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Nicolette
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General Is It Normal For The Sufferer To Isolate Themselves From Just You And Not Friends?
- Post starter Elric
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ashdawn8287
Platinum Member
You're welcome. If you need to talk or anything, I'm here. :)
NikkiGAPEACH1970
Bronze Member
Hi Eric, I can relate! Ladies speak the truth on this thread. My boyfriend who is stationed in the Army suffers from PTSD. I asked him why he isolates himself from me at times but continues contact with others. His response: I pose a threat to him because I know his weaknesses (PTSD). Others do not. Hang in there Eric you are not alone!
ChoctawWarrior
Bronze Member
(In reply to the title...)
Oh, yes- isolation from everyone is very normal. This is an "avoidance" symptom of PTSD. I do it, too. The reason I do it is because I find peace in distracting myself from stressful daily life by cutting off from the outside world and spending time alone. I don't dissociate on purpose though, really....I'm just so used to doing it.
I think I do it to protect myself from dealing with anything else, since I just "shut down"....by being alone or avoiding things, you can protect yourself and not have to deal with socializing, which is too much of a hassle sometimes. You can "escape to fantasy"- to a made-up world in your mind where only good things happen- and escape a harsh and/or stressful reality.
The problem is with us sufferers, is that we've had enough of reality's "cruelty", and want to live in our wonderful fantasies. We DO NOT do it to hurt our loved ones, we're protecting ourselves from more pain.
Oh, yes- isolation from everyone is very normal. This is an "avoidance" symptom of PTSD. I do it, too. The reason I do it is because I find peace in distracting myself from stressful daily life by cutting off from the outside world and spending time alone. I don't dissociate on purpose though, really....I'm just so used to doing it.
I think I do it to protect myself from dealing with anything else, since I just "shut down"....by being alone or avoiding things, you can protect yourself and not have to deal with socializing, which is too much of a hassle sometimes. You can "escape to fantasy"- to a made-up world in your mind where only good things happen- and escape a harsh and/or stressful reality.
The problem is with us sufferers, is that we've had enough of reality's "cruelty", and want to live in our wonderful fantasies. We DO NOT do it to hurt our loved ones, we're protecting ourselves from more pain.
ChoctawWarrior
Bronze Member
Oh, wait- I think I misread the title....she's isolating herself from ONLY you? Hmm...maybe you accidentally said or did something that triggered her....I'm not sure....you should ask her why she is isolating herself from only you and if you upset her in any way, and if you did then you're very sorry and that you love her and want to support her in any way you can, that you're always there for her.
In my opinion, it's better to know exactly what's going on than to just make yourself suffer by going through endless possibilities.
'Hope this helps! :happy: Sorry I misread the title the first time- but still, avoidance in general IS normal for PTSD sufferers....
In my opinion, it's better to know exactly what's going on than to just make yourself suffer by going through endless possibilities.
'Hope this helps! :happy: Sorry I misread the title the first time- but still, avoidance in general IS normal for PTSD sufferers....
- Post starter
- #18
Well, I'm just noticing that she seems to still have a lively correspondence with her friends on Facebook and occasionally goes out and socializes with them.
She *might* be isolating herself from other people, but I don't know if this is the case. I'm only basing this on what I've seen from her Facebook activity. We haven't spoken on the phone in over a month and she hasn't sent me a text message (or responded to mine) for the last two weeks.
From what I understand two things triggered this episode. She had some nightmares about the trauma, plus her ex boyfriend was sending her crazy text messages. Sadly, in an effort to end the negativity from her ex boyfriend, she allowed him back into her life, thus rewarding him for his awful behavior. Needless to say, I wasn't happy when I discovered this. :-/
She *might* be isolating herself from other people, but I don't know if this is the case. I'm only basing this on what I've seen from her Facebook activity. We haven't spoken on the phone in over a month and she hasn't sent me a text message (or responded to mine) for the last two weeks.
From what I understand two things triggered this episode. She had some nightmares about the trauma, plus her ex boyfriend was sending her crazy text messages. Sadly, in an effort to end the negativity from her ex boyfriend, she allowed him back into her life, thus rewarding him for his awful behavior. Needless to say, I wasn't happy when I discovered this. :-/
D
Deleted member 1860
Selective isolation? On yes. (It's taken me awhile to think about this one!)
