General Is Guilt A Symptom?

[Mrs. T]

Wow little bear. Your response was enlightening and scarey, because it seems to make perfect sense for H.

He is hypervigilant 24/7. He was telling me the other day that he can see an accident before it happens. If he sees it and hadn't prevented it, he blames himself for not preventing it, because he knows (or thinks) he could have. This is any accident from spilled milk to something more serious. Don't know if he feels guilty for spilled milk, but I do know it gives him great stress. Often if something is spilled when he's around, I jump to clean it, because I know how much stress it causes him.

When I met H he told me that before he met me, he didn't think he could love anyone equal or more then he loved his mom. He loves and cares for his mom so much that I fear what would happen if something were to happen to her. She is getting old and she is not well (I wonder if ptsd has taken hold of her life, as she was also at the hands of her husband). If something ever happened to her, I fear I will lose him as well (either mentally or physically). Same for if something happened to our boys or I.

In this way, this burden he carries, scares me...a lot.

I honestly believe that if he can let go of his fears of loss and his guilt, that he would be at least 50% healthier. But that in itself, seems like it would be a miracle...

 

[LittleBear]

If he does gain control of this please let me know how y'all did it. I've lived with the crippling anxiety of loss of loved ones and preventing or fixing problems since my Mom's death when I was sixteen. I have full blown panic/terror attacks when faced with the possibility of losing someone. It is indeed crippling and the guilt is a symptom. Best wishes for your family.:)

 

[Mrs. T]

Thank you so much little bear. You and H deserve a life so much more full then the one you're now living. Pls, if you find a way out of this crippling burden, tell me how you did it. It pains me to see H so burdened. Wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. We will do the same.

I am actually seriously considering going to school to study about ptsd, maybe I can have a better understanding and be a better support to H and maybe even some of his family...

 

[Tinyflame]

I've had lots of deaths since age 4,, can only say (now) what helps is being in the moment, and praying to have the strength for (ehatever) comes- that seems to break up the worst-case scenario thoughts.

 

[LittleBear]

Praying does help but recently nothing seems to help the guilt and severe panic; not even the meds. The psych switched me to a generic Prozac and it hasn't helped one bit. I am starting into a full blown attack right now so I gotta go. Mrs T...does your H have anxiety attacks? gotta go.

 

[Mrs. T]

Littlebear. I hope you are feeling better then you did when you last posted.

H does have anxiety attacks, but this is new. He has gone through stages of different thingssince I have known him. He is a very clean and neat guy, but he went through a stage where I honestly wondered if he was ocd. He seems to be better about that.

The anxiety attacks he has had perhaps since our son had a really bad fall which H blames himself for. Our son is fine now, but there was a short time when he was lifeless (unconscious) and we thought we lost him. And then when he seizured after waking, we didn't know what that was. H tried stopping the fall but our son slipped through his hands when H's back snapped (has an awful back). This was in the summer (2011), and H has not forgiven himself.

The attacks have forsure been worse since he was diagnosed with ptsd and started taking meds (a couple months after the accident). I don't know which one of those started the attacks.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thanks Junebug. I know H has had many losses in his life and I don't think he deals with the losses well. I think he shoves them into his past. :(

 

[sea]

Guilt can be a symptom of trauma & remorse (Survivor's guilt is one we hear about a lot) and as trauma is inherently part of PTSD, it can manifest with PTSD. However I would wonder, at your husband's EXTREME level of guilt (over non-extreme events), whether or not he might actually have some sort of physical issue? Has he ever been medically checked out?

Thyroid and B12 can cause MAJOR guilt & depression issues. Mine have eased up a lot since I began taking B12 regularly as I had a severe deficiency in some major vitamins which caused all sorts of emotional haywire (I also have a thiamine deficiency which acts sort of like Korsakoff's, which can be caused by drinking problems - and thiamine is linked to increased emotional symptoms as well, that's vitamin B in general).

Anyway, I am still very guilty over things that have happened in my past, but it is different than the way it was with the deficiency. It's hard to precisely explain, but with my trauma, the guilt makes a certain amount of sense. With the deficiency, it made NO SENSE. I was guilty about EVERYTHING. ALL the time. I'm still undergoing replacement & treatment so it's still off and on, it's super harsh.

I know I often throw diagnoses at people that sound a little out there or unwarranted but having experienced this myself as well as having PTSD I would def urge any severe mood symptoms like that to be medically checked out just in case there is something that can medically be done. Diet and nutrition often go neglected (or are even co-morbidly disordered) with PTSD which can have severe negative consequences on mood etc as well.

It's all really related, and hard to tell, just thought I'd bring up a more physical aspect of the Guilt problem because it definitely exists.

 

[Mrs. T]

That's very interesting sea. I will definitely look into that. Before we knew his physical pains were related to his mental health, we saw many drs including a naturalpath. Spent a ton of money on all the drs and tests, with results saying H was perfectly healthy. He has had a few stress related problems that have been dealt with, but many physical pains with no explanation. Anyways, point is, I have lost track of what has been tested for. Thank you for the suggestion.

This evening a friend of his called and wanted to come over. He didn't want him to come over, so he said he was going out. His friend said, "cool, I'll meet you there." He didn't want to go out, but now he's out because he couldn't tell his friend that he was tired and not feeling well. I asked him why he couldn't nicely turn down his friend. He said it was because of what he's going through. I told him I didn't understand. He explained and it made sense. My questions bothered him and he said he was sorry for not being a better husband. I tried to tell him not to apologize, but he kept saying sorry.

I finally seemed to get through to him that I have no regrets about anything to do with him. Told him he had nothing to apologize for as he has done nothing wrong. I also explained that I only ask questions because I want to better understand what he is going through so I can support him better. Emphasized that there is no other reason for my questions.

The topic of his ptsd and any questions I have cause a lot of stress for him and he begins his apologies. I rarely enter the topic. How can I help him understand that I have no regrets in being with him even though he has ptsd, that he is a good father. I want to sit down and explain these things. I need him to really know that he is worth it. I don't know how to approach this. But I'm also beginning to understand that this may be a much bigger thing then I thought. Will my words help at all? Do I just need to keep reminding him??

I do hope this guilt can at least be relieved a little by some medical or diet change.

 

[Tinyflame]

Mrs T, I know your words help, I think words either help or hurt, they are rarely neutral.
I think reinforcing he is a good person might help. Also to try to just have some stress-free (as possible) time together. Be relaxed yourself when he is anxious, that will help.

I once heard, "I wouldn't want to be in Heaven if you weren't in it!" I thought that was sweet.
It made an impression. I hope you find the words that make an impression also.

(((((((Mrs T))))))))))

 

[Mrs. T]

Thank you. I hope I do find the words that make an impression. I'm afraid that the things I say will just be shrugged off with the excuse of, "what else is she meant to say?". As if its just an assumption that I will say nice things. Not necessarily believed as the truth.

Thanks for the tips. I keep wondering if I'm saying or doing the right thing. If I told H that I'm thinking and wondering about these things, I know it would for sure make him feel bad...

 

[Tinyflame]

Well he doesn't have to know Mrs T.
Just be short, salient, honest and from the heart. Most of all be yourself! He loves and married you, perhaps he will always just be hugely grateful for that and you, even if he doesn't think he can make up for what he's done.
I imagine he feels the ptsd is very self-limiting, for him.

Just have more good times together. And when he sees you happy, and the kids happy, he will start to relax more.
(((((Hugs to you all))))