Is it common for someone who was abused to become an abuser?

[Gs172003]

If so how common is it?

 

[bellbird]

I think it is quite common; many of us here had/have abusers who were themselves abused.
How common? I'm not sure.

The important thing is that it isn't an excuse.
For so many of us, we are determined to be the end of our chain of abuse; we refuse to go on to become abusers as ours did to us.

So there has to be something more, ie. abused does not = future abuser.
There is still a choice.

 

[Missycat]

Im not sure how common it is. Some abusers were not abused themselves as @bellbird says - its certainly not an excuse. Who knows why abusers abuse .... sometimes we may never know.

 

[somerandomguy]

I have heard of abused people being shunned by others because they assumed the abused person would become an abuser themselves. This is horrible and needlessly cruel. No doubt some abused people become abusers - but to assume they will is a huge injustice.

 

[shimmerz]

No, I think many of us abhor violence and abuse. Of course that is not a scientific fact. Not sure there is any study out there that can confirm or deny abuse by the abused. Not one that is reflective of the reality anyway,.

 

[Friday]

Squares and rectangles.

Nearly all abusers were victims of abuse.
All squares are rectangles.

But most victims of abuse do not go one to become abusers
But not all rectangles are squares.

***

I did, at one time, put my (hated despised loathed) statistics class to use and go pull up all the relevant data I could find to get a very very rough estimate. Because you read all the time that most abuse victims don’t go on to become abusive themselves, but I wanted to know if we were talking 51% or 99% or what??? What’s “most”? I’m not in the headspace to do that again right now... but my recollection of the results is apx 1/3 of the population has been abused, but only around 4% go on to become abusive.... IF my recollection is accurate (there are only 2 kinds of statistics, the kind you look up or make up :p).

4% still meets the qualification for “common”, however. ADHD is a 4% thing, for example, and is considered fairly common. To be uncommon, something has to generally be less than 1% of the population.

 

[Mach123]

I don't know about actual statistics if available. Yes it's common. I read Mike Lewis book and Judith Herman. I don't remember but I'm sure it was addressed. I think "is it common for someone who has been abused to become abusive" is another way to ask. Then, it's a matter of degree.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't know about actual statistics if available. Yes it's common. I read Mike Lewis book and Judith Herman. I don't remember but I'm sure it was addressed. I think "is it common for someone who has been abused to become abusive" is another way to ask. Then, it's a matter of degree.

What books are those?

 

[bellbird]

Squares and rectangles.

Alternative name: how awake is bellbird?
Conclusion: not very.

:hilarious:

 

[Mach123]

Mike Lew "victims no longer."
Judith Herman "Trauma and recovery"

 

[flowerapple]

This is actually something I wonder about myself, so I did some googling and this was what I found

Sad Legacy Of Abuse: The Search For Remedies
Do Sexually Abused Kids Become Abusers?

From what I read, it seems like it's not as common as people make it out to be, but I'll leave you to read it and see what you think.

 

[Friday]

No doubt some abused people become abusers - but to assume they will is a huge injustice.

I suspect there’s a lot of once bitten twice shy going on with this one.

I didn’t think twice about my ex husband’s abusive childhood... because the vast majority of damn fine men that I knew in the military had rough childhoods. Sweetest, kindest, most forward thinking parents I’ve ever known (my dad was an asshole and did XYZ, so with my kids, I have to come up with ways to not do xyz. Improvise, adapt, overcome. How not to be an asshole 101).

At the time of my marrying him? All the people who had been in abusive relationships themselves were super worried about his childhood meaning that he would be abusive to our kids. The people who hadn’t been in abusive relationships? The opposite.

And it was the exact same argument....
- Joe/Jane was abused as a kid, and I had to divorce him/her after we had kids.
- Mike/Michelle was abused as a kid, and is the best father/mother.
...because of their abusive childhood. It taught them how to be as parents.