people enjoy hurting others. They need professional help - they may suffer mentally like from narcissism and not ever be able to accept help. But I do feel sorry for the people who come into their lives in the future - it's like I want to warn them.

 

[Benid]

A few days ago, an old therapist contacted me and we just chatted about life. When I ran a business, she worked for me, s...

A therapist said that? Would you not think that it is presumptuous of anyone to tell someone how they should feel?

I would most certainly give that T an earful. A good therapist allows the victim to concentrate on their own well being, not what they should do additionally for the perpetrator.

Your T in essence is asking you to additionally spend time, your valuable time to force yourself to not only think about the abuser but also to spend time finding forgiveness for that person.

I think what your T is asking is morally wrong.

I would looooove to explain to your T that only mistakes need to be forgiven. Cruel abuse, morally wrong harassment, deadly threats and deadly abusive behavior is committed by a person that intentionally does such things. How on earth could your T expect you to just say: oh, o.k. you poor little pedophile, you poor little criminal, I guess I have to forgive because society expects such idiotic behavior.

It is a good thing I do not know your T. I would jump at that person's throat.