Relationship Is He Afraid Of What We Have?

[sthrngirl]

I have been dating a man with PTSD for about 6 months now. Things were very rough in the beginning, because I obviously had NO idea what I was getting myself into. I have learned a lot and I am now use to not texting/talking constantly and some days not talking at all, that does not bother me anymore, it is the way he is and I am fine with that.

But by this long in a relationship, I am wondering where we stand. He very rarely talks about "us" or about any feelings what-so-ever. I know I love him and care for him very much but I know I am not ready to tell him that because I have no idea where he sees it. I know I know, I should probably just up and ask right? He doesn't really hold my hand in public unless I go for it first and it makes me feel kind of awkward. I feel like he should put effort in as well.

When he upsets me or makes me angry, he never apologizes, but he will say something funny or show me something to make me laugh, which it seems he only does when he has done something "wrong" and I am not sure if this is just his form of an apology or what. He always thinks he is right and as if my opinion is wrong etc etc. When I describe him, he sounds like just a plain ole jerk, I am very aware of this and he definitely does have his jerk moments, more so than not, even tho I hate to admit that.

I know very little of what has caused his PTSD, but he has taught me a bit as far as his boundaries and I know I am very respectful of him and what not, yet I still feel like I am never appreciated. I also feel that I let things slide just because I don't want to upset him or cause any confrontation between us because when their is confrontation, it just is not pretty and besides, I am not a confrontational person in the first place.

He has told me why his past relationships have failed and what he does not like etc etc and I feel that I am a great girlfriend, in fact I know I am very good to him so it confuses me why I don't feel the mutual part of it from him. It makes me wonder if he does indeed feel the same as I do and is scared of it or what. He has always been straight forward and tells it like it is and if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't and we are together so I assume he wants to be with me, but why treat me so unfair sometimes? It seems I always have a huge invisible question mark above my head when I try to wrap my own mind around it.

So with all that being said, please, ANY advice would be helpful and so grateful. From a sufferer, supporter, whomever! I appreciate the advice in advance and wish any of you struggling the best of luck!

 

[WillyKat]

I'm not sure I can answer your question, but I do have a couple of thoughts.

Those of us with PTSD have a hard time seeing that anything good will last long. I think it might have something to do with how hard it is to trust. Especially for those of us where the trauma involved an abuse of trust...very hard to trust again, and even when we do trust, there's that little voice telling us to watch our backs.

We also have a hard time expressing our feelings, or even knowing that we have feelings. We bottle everything up, even the good stuff. And if we're asked, often we don't know what to do.

All that puts you in a tough situation. It's kind of a crap sandwich.

I hope there's something helpful in there.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I am not sure what to tell you because it will probably seem negative to you. But, based only on my experience, your guy sounds a lot like my ex. The only reassurance you will probably get is in very small ways, he initiates a hug or holding hands or a smile. They usually do not like to discuss relationship stuff. My guy would only when I initiated it, even then he would end it as quickly as possible.

I don't think your sufferer is a jerk, but emotions are hard for them. Admitting them, showing them, giving reassurance was hard. And if/ when that happened, it was usually followed by an isolation episode. PTSD relationships are hard and you may try to as hard as you can to be respectful and "good" to or for him, you will more than likely not get shown appreciation for that. PTSD does not jive with our normal instincts. Our "normal" doesn't jive with the average PTSD brain. He may not be aware that you try or go out of your way to make things easier for him.

In my opinion, get over the fear of initiating or bringing up topics or actions. Without enough communication, you will feel unappreciated and confused most of the time and he won't know that till you blow and will probably be blind-sided. Just my opinion.

Read as much as you can about PTSD and talk to him about it. Don't be afraid to ask your questions and communicate!! But, you cannot expect this relationship to follow traditional patterns or timelines. I wish you the best. PTSD relationships are not for the weak.

 

[sthrngirl]

Thank you both and I agree with all said! He has told me the way he thinks at times and it is definitely not the "average" way I would think.

I have asked if he cares about me and he never had an answer, he just looked at me. I was very hurt and just left his house basically. Nothing was ever said about it but he texted me very short after with some random crap joke or something, I can't remember 100% details of that. Those are the things that confuse me, his random ways of communication. There is never a phone call or a simple "hey" text. It is always very random and usually a very short conversation but at that point I'm just glad to hear from him at all in that day.

It definitely is hard and not for everyone which is why I prefer advice from here and people who have experience.

I have been hurt in the past and I have trust issues as well, but I started my life over and he was a big part in my "new" life so learning to trust again has been a journey, for sure. Especially difficult seeing as how little we communicate. I still have a lot to learn but I'm willing to do what it takes to make it work and give him a little hope that not everyone is there to hurt or disappoint him.