Well, I regret to report that on May 1st (a week ago), we officially broke up. The day before, I had rather impulsively sent her a Facebook message (which had sadly become our only *rare* means of communication), asking if she still wanted me in her life.
My message was kind, but direct. I said that I was getting the impression that she no longer considered us as being in a relationship and that I was finding it unlikely that she would ever regain the interest and love that she once had for me. I told her that I didn't blame her for this, but that I was still left with trying to figure out where I stood in her life. So I asked her directly if we were still in a relationship.
While I knew that it is not generally a good idea to ask such tough questions during an episode, at the time, I felt like I had little choice. This had been going on for 33 days and I just couldn't take it anymore.
However, I think what really pushed me into being so direct was that I had discovered that she had been hiding things from me, such as the fact that she had, that very weekend, gone camping with her ex-boyfriend (or some possibly some other guy).
Although she had once told me that, during an episode, she had no interest in sex, I still experienced tremendous anxiety (and lost a lot of sleep) ruminating over what most likely occurred in that tent. So I was now living with the probability that she had cheated on me, or at least had been highly deceptive about unknown activities involving another man. :-(
However, in my message, I made no mention of my unfortunate discovery. I kept my mouth shut about that. I figured that if we were possibly parting ways, I'd rather have her remember me (one day) with some fondness, and not soil it with accusations (even if they are true).
Her reply to my message was kinder than I had expected, while still not fully answering my questions. She stated that she had subconsciously distanced herself to make me realize that she couldn't function properly. She said that she had to be realistic in that she would be a horrible partner and an even worse parent someday. She was incredibly sad about this because more than anything, she had always wanted to be a wife and mother. She said that she was completely broken and that she cared about me too much to allow me to continue putting in the loyalty and effort that I had been giving her. She said that it wasn’t fair to me.
While I felt like telling her that I didn’t need such protecting, it had become very clear to me that she had completely moved on. So I respectfully accepted her decision. We exchanged a few more emails (her messages were always brief) and then amicably ended our relationship. I deleted her two Facebook profiles from my friend list and explained to her that I was only doing so in an effort to heal and that no offense was intended by this. She said that she understood and also told me to feel free to contact her if I ever wanted to. I thanked her and mentioned that she could do the same. And that was it. :-(
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I am still deeply in love with her. However, in light of the hurtful deceptions that I had discovered, I almost hate myself for continuing to have such feelings. Part of me still hopes that at some point she will eventually snap out of this endless PTSD episode and that her love for me will come flooding back. I realize, of course, that this probably just an unrealistic fantasy. She is most likely back with her emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend (or maybe someone else). She has moved on and I’m trying to accept that. However, the slim hope remains and I’m finding that hope can be a painful thing.
