General Is It Normal For The Sufferer To Isolate Themselves From Just You And Not Friends?

[LilBit]

My sufferer practices "selective isolation" as a frickin lifestyle. "I don't talk to him/her." That seems to be her catchphrase for whoever she is freezing out at the moment. (Sorry for the bitter tone, currently it is ME.) Sometimes it is her 20 yr old son, sometimes other immediate relatives, sometimes even her superficial can-always-chat-with friend briefly when she's tired of hearing about her bad boyfriend. My sufferer is so tenderhearted and loving, until you get close to her you don't realize what a heartbreaker she is. I don't even know how we got to be friends at all, guess I caught her at a weak moment. She normally runs like the wind when she realizes someone is getting close who actually sees through her, really does care, and will expect involvement from her. Or become involved with her in a genuine way.

And that is the hard part. I see how much this behavior harms her. Because she truly values her career. Took me a while to figure out why it's so important. I think it is because it is probably the longest she has ever been at any job, she has been promoted several times and is in leadership, and is terrified of losing that success. Desperate to advance in her career. And it takes everything she has just to function. But her lack of personal communication skills and the selective isolating are causing issues for her in the workplace. Not that she's not a great communicator, I said PERSONAL!! It is keeping her from properly networking, others on her career level notice that when they try to include her she distances. A fact she is not aware of. But they do notice that she spaces out and crawdads when the involvement gets to a level that causes her discomfort. And when she selectively isolates among those she supervises or works alongside it causes drama and gets her labeled a crapstirrer. Doesn't induce harmony when the one you are speaking to uses it to hurt the one you are not. Seizes the opportunity to stick it to the one she isn't speaking to, because they of course KNOW she isn't talking to them. Which of course adds to her anxiety. The atmosphere between the people around her turns into palpable tension. Of course this has also happened in her homelife in the past. Broken relationships, etc. I love my sufferer but I am so frustrated that she won't get more therapy. She thinks it won't help, that they signed off on her back then, she thinks she cannot change. Selective isolation, disassociating, hypervigilance, irrational episodes, shoot the works..... I just wish she could see that although there may not be a miracle that makes it all go away, there are things that could be done to improve her daily living and truly help her in her career.

 

[LilBit]

What if your sufferer doesn't actually ask you for space? Just cuts off abruptly? "My family understands me and you don't." How am I supposed to understand someone who won't discuss or explain?

Question to sufferers? Do you sometimes go through long periods of isolation and read your supporter's texts even if you aren't open to responding? Do you get upset when they don't stop? I go through spells of wanting to express things, trying to keep the silences as long as possible.Or could it be ok as long as they aren't pushing for contact? I still don't know if my sufferer gave up on me as a part of her life or not.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Question to sufferers? Do you sometimes go through long periods of isolation and read your supporter's texts even if you aren't open to responding?

I can only speak for myself but honestly for me it depends on the person and why I'm isolating to begin with. Sometimes I'm not avoiding a specific person but the general symptoms overall. Sometimes PTSD is crushing and it can be hard and overwhelming and exhausting to deal with so sometimes I isolate just to escape.

But if there is a specific supporter who I'm having an issue with and they reach out to me while I'm isolating I'll read what they have to say and respond later. Sometimes I just don't have the answers or the words. And on top of everything else sometimes I'll then feel a little pressure to respond which can make me isolate even longer.

Do you get upset when they don't stop?

I don't usually have people trying to talk to me too much when I isolate. But when I do have someone knocking on my bedroom door trying to talk to me repeatedly I get annoyed impatient and angry. If I want space and I ask for it and I can't get space I get increasingly more annoyed.

Or could it be ok as long as they aren't pushing for contact?

For me this can be tricky. Because if you're contacting me when I'm isolating I feel like you are pushing me into contact just by the act of contacting me. If I don't want to talk and I keep getting asked to talk or I get too many things getting said to me I'll end up getting angry. The occasional statement of hoping to talk when I'm ready is ok. And a fair question to me will usually get a fair answer from me. But if I'm isolating I'm really not wanting contact. When I isolate I'm usually overloaded and I need to get away.

For me when I'm ready to talk I will. I try to be aware of how I'm effecting other people. But it's not always easy. But if I'm being pushed repeatedly I do sometimes still lose my temper. Sometimes for me it's kind of like that moment when you're in a bad mood and people keep asking "are you in a bad mood?". It's not exactly the same but similar in some ways.

 

[LilBit]

Thank you BlackbirdSinging. I'm not even sure if my texts are read or not. (I know she did read them, not sure if she still does though.) She just moved 1200 miles away. She would speak to me some the first weeks she was gone then just a weird statement about how her family understands and I don't. I am new to PTSD. And nothing for over 5 months. (But yet she can still text/speak with another friend.) I don't ask anything. And I'm trying to go silent period. But I go through spells of texting, mostly just speaking my own mind, trying to work it out for myself. Expressing my thoughts about the situation the last few months (that's a lengthy explanation I won't go into here.) She won't tell me to stop, won't tell me not to leave a voicemail every long long while, won't say goodbye or give me closure. She doesn't have issues with anger generally. She has issues with trust, abandonment, avoidance, and being nonconfrontational to the point it's ridiculous. I do understand that because of her trauma I am by virtue of being me (overprotective, motherly, close) probably a trigger, so I'm not sure if I have been left behind or what. We had a deal, that we wouldn't say goodbye. All I would like is if I'm not gonna be a part of the future, say goodbye and let me have closure. It must be wonderful to have someone like you who can actually verbalize their needs!!

