Is It Normal That Memories Feel Unreal?

[mrsmegan]

I don't really know how to describe it, but it's like the memories of abuse feel like a dream. Or far away/not real. Like - they happened, I know they did, but there is a veil there - or maybe that just wasn't me?

It is really messing with me. It is making me feel like they truly are not real.

 

[Tamaartje]

I feel the same way. When I talk about what happened it is like I am recalling a movie I have seen. I guess it is a defence mechanism.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

My therapist was concerned that I question some of my flashbacks. Some feel really real physically, but I feel disconnected from them. And then I think that maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me and none of this happened.

 

[agirls]

I question my memories all the time. It's a constant conversation I have with my T. She reminds me to listen to my body. My physical body knows what happened and is telling me. I have begun to trust that a small bit but really need to let the trust develop more.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Speaking of, cramps... sometimes a trigger.

 

[Llith]

I often feel completely out of it when it comes to memories. Some I get confused if they are dreams or real, others I know are real but I feel like I am chasing them, always a bit behind. Really hard to know what happened when you spent alot of your time disassociated though.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

Yep sometimes when I talk about them I feel floaty and weird like I don't exist. It's weird.... You are not alone.

 

[Quakegirl]

Same for me - with both the sense of distance and the cramps.
I flip between deciding to accept that it is real, and fighting with myself that it is not. I think I have to accept that I just don't/won't know.
But the CSA flashbacks always come with the most horrendous symptoms. I have seriously had them for 15 years, but when I started feeling sick in my stomach and triggered at the same time, I told my T they weren't far behind. And I was right :( and I don't even believe in them.

Wow. Even writing that set me off

 

[NightSky]

I want to resurrect this thread because it’s something I’ve struggled with for about 20 years now, since the “memories” (flashes) came back. Just a few. So quick and felt so unreal. Almost three years into therapy dealing with this and I still have no idea how to trust myself. I can’t find self compassion because I fear I’m lying. I fear I’m faking everything. Which is crazy because it’s not like I want these symptoms. But how to move forward trusting one will never fully know the truth? @mrsmegan I’m wondering how you’re doing with this now?

 

[Bristol]

Really struggling with this too, will be keeping an eye on this thread!

 

[mrsmegan]

@NightSky I'm where you are. Almost three years in and I still struggle. I feel like it needs to be black and white. I need to remember everything or nothing, and if it was so important, then why does it feel so scattered and detached. It's really hard. It's probably a coping or protection mechanism, because stepping closer to it is a lot to handle. Thank you for asking.

 

[Still Standing]

It's probably a coping or protection mechanism,

I believe you said it best, mrsmegan. It is a coping mechanism. My trauma memories I see as events but memories in between the events are more vague and I choose to leave them vague. I see no need in trying to define them in a more clear fashion. It is enough to deal with the vivid and clear ones, for me. The black and white thinking is a typical PTSD distortion. Not everything is black and white nor needs to be. Maybe simply having some memory is all that is needed, for the moment. If they are to more defined, perhaps, your brain will release more suppressed memory as you walk further in our therapy and recovery when you are more able to handle them.