General Is It Normal For The Sufferer To Isolate Themselves From Just You And Not Friends?

[Elric]

My long distance girlfriend suffers from rr-ptsd. She began an episode almost four weeks ago and it is still going on. (It was the first episode that she had experienced while being in a relationship with me.) The first couple of days were okay, but the following four were awful. She went from being the most loving, affectionate, attentive person that I have ever known, to being coldly indifferent toward me. I would only, at most, get one text message a day which usually only consisted of a few lifeless words. That was an incredibly difficult weekend to say the least.

After a short time, things got slightly better. She told me that she was feeling calmer. She even sent me a picture of herself smiling and said that we could talk on the phone that evening. In the following weeks I'd hear from her a couple times a day, but it was never the same as before. Her messages were very brief and she would never say anything affectionate to me. If I was *really* lucky, she might call me "sweetie", but this had become exceedingly rare. But I was to the point of taking *any* scrap of affection that she would throw from her table. She had become the polar opposite of the loving woman that I had known.

Even though, for a while, the worst of her episode had seemed to be over, in the last week and a half things have gotten *far* worse. She has completely stopped texting me or contacting me in any way. The last few supportive (no pressure) messages that I sent her got no response. The *only* remote contact that I've recieved from her is that she still occasionally hits the "Like" button when I post photos on Facebook. This happens about once a day.

As horrible and heartbreaking as all this has been, the thing that troubles me the most is that, while ignoring me, she seems perfectly able to happily converse with all of her (mostly male) friends on Facebook. I can always see them chatting and joking around on her Facebook wall as well as other places. This has been going on throughout her now month long episode. She has also been going out with friends attending concerts and other events. It seems that she has *only* pushed me away and not others in her life. While I'm certainly relieved that she has not completely isolated herself from those around her, the idea that she is perhaps only isolating herself from me really hurts.

I am trying to figure out how normal this behavior is for a PTSD sufferer. I found a post here from way back in 2009 which discussed the possiblity of "selective isolation". It basically asked the same question that I'm asking here. Some of the responses indicated that it was indeed possible for the sufferer to only push away the person that they're in a romantic relationship with.

Still I'm trying to figure out if this is what is going on with her. Or has she just genuinely lost interest in me?

She has told me that her PTSD has ruined every relationship that she has ever been in. I also know that in the past, whenever a guy got too close, she would push them out of her life, by basically doing nothing. She would just wait for them to leave on their own. My fear is that this is exactly what she is doing with me.

I'm also trying to figure out if her feelings for me will still be there when this endless episode finally ends. When the wall finally comes down, will the loving woman that I knew a month ago emerge again? Or is she lost to me forever?

 

[ashdawn8287]

You have to realize all of this is not you, it's her past feelings and she is directing them towards you. In a really twisted way she trusts you because she is showing you the truth of her hurt, of her past.

The advice I give my fiancee is to be there for me and be patient. Don't get mad and make it worse, I know it must be hard being on the other end of this, but her side is worse. She's the one constantly reliving it.

My fiancee and I talk openly and make rules kind of. I don't drink, I am open and honest and discuss how I am feeling with him, so he knows it's not him and what exactly it is. Just be there for her, she needs someone safe. When I first started dating my fiancee I pushed him away really bad. He stuck by my side though and she will see that. I feel I was testing my fiancee to see how much he loved me, as selfish as that sounds. People like us just don't trust and are constantly confused from the past.

My advice to you is to sit down and talk to her. Is she seeking help? If not I would give her an ultimatum. That's what it took for me to get help and as hard as it was to face that, I love my partner so much I am healing not just for me, but for him too.

I don't push him away like I use to. I don't threaten to leave anymore. I realize this is my safe spot and I need it desperately. It is good you are seeking out support. Don't hold her reactions against her, realize it is her past. She is having a normal response to abnormal traumatic experiences that she has endured. Her mind and body will not let her forget and she hates it. She knows it. If she could stop it she would.

When she pushes you away, push back ten times harder. She needs you. Even if you don't see it. She is scared because she is only use to bad things happening and things not working out and is probably scared you will leave her because her PTSD. Reassure her you are here for her all the time.

I wish you the best

 

[stuff]

When she pushes you away, push back ten times harder. She needs you. Even if you don't see it. She is scared because she is only use to bad things happening and things not working out and is probably scared you will leave her because her PTSD. Reassure her you are here for her all the time.

Truer words were never spoken.

 

[ashdawn8287]

:)

Don't be scared to have your own life outside of the PTSD. Just explain to her. Take care and nurture the relationship.

Also, the relationship is probably a trigger for her. That's how it is for me. I have to constantly work on it everyday.

 

[Elric]

Ashdawn, thank you so much for the reply. It gives me much to think about.

Sadly, she is not seeking help. From what I understand, she attempted therapy a number of years ago, but they did this regression thing which only made it much worse. Also, she seems to be somewhat against the idea of taking any kind of medication, which I think is unfortunate. Still, I know that this is not something that can just be left untreated. Unfortunately, at the moment, we are not speaking at all. If our relationship survives this endless episode, and we start talking again, I'm hoping that we can discuss the fact that she *needs* to get some sort of treatment.