Sometimes I universally isolate, and other times I selectively isolate. Which isn't really isolation per se, rather just pushing one person away (which is quite common with sufferers). I think if you view it in these terms you'll see posts made about it all the time rather than once every 3 years.
Unfortunately, it seems to be par for the course. (For sufferers that is.) You're thousands of miles away, so it's quite easy for her to ignore you because there's no risk of you showing up at her door.
I hope that things change. But, if she doesn't seek out some sort of help, the chances of this happening less aren't as likely. I doubt you're the first she's done this to. These patterns often repeat, and even once we're in therapy, they often persist.
Sometimes I universally isolate, and other times I selectively isolate. Which isn't really isolation per se, rather just pushing one person away (which is quite common with sufferers). I think if you view it in these terms you'll see posts made about it all the time rather than once every 3 years.
Unfortunately, it seems to be par for the course. (For sufferers that is.) You're thousands of miles away, so it's quite easy for her to ignore you because there's no risk of you showing up at her door.
I hope that things change. But, if she doesn't seek out some sort of help, the chances of this happening less aren't as likely. I doubt you're the first she's done this to. These patterns often repeat, and even once we're in therapy, they often persist.
Isolation is one of the things I've observed from my sufferer. He could be sweet and attentive for a day or if he's doing good, a couple of days. Then, he'd isolate me for weeks, even a couple of months at one point.
Last week, we hung out. We had a good time. Before we separated, he asked me to text him when I get home. Since then, I did not hear from him. I texted him every other day, but no response. Yesterday, I saw him. He was casual, but when he noticed I looked mad, he came up to me and showed concern. Because I was hurting, I chose not to say anything until I had time to cool off. We finally had a chance to talk after our training. To him, he was not ignoring me purposely. Rather he was just too tired and he wants time for himself to recover from work, sleep deprivation, and other things. He didn't understand at first why I could be bothered or mad at him, and to him, when I didn't respond as to why I looked mad was my way of pushing him away. I explained to him where I was coming from. I explained to him I wasn't pushing him away. I just needed time to cool off and make sense of why he hasn't bothered to respond to any of my text. He said he understood.
Although I've read so much about PTSD, sometimes it's hard not to fall back and be hurt by a sufferer's behavior. However, I could sense guilt from his voice and by the way he looked at me yesterday. And it is crazy how he thought I was pushing him away when I chose not to say anything at first, but he could ignore me for days, weeks, or months at a time, and it doesn't mean anything. I guess what's reasonable to a supporter isn't to a sufferer unless you paint the picture of where you are coming from. And, what's reasonable to a sufferer could be easily misunderstood by a supporter. Communication and patience are really the keys to having a successful relationship with a sufferer, but it is hard to have it sometimes when a sufferer chooses to withdraw, not answer their phone, and just plain ignore the supporter.
Last week, we hung out. We had a good time. Before we separated, he asked me to text him when I get home. Since then, I did not hear from him. I texted him every other day, but no response. Yesterday, I saw him. He was casual, but when he noticed I looked mad, he came up to me and showed concern. Because I was hurting, I chose not to say anything until I had time to cool off. We finally had a chance to talk after our training. To him, he was not ignoring me purposely. Rather he was just too tired and he wants time for himself to recover from work, sleep deprivation, and other things. He didn't understand at first why I could be bothered or mad at him, and to him, when I didn't respond as to why I looked mad was my way of pushing him away. I explained to him where I was coming from. I explained to him I wasn't pushing him away. I just needed time to cool off and make sense of why he hasn't bothered to respond to any of my text. He said he understood.
Although I've read so much about PTSD, sometimes it's hard not to fall back and be hurt by a sufferer's behavior. However, I could sense guilt from his voice and by the way he looked at me yesterday. And it is crazy how he thought I was pushing him away when I chose not to say anything at first, but he could ignore me for days, weeks, or months at a time, and it doesn't mean anything. I guess what's reasonable to a supporter isn't to a sufferer unless you paint the picture of where you are coming from. And, what's reasonable to a sufferer could be easily misunderstood by a supporter. Communication and patience are really the keys to having a successful relationship with a sufferer, but it is hard to have it sometimes when a sufferer chooses to withdraw, not answer their phone, and just plain ignore the supporter.
