Relationship Is He Pushing Me Away to Protect Me?

[pstdwife]

She Cat,

The one day that he was being very open with me he told me his therapist thinks he suffering from PSTD and that they are exploring this. But no, I have not nor can not get an official diagnosis out of him because he is not willing to get one himself or if he has, he won't share this with me. His therapist is working on meditation with him. She has a specialty in anxiety but her model is about helping people "self discover" and I don't know if she's equipped to even officially diagnose him. I was turned on to this site when researching PSTD after he shared this with me and all of the information on the home pages was dead on with the behavior I experienced and witnessed. Now reading the Carer pages, it's as if I'm reading my own stories at times.

I was emailing with someone who did not have an official diagnosis and he learned through navigating and reading on this site what was wrong with him and sought a diagnosis after being informed here. By listening and learning through this forum, reading up on everything about PTSD and experiencing what I am going through with him I can not help but put the two together.

I am seeing his therapist with him next week and will ask if there has been an official diagnosis.

 

[Cin]

PTSDwife,

Your situation has been playing on my mind a bit, I finally worked out why.

I blurted out one day, Christmas day of all days, that I didn't want to be married to my husband any more and that I didn't love him. He was blind sided. I had lived in turmoil over it for 12 months and he had no idea. Maybe your husband is saying what he is saying because of PTSD, but maybe he is saying it because, like me, he really doesn't want to be in the marriage any more.

It's just a thought.

 

[anni]

You're a very kind plus insightful person, it seems. It has to be hard to seperate this ability you seem to have to view his behaviour from a completely rational, almost cliinical perspective with your emotional ties. One is telling you the absolute facts while the other is trying to reconcile this collection of hurtful behaviour with hope that somehow, somewhere, it's all related to the PTSD and therefore eventually can be controlled. Then you can have the husband back who love. It's not an unreasonable hope because no hope is unreasonable, I think. His unspoken demands that you maintain your hope in the face of of absolutely no efforts on his part, diagnosis or not, does seem rather unreasonable, though.

Please don't feel I'm at all arguing with you, or doing anything but wishing you very, very well. Even if the PTSD diagnosis is solid, he really isn't going to begin his healing jouney until he just plain stops spreading the pain around. I've been at the other end of someone who battered me quite literally. He was also a control freak who played the emotional battering game. His 'reason' was because he was an alcoholic. 'It' MADE him do all the things he did. I'm just saying that PTSD doen't 'make' people jerk you around, have cyber affairs, or leave a marriage in a baffling and hurtful manner. It might be a dandy 'reason' but it's not at all an excuse.

You're a good, bright, capable and insightful person who is gving 150 percent at the moment. He has to get his contribution up to maybe 3 percent or so to even begin to deserve your kind of caring at the moment, that's all. Gosh yes it's terribly painful, and please know I admire your strength.

Do take care, and please don't be annoyed if this doesn't appear to be helpful.

Anni

 

[amethist]

Hi PTSDwife

I have read all your posts on this thread, and every time I just see hurt and pain.

If this were a friend of yours and you were reading all of this, what would you honestly say to them. Could you honestly tell then to hang in there and stick with it, I doubt you would if you were totally honest.

If you take out all your emotions from all of this and just stand back, see the hurt and confusion he is causing you, from being in total denial and not taking responsibility for any of this. Maybe then you would be able to stand up, like so many have in the past and say to him, "You either get an accurate diagnosis, work on this properly and admit you have a problem, or I will not be around to take any more of this crap". It is not easy to do, no one will tell you it is, but how long do you go on being in his eyes only, the one who is at fault.

Maybe time to smell the roses, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I would have let him go sort this out alone.

Put yourself first not him, you deserved better, a lot better.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have to agree here. I think it's time to just walk away, and let him *discover himself* with his therapist. Sorry, but she sounds like she needs a therapist herself. Either that, or he isn't being honest with you about her ways in dealing with therapy either.

Yes, sometimes therapist do diagnose people with PTSD, but it's best to get a diagnosis from a qualified Psychiatrist.....JMHO!!!!!

 

[pstdwife]

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. This place has truly given me strength.

Yesterday I turned a corner. After he left every card I've ever written him and all of my loving words from our relationship behind for me to find, I stopped making excuses for his behavior and am finally beginning to differentiate this "new" man as someone I would never, ever consider having a relationship with. I believe he is incapable of being married. I believe he wants out of the marriage in order to lead a different life - more simple, less stress, which will be helpful for him. I struggle with how unfairly I've been treated on the way out and have not been given the chance to lead that life with him after many years of a loving relationship together. But I realize sufferers don't want anyone to help them heal if they truly feel they need their SPACE.

I'm seeing his therapist with him only to seek out answers about what he's going through in order to truly understand. I probably won't get the answers I'm looking for as she has certainly led him down a particular path of "self discovery." In therapy I'm going to share that he needs to be accountable for his actions for abandoning the marriage without EVER having one discussion about his unhappiness and without ever giving us a chance for work. (I believe he's actually blaming the marriage for his unhappiness rather than looking inward)
I'm going to remind him that he is cheating on me and because the "other woman" is suffering from cancer it does not make it any different. He has lied, cheated and abandoned his commitments.

I'm going to ask that he truly look inside himself and be honest about the reasons he's leaving instead of all the lies he's fed me. I don't expect to get honesty but at least I'll be able to voice my opinion. And then, I'm serving divorce papers.

Thank you for all the support and encouragement:)

 

[amethist]

I truly hope you can draw a line under all this after your meeting, unfortunately you may never the find the answers you are looking for. It will be hard for you, it will be heart breaking, but now you will be able to salvage your own piece of mind before he takes that from you too.

None of us on here like to see this happen, but it does too often. We can be here to help you through the aftermath of all this, I am sure Frankie and a few others will give you help and advice of how to keep going forward.

Don't get into a shouting match with them when you go, it won't be worth it. It sounds like this therapist has already convinced him that her way is "The Way", wont be a lot you can say if this is the case, as he will be convinced she knows best. If they do both start telling you how wrong "You" are, just calmly get up, walk out and leave them to their own illusions, or you may find they try and brain wash you into believing all her crap too.

Stay strong for you.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm sorry that you have had to face this, but glad that you are at least willing to let go, and move on. Yes, it will be difficult, and you will have hard times... BUT, you won't have to put up with the lies, and his unwillingness to put effort into the marriage....

I also doubt that you will get the truth, because I doubt he is being truthful with himself. Sometimes that takes a long time, before we can face that........Hang in there and be strong.....