Is it ok not to have friends?

[DharmaGirl]

I enjoy my own company. I don't have friends, I have acquaintances. I have a mom and a son, my 2 brothers passed away. I enjoy contact but my goodness it wears me out! I ran into an old friend from nursing school, and I can't figure out if it is good or bad. I think it's ok, like @EveHarringon said, you have to find someone who's stuff is compatible with your own. She has been a victim for as long as I have known her, but I'm teaching her how to live in poverty. She wants another recliner, there are many free on Craigslist, but she keeps looking at the ones on paying sites. You don't have to pay for a lot of things if you are patient. And you become a successful person by not playing the victim card.

 

[Whirlwind]

Thank you all so much for "talking"!

I am 58 years old with Social Anxiety on top of my PTSD. I too have no real friends.

Thanks for sharing, it helps just to know I am not alone in all of this.

As in are the people the kind of people you want to be friends with? Or would a different venue be better?

Good point, I have considered this and I am trying to be "visible" I joined a gym, show up at some local functions routinely etc.

Once that happened, and once I dove into several drastic lifestyle changes, and once I came to my senses, so to speak, in a highly sensitive majorly hyper-vigilant way based on said lifestyle changes, my circles grew smaller and pretty much became non-existent. It hurt like hell at first, and I felt abandoned in a big way,

Funny you mentioned this, I too made some big changes some time ago, at the time I had a few very close friends, some for decades and many acquaintances. I had always been there for my friends during their troubles but then for the first time I went through some changes that were very positive for me and some that were difficult....my friends evaporated.

It was extremely disappointing, I had a number of deaths all at the same time and I still remember a close friend had called me when they heard saying we need to go for a beer/talk and that was it! Everyone was "too busy"!

I felt they ejected me but I really never knew why and oddly they all said similar things like "how strong I am, such a quality person, always knew I was going to do something different".

Yes, I too felt abandoned and I puzzled over why this happened. Were my old friends really just using me so to speak....back then I was "somebody" and then I wasn't after my career change? Was it all superficial "masks" like you said? Maybe. I really don't know.

sure do enjoy a good conversation, belly laughs, shared tears, spontaneous creative brainstorming, and a heartfelt hug now and then

Perfectly put, that is exactly "it".

You're not alone you have all of us....

That is very kind of you, Thank you :)

Best to everyone, Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah I think there is a distinction between friends & acquaintances. Friends need time & emotional resources & other mental stuff. So it's a relationship that requires 'maintenance' whereas acquaintance relationship is not so much.
Depends on your own resources because being a friend is so much more than a stupid fb term. Giving is just as important as taking. Respecting each other & the limitations each individual has too. Lot's of stuff not -just how long you've known that person.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I find that the only way that I can keep my sanity and PTSD from rearing it’s ugly head.... Is to isolate from friends and total estrangement from family. I talk to people I work for and people in the stores, but for the most part I stay away.

I have found that, for me, it’s the only way to stay sane with very very few PTSD symptoms. Took me years to figure this out, and now that I have, it’s the only way for me to live. Am I happy?!?!? Honestly don’t know, but I’m not a raging maniac from PTSD either. So the trade off is ok for me.

 

[Supervixn]

I understand why you didnt want her friendship. I wouldn't be okay with what she was doing and I wouldn't be able to be complicit.

I have a horribly lonely feeling not having friends and it caused me a lot of pain. But now I realize that I don't even want friends, and it hurts less. Sounds awful. But its kind of comforting to tell myself that anyway, and its true. I wish I had the desire or motivation for friendships. I just am too wary of people.

I think you having the desire to create friendship is great. You have good judgement and know how to end a bad friendship. Keep trying if you really want friends, there are some worthwhile people out there. It might take a while to find them but if you want friends you will surely find them. Don't feel bad about ending relationships that aren't mutually beneficial.

 

[Whirlwind]

Hi all,

I have an update and an etiquette question for you all.

The gal I distanced myself from....I had offered to meet with her to talk and end on a ..dignified note I suppose. She never responded and has since ignored me.

I have some other acquaintances that invite me to cook with them as I am teaching them some special cuisine. I have done this a few times now and its becoming a fun thing, their kids even enjoy it.

So this friend I "broke up" with ..... contacted them and got herself invited. Its strange as they know each other but rarely socialize. Then the gals husband emailed me saying how he (and her?) miss me and look forward to spending time with me, that it is a shame I am "so busy".

The whole thing is weird....I think the gal has not told her husband and is telling him I am too busy when he asks. I caught her doing this kind of lying in the past.

