Is it ok not to have friends?

[Whirlwind]

Hello all,

Briefly, I am starting over later in life. I find myself alone other than a few acquaintances. It seems I have not done well developing lasting long term friendships. And I am starting to think I may have to accept my lot in life. I suppose I am trying to come to terms with all of it.

I grew up in an isolated abusive family so there was no family to befriend, I never had children and later moved fairly often which didn't help.

I'm doing volunteer work and I think I am friendly & approachable. But anymore it seems all I do is attract folks with "issues". Either I am picking badly or is this the world today?

Perhaps at my age most folks have a community established and the few of us lacking in that area have problems so to speak? I've met 3 women this last year and all had issues which scared me off. Is it me?!

Example; I met a gal this last year and all seemed good, we were not going to be "best friends" but I enjoyed her company. She was also aware of my DV history and was very nice about it. But as I came to know her, she decided to share her "issue" which is an ongoing 10yr affair with her husbands friend. She equates my DV situation to hers....?

Now that her situation is "out" she is constantly wants to discuss her problems but despite her complaining, she doesn't seem interested in making changes.

I guess I feel bad, I was stuck in my DV for a long time and while I didn't have anyone to burden....but I was guilty of feeling stuck too, right or wrong I was stuck and did not see a way out for a long time.

And truthfully, I have a problem with what she is doing. She had a fight with her husband awhile ago and he agreed to go to marriage counseling which I thought was a great step but then she decided she was "too busy" and abruptly canceled their appointment never to reschedule. Her boyfriend is married, the wife is "bad"...ugh, the whole thing is brutal to me and ....I guess I can say this here....she acts like such a victim in all of this but it all seems to be her own doing.

Simply put, I decided to put the brakes on our friendship. I did it as nicely as possible and I do feel for her but I hate subterfuge, I want to live a life without a bunch of dark secrets in the closet. She's angry with me and yes, I feel guilty.

I'm friendship rusty to be honest and I am wondering, am I expecting too much these days, at my age?

Thanks for listening!

Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 541]

That’s a friendship that you don’t need. It would have driven me half crazy. Good for you for ending it....

 

[EveHarrington]

I think everyone has issues....it’s a matter of finding someone whose issues are “compatible” with yours.

Kind of like that “Rent” line “I’m looking for someone whose baggage goes with mine”.

Cuz, let’s face it.....we all have our issues.

One of my best friends has physical health issues which make it hard to form relationships. Even though we’re different in our disorders, We’re on similar medications and have an overlap in how symptoms manifest. We understand each other’s struggles and accept each other regardless. Other people? They see his disorder as “too much” and pass him on by. He accepts me as I am, too. I say all of this to illustrate that others can have “issues”, but if your issues are compatible with their issues, then it’s really a non-issue.

 

[blackemerald1]

I reckon that person you let go was deceiving herself & wanted you to be complicit in her deception.
That's not my type of friend either.
It's difficult when older to make friend's especially if you don't have loads of the 'healthy' family stuff happening.
AND add in PTSD...
I have watched my friend's disappear over the years. I guess they were never real friends in the first place.
But I live in hope & I like my own company.

 

[Whirlwind]

I think everyone has issues....it’s a matter of finding someone whose issues are “compatible” with yours.

That is a different take on the subject, you may have a point, thanks :)

I reckon that person you let go was deceiving herself & wanted you to be complicit in her deception.

Ugh, yes. I was/am becoming suspicious she was using our friendship for "cover". She lied to me a few times and it all pointed that way. I felt awful has her husband is very nice. He was so happy she had me to hang out with since she doesn't have many friends.

I have watched my friend's disappear over the years. I guess they were never real friends in the first place.
But I live in hope & I like my own company.

I've adjusted to being alone too. I am something of a loner anymore, maybe that is good? Everyone is always impressed by all of the things I do solo....I think it never occurs to them I don't have a choice.

Yes, my friends all disappeared and I had some longer term ones. I always believed knowing I was without family that I could create a "tribe" of my own through good friends. But in my case, friends tended to "rebound" back to their FOO or friends that mirror their lives, another couple with kids, etc. I totally believed this but despite my hopes, it never happened. Pretty much the reason I ended up in a late life DV situation, I was just lonely when he came along.

Despite some sincere non pushy (I've always been independent) effort, nothing ever seemed to stick.

Yes, I am going to be a cat lady. I am already doing foster care, I like the noise, neediness and company, LOL.