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
I keep thinking about this thread. I'm going to try to communicate some thoughts I have from my perspective just to relate and hopefully give some insight. I hope I word all of this right and don't unintentionally break any forum rules :oops:. First I have PTSD. I know it's hard to be a supporter. Logic tells me so. Being a sufferer isn't better.
I think the thing to try to keep in mind is that everyone who has PTSD has the same symptoms but not necessarily the same triggers. You might be a supporter of a combat Veteran who can't be around loud noises. Or you might be the supporter of a survivor of domestic abuse who can't be around confrontation. The triggers might be different but the reactions would be similar.
Isolation is a big part of PTSD. For me anyway. Something to keep in mind. Sufferers are people who are traumatized. I read somewhere that basically our brains are scared to death all the time. They have been traumatized into it.
While some supporters might feel like they're walking on eggshells the sufferers can sometimes feel that way too. I'm very much aware thanks to hyper vigilance that in a second someone could say the wrong thing even accidentally. Or maybe a commercial for a movie comes on tv and triggers me.
Being a sufferer who gets triggered literally daily I can tell you that it feels like being a puppet on a string. I'm here doing my own thing and all someone has to do is accidentally say the wrong thing and my strings are pulled and I'm frantically dancing and trying to make the reaction stop. So isolating means having a barrier of safety where no one can accidentally pull my strings and throw me into flashbacks and anxiety attacks.
For me when I isolate it's a safe place. It's also lonely. I think the idea of "pushing back" is really risky. If I isolated and someone forced their way into my space we would have a big problem. I need to feel safe. I need my space. And I need to feel safe in my space. And if someone forced their way into it they're going to trigger my anxiety and therefore pull my strings. Not only would I be anxious I'd be angry and scared. And I would feel totally disrespected.
What to do for me personally when I'm isolating? Give me the space. Give me a little time. Then ask if I'm ready to share my space again. A fair question to me will get a fair answer. Force your way in and I will react with anger. Guaranteed.
I hope this gives you some insight. Isolating is normal for PTSD. If you have questions for her I think asking in a nonthreatening manner is fair. Especially after this amount of time. I wouldn't suggest asking her ten times though. I hope my perspective has helped some.
I think the thing to try to keep in mind is that everyone who has PTSD has the same symptoms but not necessarily the same triggers. You might be a supporter of a combat Veteran who can't be around loud noises. Or you might be the supporter of a survivor of domestic abuse who can't be around confrontation. The triggers might be different but the reactions would be similar.
Isolation is a big part of PTSD. For me anyway. Something to keep in mind. Sufferers are people who are traumatized. I read somewhere that basically our brains are scared to death all the time. They have been traumatized into it.
While some supporters might feel like they're walking on eggshells the sufferers can sometimes feel that way too. I'm very much aware thanks to hyper vigilance that in a second someone could say the wrong thing even accidentally. Or maybe a commercial for a movie comes on tv and triggers me.
Being a sufferer who gets triggered literally daily I can tell you that it feels like being a puppet on a string. I'm here doing my own thing and all someone has to do is accidentally say the wrong thing and my strings are pulled and I'm frantically dancing and trying to make the reaction stop. So isolating means having a barrier of safety where no one can accidentally pull my strings and throw me into flashbacks and anxiety attacks.
For me when I isolate it's a safe place. It's also lonely. I think the idea of "pushing back" is really risky. If I isolated and someone forced their way into my space we would have a big problem. I need to feel safe. I need my space. And I need to feel safe in my space. And if someone forced their way into it they're going to trigger my anxiety and therefore pull my strings. Not only would I be anxious I'd be angry and scared. And I would feel totally disrespected.
What to do for me personally when I'm isolating? Give me the space. Give me a little time. Then ask if I'm ready to share my space again. A fair question to me will get a fair answer. Force your way in and I will react with anger. Guaranteed.
I hope this gives you some insight. Isolating is normal for PTSD. If you have questions for her I think asking in a nonthreatening manner is fair. Especially after this amount of time. I wouldn't suggest asking her ten times though. I hope my perspective has helped some.