I don't care if they come to eat but in the past I noticed she seemed to be "checking on me" as in I do something with someone and she somehow finds out (small town) then she would call and ask me about it and then go into a pity party how "she is NEVER" invited.

I really do not know what is going on but I hesitate to engage her as she seems to thrive on drama. Is it inappropriate for me to let the husband know she and I had some difficulties (no details) and aren't spending as much time together these days?

FYI her husband is a doctor I see occasionally and I see him off and on due to a common sport.

Frankly, this is exactly why I dumped her, she seems to live in a bubble of subterfuge and weirdness.

Thanks for your thoughts, I am enjoying these dinners and her husband is nice enough....I don't want to avoid all of them just to get her out of my hair.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

Wow weird indeed!

Since it's a small town; the hubby is the doc., there is nothing really wrong with him. And if you don't care if 'they' come to your cook ups... I'd just leave her to her own scheming. If she can 'get herself invited' by coming along with other ppl & you are ok with her being around I would not un-invite her. But I would make sure she stay's with those ppl & leave's with those ppl!

Maybe let it go once & observe the dynamics. If she creates a drama for you then you may have to change how ppl are 'invited'.

Sounds like she's told hubby yet another 'cover' story because she knows you know she's been cheating on him.

Sound's like a great plot for a mystery novel. What a load of drama!

Hey you tried to do the right thing. She didn't respond & that's her prerogative. Is she trying to insert herself into your life again?

Please keep your distance from her. Be dignified but distant...From her.
She still sound's toxic & deceptive & up to her usual routine.

It's difficult but I would not be telling the hubby anything because it could get ugly.. If you feel you must respond to his email agree that you are 'busy' & don't elaborate.

But that's just me and I am into avoiding this kind of drama..

 

[Supervixn]

Hm yeah... sounds like shes the one with the problem. Let her keep her distance... I wouldnt engage with her unless neccessary and even then I'd keep it as though nothing is out of the ordinary.

Her hot and cold behavior, her "checking up on you" is probably related to her trying to keep tabs on how much you'll gossip or let out about her. She sounds selfish and dramatic. Ugh, let her go... act superficially friendly but don't bother worrying about her or responding to her "worry" about you (which sounds like its really about her self preservation).

I feel bad for her husband. But I also wouldn't let anything out because if you ever watch Discovery ID you can see how crazy people get. Hopefully he finds out just don't let it be through you...

Cray zaaayy!

 

[Whirlwind]

She didn't respond & that's her prerogative. Is she trying to insert herself into your life again? Please keep your distance from her. Be dignified but distant...From her. She still sound's toxic & deceptive & up to her usual routine.

Yes, I suspect she is trying to get back with me. I don't mind feeding more people, I am just tired of her behaviors and I have no inclination to make a scene. I don't hate the woman, I just dealt with my own "drama" (DV)...I want to live a more lighthearted and happy life.

Ugh, let her go... act superficially friendly but don't bother worrying about her or responding to her "worry" about you (which sounds like its really about her self preservation).

Thanks for this, I intend to be decent, honestly I don't like hurting anyone's feelings. She is not the devil, she just has problems I am not up for dealing with.

I feel bad for her husband. But I also wouldn't let anything out

Oh dear no....I actually anticipated her concern and let her know that I would never speak of what she shared with me regardless of our friendship status. I have no intention of interfering with their lives, it isn't my business.

As I mentioned, it is part of why I wanted out of this friendship...I just don't want to be part of any of this. I encouraged her to see a therapist...she went once only to cancel because she is so busy.

She is lonely, I know that and I feel for her but she causes a lot of self made trouble and drama. Maybe she will reconsider the therapist ..... I tend to believe these things blow up sooner or later.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes just worried you'll tell her H -> divorce -> $$$/ reputation , I'd say. Totally agree with @Supervixn.

She broke her promise to him, why would she think you wouldn't to her?

 

[EveHarrington]

Hold your head high, stay dignified, and avoid the drama!

I know you can do this!

 

[Whirlwind]

Thanks all, just looking for some moral support I guess. I am new to the area and working hard to restart my life.

I'm a little mad at myself for getting sucked into this and I would never get involved with the affair issue, I would wipe it from my brain if I could.

All I was considering is letting the husband know we weren't hanging out much these days as he keeps asking me when she can see me. He means well, sigh. She is just a vortex of drama and lies I fear she is using our supposed friendship to cover.

I'll be fine tomorrow, I am busy cooking and there are a lot of folks. In the big pic I just want her to move on..I am older and feel way too old for this stuff. Thanks for listening to me, I really appreciate it.

Best, Whirlwind