And I am past the anger stage. I am beginning to understand that with all the huge changes in her life, 5 months for her is not very long at all. She has changed jobs, living away from her son for the first time, living with her brother's family for probably a year, and planning to live by herself for the first time ever. Without her son/bf/husband/roommate, all alone. If I still miss her this much at 5 months, what is someone with ptsd dealing with? It hurts to be one of the things that must go in order for her to reduce anxiety and function, to adjust. But I'm sure I am not the only one, I think that is part of what she meant by her family understanding. They know she will go into a period of no contact and isolation.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand, my boyfriend of almost 3 years, or ex ,is long distance and just stopped responding about 5 months ago. No goodbye, get lost, or anything. It's really hard. Feels like a death and I don't know how to handle it. I try to leave him alone, but sometimes I text. He never responds. The anger is gone, but the pain is always there. Hug.

 

[Bilby]

Gosh, it's been 5 months and she's had no contact with you? It's not unrealistic, or asking too much, by any means, to expect some contact LONG before now.

You obviously care deeply for her, but putting your life on hold for this long, with absolutely no idea what is going on, is really not healthy for you.

 

[LilBit]

You obviously care deeply for her, but putting your life on hold for this long, with absolutely no idea what is going on, is really not healthy for you.[/quote]

I wouldn't quite say I've put my life on hold! She may be like a little sister to me, but I am married with a job, etc. It is pretty much like BewitchedBewildered describes her feelings, like I am dealing with a sudden death. Only with a crapton more feelings. I have dealt with a sudden death by a drunk/drugged driver. It comes with anger, pain, confusion. But it's not like being cut off by a sufferer, it wasn't the victim's choice to abandon you without closure in tragedies like that. This comes with bitterness and rejection and does a number on your sense of self.

I am recovering gradually from this loss, decided to buy into that internet meme that says "Sometimes you just have to go on without some people, if they are meant to be in your life, they will catch up." And not to make excuses!! But to my sufferer's defense, besides being a trigger just by breathing, and knowing her previous history of dealing with big life changes extremely poorly, I pretty much nuked her emotionally right after she left. I think I triggered the entire mine field. She needed a break from me. And truth told I needed a break from her too. I truly never realized how dialed into her symptoms I was daily. (She was my supervisor and we became friends. So I spent a great deal of time with her over several years. Also why I had such a hard time, her leaving changed my daily life. And I spend my days someplace with memories everywhere.)

 

[Bilby]

LilBit, I must apologise, I thought you were in a relationship with this person, as opposed to being her friend.

That said, I don't want to minimise the extent of how much you are hurting. I still believe 5 months is a long time to go without any contact and I can completely understand why you feel bitter and rejected. I hope that in time, things feel easier for you!

My apologies again.....! :)

 

[LilBit]

Bilby, if she can't even handle lasting friendship, how on earth could it be a relationship? Wow, I can't imagine her being where I was expecting to get any of my physical/emotional/financial needs met. Not that she doesn't work hard, but she doesn't communicate well on a personal level. She doesn't seem able to sustain anything more than superficial or expendable with anyone who wasn't in her life prior to her trauma. Just her immediate family and childhood best friend. And even those aren't quite the complete healthy relationships they should be. The rest of us apparently do not mean enough to be worth the effort. Feeling bitter today. No matter what I do or say, my heart does not rate. Great feeling to leave someone with. That their love and loyalty are meaningless. If she ever does decide to have contact again, I am not sure how to do it. I didn't matter for so long, why do I matter now?! And how can I care when I know I will just get dumped again when the cup is full?

 

[LilBit]

I have been reading about forgiveness. Without telling details of my sufferer's trauma, her grandfather wants her to forgive the perpetrator. Pray for your enemies and such. Which is grand for him, since it was his tragedy too. But my thought this morning isn't really about that so much as that I think that is why I am so determined not to give up, not to break my promises and walk away. Friend till the end and all. Because I just REFUSE to be another thing that EVIL took from her.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand. One of my issues with just passively accepting the silence is that I don't want to be another person who just gives up on him. If I am wrong and it is more devisive in nature, and not just PTSD related, which just doesn't follow my 3 years of knowing him -- I don't know, for once I care less about being right, or not being weak, than I do about being a supportive influence in his life. Maybe I will never see him again, but he will know that I see him as worth more. I want him to know, my life has not stopped, but I will always be here for him. I cannot, will not, hate him because he can't be what he believed I needed or because he just couldn't handle it. Maybe I am a fool for believing in him, but I am not waiting for him. I do not see us being together again, but I will always be his friend if he ever wants. He has been through so much, expects so little from life, I just cannot be another person who gives up on him.