A big problem is that this is currently a long distance relationship. She lives on the other side of the country. We originally had plans that she would move in with me soon. I even thought that this might happen within the month. However, ever since this episode started, all talk of a happy future together has ceased. Honestly, at this point I don't even know if I'll ever see her again. In fact, I'm not even sure if she still considers us as being in a relationship anymore. There is *no* communication right now and I don't know how to change that. :-(

I hear what you're saying about pushing back ten times harder when she pushes me away. I *really* like the idea of that because I want her to know that I'm in this for the long haul and that I will *never* abandon her. I absolutely love her.

However, I've found other posts in this forum that say that at this point, I should just back off and totally give her space. These posts say that I should rarely attempt to contact her and that when I do so, it should be completely chilled out (non emotional, non relationship oriented), because to do otherwise might make her push me away even more.

I feel that there is much truth in what you're saying too, so I'm trying to find a balance between these two ideas. Maybe just check in with her (with a supportive message) every four days or so?

Anyway, I really appreciate you giving me your perspective as a PTSD sufferer.

 

[ashdawn8287]

You are welcome. That is unfortunate she is not seeking help. I was misdiagnosed for 11 years but never gave up hope or myself. Space is important with people like us but if she doesn't get help and realize how bad her issues have affected you and her relationships I'm not sure what well happen. Of course therapy is going to make it worse, you are forced to face it, but it does get better with small steps and we are works in progress, if of course she is willing to make the progress. Medications help with the intensity of therapy.

I am sorry if you're stuck in this situation. You seem to be getting more support for this than she is. I think having a rational discussion about this after the episode is important. I would back off like you said because you could push her away, but don't give up on her just yet.

I lost a lot of people because I negatively affected them. Once I saw this I started taking the appropriate steps necessary. Denial is a hard thing and facing yourself and truth is hard too. She needs to be honest with herself, her life, to you, to the relationship, and the rape. It involves going through the emotions freely without being judged and in a safe spot.

Do you think the long distance could be making it worse? Also, another thing to think about is her running because she is scared and that is why she hasn't moved long distance. We are not good with drastic change and sometimes instead of just doing what we know we should, we run.

I hope she comes back to you and seeks out help. I would make sure you offer her your support if she decides to get help. It seems like she needs it really bad. I feel I was in her position a couple years ago and I have came along way. She needs to learn healthy coping skills and realize she is not rational because she is relying on faulty glasses because of the rape and PTSD.

I wish I could make supporters like you see inside of our souls. We are good people who over react, avoid, and don't handle things properly, but after you pull back the layers, we really are the most beautiful people in the world.

 

[Bilby]

I'd exercise caution with "pushing back". This could very easily backfire in a big way. Sufferers of PTSD do often need their own space and to try and force the issue may not be wise.

I can tell you that my own sufferer can indeed be somewhat isolating towards me, but quite ok around other people. Yes, it's hurtful, but I am the one he is around the most and if you think about it, it's often those that we are closest too, that we lash out at the most (PTSD or not).

Elric, I hear what you're saying and can hear your commitment to your girlfriend, but I would again exercise caution in making big declarations about your relationship at this point in time. PTSD is an awful illness - not just for the sufferer. It can take an incredibly big toll on the supporter also. Whilst your relationship is a little fluid at this point in time, I'd suggest adopting a little more casual approach, as hard as it is.

 

[ashdawn8287]

People with PTSD like myself, need people like you two. Isn't it awfully unfair?

Keep supporting, never give up on someone who is trying.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whoa, NO!

Do not give a sufferer an ultimatum, especially right off the bat, before even simply suggesting therapy. If someone did that to me, they'd be gone.

If you give an ultimatum you'll come across as controlling. She'll say "see ya!" Without batting an eye.

It's all about helping her. She needs to feel in control. Ultimatums remove this control.

If it was an abusive or violent situation where nothing else worked, then yes, an ultimatum may be your only choice. But starting with an ultimatum? Never really a good idea.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I guess it just depends on the situation, the mood, what context it was said in, you would have to be extremely careful of course. I feel sometimes I need a drastic shake to snap me back into reality though. Again, this is my experience with it. Do what you will with it, but yes, be careful.

 

[Nicolette]

I can tell you that my own sufferer can indeed be somewhat isolating towards me, but quite ok around other people. Yes, it's hurtful, but I am the one he is around the most and if you think about it, it's often those that we are closest too, that we lash out at the most (PTSD or not).

The fundamental reason being that those closest hold a greater emotional investment, there are greater consequences and affects for the Sufferer so rather than do the wrong thing or draw on too much of their energy/head space which they don't have they pull away. A person close to a Sufferer is also more likely to know something is wrong compared to someone who only has brief encounters so it is again easier to manage for them...... so many reasons but it's as simple as it is harder for them dealing with those closest.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Nicolette, I admire you for your dedication in trying to understand PTSD.