NikkiGAPEACH1970
Bronze Member
BlackBirdRising,
Thank you so much for sharing valuable information about PTSD. I'm in a relationship with a man, stationed in the Army with PTSD and I'm at a cross road, hurt, and I think its time for me to let go. We both live in separate states. I've dated this man for almost a year and experienced so much. I was there for him during his divorce, financial turmoil, and advising him on how to handle the conflict on his jobs. I've given this man my friendship and my unconditional love. There were days when he was a loving and supportive man and then there were days when he shut me out completely with no explanation. I tried so hard to support him through the good and the bad times and its now taking a toll on me. Its heartbreaking and I'm tired.
This past week he attempted suicide and was not successful. I spoke to him briefly on Thursday while he was hospitalized and he asked me if I could stay by his side while he is going through this ordeal. I told him I would stick by him. In the same breath he asked me to help him pay his mobile phone bill????? I thought this request was quite odd. I've helped him financially in the past but with someone just being hospitalized for suicide, why would they ask that type of question? Baffled me! He later advised me that he would not feel like talking and just text him. Have not spoken to him since Thursday.
Am I missing something here? I do not want to appear insensitive because this man is experiencing a lot. But if my boyfriend is able to ask for financial support while mentally recovering from a suicide attempt in the hospital--why disrespect me and shut me out?
NikkiGAPEACH
Thank you so much for sharing valuable information about PTSD. I'm in a relationship with a man, stationed in the Army with PTSD and I'm at a cross road, hurt, and I think its time for me to let go. We both live in separate states. I've dated this man for almost a year and experienced so much. I was there for him during his divorce, financial turmoil, and advising him on how to handle the conflict on his jobs. I've given this man my friendship and my unconditional love. There were days when he was a loving and supportive man and then there were days when he shut me out completely with no explanation. I tried so hard to support him through the good and the bad times and its now taking a toll on me. Its heartbreaking and I'm tired.
This past week he attempted suicide and was not successful. I spoke to him briefly on Thursday while he was hospitalized and he asked me if I could stay by his side while he is going through this ordeal. I told him I would stick by him. In the same breath he asked me to help him pay his mobile phone bill????? I thought this request was quite odd. I've helped him financially in the past but with someone just being hospitalized for suicide, why would they ask that type of question? Baffled me! He later advised me that he would not feel like talking and just text him. Have not spoken to him since Thursday.
Am I missing something here? I do not want to appear insensitive because this man is experiencing a lot. But if my boyfriend is able to ask for financial support while mentally recovering from a suicide attempt in the hospital--why disrespect me and shut me out?
NikkiGAPEACH
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
You're welcome. I hope it helped. I also hope that your sufferer will get the help he needs. As far as what's appropriate for you I think you're the only one who can really decide that. Of course it's important to be supportive to your sufferer but you have to always take care of yourself.
Speaking again for myself because I can't speak for anyone else. Emotions and opening up can be very hard for me. Remember one of my biggest goals is to feel safe and to protect myself. Opening up makes me feel vulnerable. And being vulnerable is terrifying to me. And in my PTSD thoughts it's the complete and total opposite of what I want to do. Essentially he might feel like he's not able to open up.
D
Deleted member 1860
Nikki,
I am a sufferer and it does seem a bit insensitive to *selectively* shut someone out. I mean he contacted you, asked for your support, you said yes, so he asked for financial support, and then just as quickly pushed you away. To me, this is using someone. If I push someone away it's because I need space. I don't pull them back when I want something from them and when I get it, push them away again. It seems a bit manipulative, and not ok to excuse because someone has PTSD. I see it as I either need space or I don't. I don't do the half-way thing as in you can be close to me when you do things for me or buy me things, otherwise go away.
It's your boundary, and your decision. I just hope you don't feel guilted into it because he is in a bad mental state right now because you'd be allowing such requests in the future.
I am a sufferer and it does seem a bit insensitive to *selectively* shut someone out. I mean he contacted you, asked for your support, you said yes, so he asked for financial support, and then just as quickly pushed you away. To me, this is using someone. If I push someone away it's because I need space. I don't pull them back when I want something from them and when I get it, push them away again. It seems a bit manipulative, and not ok to excuse because someone has PTSD. I see it as I either need space or I don't. I don't do the half-way thing as in you can be close to me when you do things for me or buy me things, otherwise go away.
It's your boundary, and your decision. I just hope you don't feel guilted into it because he is in a bad mental state right now because you'd be allowing such requests in the future.
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