A few days ago, an old therapist contacted me and we just chatted about life. When I ran a business, she worked for me, s...
I am so sick of hearing that if one forgives that it is a guaranteed cure for one to heal from trauma. This blanketed-myth has been handed down from generation to generation and it has proven to not be of benefit to most victims. First of all, we are told this by family, friends, acquaintances, religious figures,and even mental health professionals that forgiveness is the only and most effective remedy in moving forward in life and letting go of the pain. Might, I add, forgiveness doesn't not work for everyone and it surely doesn't work for me and never has. I replaced forgiving my abusers or anyone who has done significantly harm to me, by distancing myself and basically ignoring them. With my situation, I live nearly 400 miles away from my tormentors (family members) who did the most harm to me and I don't phone, email or communicate with them, particularly my parents. However, I do remain in contact by phone to my grandmother maybe once a month to let her know that I am okay, so that she can pass on the information other members of the family. I haven't been back to my home state in many years nor have any of my relatives come to visit me because they aren't welcomed, and they are aware of it. I found distancing myself by living a great distance has positively replaced forgiveness for me in which I am able to mentally and emotionally function better than having any type of communication or connection with them. Forgiving, from a traditional standpoint, I detest that word and everything I hear it I want to scream because I know it won't do nothing for me on a psychological and emotional level. A major problem that I have with forgiveness is that it is typically a cover-up for reconciliation, and I assumed that forgiveness and reconciliation are different, but not in the minds of most people. Also, might I add, one will never forget their traumatic experience because it is a part of you that represents past experiences, and why should you forget? There's a legitimate reason that trauma victims never forget their abuse: a plausible reason is "Survival",and it serve as a safety reminder to not do something or put yourself in a dangerous situation that caused you discomfort in the past. Although traumatic memories can be a lot to handle and can interfere with someone's daily functioning, it doesn't have to be if they view those memories as protection and survival. These memories don't have to be crippling for the individual rather they can strengthen them on an emotional and psychological level. That's how I was able to make a positive transformation by focusing on the positive side as a safety control, might I add. And, no, I didn't get this technique from a mental health professional because I have never received mental health services ever in my life. I created my own sense of healing in by eliminating any thought of forgiveness or reconciliation. I don't know your situation or if you live within close-proximity of your abusers because that can surely be a problem, as they will continue to nag and bother you, and make you feel guilty for not wanting to have anything to do with them. I don't want to tell you how to run your life because I believe you will figure this out and do what benefits you the most. It sounds like you are on the right track because you were brave enough to question the validity of forgivenness; it's apparent that you sense something is very unethical about it, and it really doesn't add up or does nothing positive for victims. In my opinion, if anything it further cripples them in which they have given in to their abuser in which victims in most cases are coerced into forgiving their abusers. Also, it keeps them within proximity of their abusers so that they can continue the abusive tirades in which there are hardly any expectations of the abuser. The burden of forgiveness is typically placed on the shoulder of the victims, not the abuser, and the abusers take advantage of this nonsense. One more thing I might add on blanket-forgiveness, people believe in the power of forgiveness because they have been brainwashed into believing that it works, and also that others say it work. In particular, scientific studies, and religious figures further strengthen the validity and power stamp of forgiveness, and people believe that it has to legitimate and believe that it will work for them.