 

[Ahhlia]

I am 58 years old with Social Anxiety on top of my PTSD. I too have no real friends. Most are online Facebook or LinkedIn Connections. I am shy and quiet and all adds to my difficulty to make friends. I tried a few Meet-up groups but I felt out of place. I live with a b/f who does not drink nor abusive and a puppy. And that is my social life. Hard when I am out of work for 3 years now. I do not have a good relationship with my family (not because I drink or use drugs... when my father died the ugliness of my family drove me away ).

I recently started going to church on Sunday. It had been many years since I been to church. I was baptized Catholic but never practiced. It is a step to gain trust and ease among strangers I suppose.

I don't know if it is age or the people my age have been through the wringer that they have their issues from battling life.

 

[blackemerald1]

Well @Whirlwind it's not impossible to have friends in the true meaning. So give it more time & yourself more time & don't always find fault with yourself because sometimes it just isn't.

 

[Freida]

Its harder to make friends when you are older because most people are set in their ways and lives. But it doesn't mean impossible. Does the place you volunteer match your needs? As in are the people the kind of people you want to be friends with? Or would a different venue be better?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I used to feel like quite the social butterfly and thought I had a big circle of true and dear friends, but then I was brought to the harsh realization that most of my circles were with folks who were simply wearing the same masks I was trying so hard to wear to keep up with society's definition of "normal", and that's the same exact thing that took me down and out, leaving me desperate for help and craving healthy connections.

Once that happened, and once I dove into several drastic lifestyle changes, and once I came to my senses, so to speak, in a highly sensitive majorly hyper-vigilant way based on said lifestyle changes, my circles grew smaller and pretty much became non-existent. It hurt like hell at first, and I felt abandoned in a big way, as I was under the impression that once I helped myself, my true friends would be extremely happy for/with me, but that's not how it played out in my world.

As I sought a deeper innerstanding of myself by searching for relief in my own heart first, as well as in different spaces I'd avoided before, I eventually began to make new friends/kind acquaintances with similar interests/vibes/experiences and established relationships based on some deep realness for a change. I wasn't used to that shit, so I'd bolt quite often in order to avoid another possible let down.

But every once in a while I'd cross paths with a kindred heart, and still do, be it near or far, that I knew would be a permanent fixture, some how, some way, and those are the ones who kept/keep me going and seeking more for myself, most especially from self. Whereas before, I seemed to be outsourcing my happiness/well-being and giving others way much more power than I wished for them to have over me and my emotions.

I do have a few people I call true friends and feel close to, but that still doesn't increase my venturing out or socializing much due to energies and environmental stuff I simply can't hang with anymore, as it makes me ill and takes days to recover. I value my me time more than ever, but sure do enjoy a good conversation, belly laughs, shared tears, spontaneous creative brainstorming, and a heartfelt hug now and then. I'm forever grateful that I'm easily entertained and can finally sit comfortably within myself in an often quiet space, finally. It took a while to wrap my head around the idea of being comfortably alone/all-one thanks to my what-ifness brain.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Ahhlia I reckon it's life & the wringer & when you've been around the block a few time's you sort of know where it's going to end lol!
@Freida I reckon you have a point. I know when I was young (er) lol I was silly & a risk taker... so I ran with different types of people, met like minded ppl & Idk found it easier to meet ppl.
Now I am old (er) the pond has shrunk, I am set in my ways about putting or not putting up with ppl... depending on what I think aligns with my moral compass. So you are right compatibility has a lot to do with it, I'm not a risk taker anymore & I find it challenging to go out to place's where I should find friends. But I am giving it a shot.
I think I am afraid of getting sucked in by ppl who are deceptive & have other agenda's. And I'm not into psychological game's. Never was.
So @Whirlwind you are not alone... Maybe try other volunteer orgs., Spread the net a little wider. I'm going to do a course & trying to DIY house reno., too ha!

 

[blackemerald1]

Totally YES @Tornadic Thoughts many likes! That's healthy imho!

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Whirlwind... I think it's absolutely fine to not have friends and I totally agree with you, with regards to your friend... Cheating is wrong....

I honestly don't think you are expecting too much. I've started friendships in the past that I had to end because I wasn't being treated right... Now years ago.. With having no self esteem.. I would have stayed in these friendships just to have friends. How messed up is that.

Now I won't be treated like shit... Friends are supposed to pull you up not down. Because of the this I don't have any close friendships and sometimes that's upsetting.. Feeling alone... But I always in clearer thoughts.. Remind myself I could have had friends. But they were angry drunks, or put me down or used me. So it's there loss....

You're not alone you have all of us....