Is it ok not to have friends?

[blackemerald1]

@Whirlwind you have our support!

Please don't be critical of yourself for trying to be friendly to this woman. How could you possibly have known how she views friendship? You don't have a crystal ball & she has not been honest to herself, her hubby or you. Who knows how many ppl she's chewed up & spat out before she ambushed you.

I agree with you, she is lonely & probably has other issues too.

You are making healthy, positive decisions & sound like a really generous spirit.

Considering you want a fresh start from your own history & seem to be forming bonds in the town with other ppl. I'd say you are doing really well.

I've met heap's of deceptive ppl through my work (in a former life). They can usually put up a very convincing facade.. but cannot keep it up for too long.

Well done you for wanting a fresh & healthy start. You won't be without friends & happy acquaintances for long if you are teaching ppl how to cook & feeding ppl!

 

[mumstheword]

It sounds like a clash of values. I couldn't handle the level of dishonesty and cover up. Sounds incredibly messy!
Boundaries, boundaries boundaries.
I think I'd end up being (kindly but) brutally honest with her and, well, I find people who are not honest avoid courageously honest people like the plague.

 

[Whirlwind]

I've met heap's of deceptive ppl through my work (in a former life). They can usually put up a very convincing facade.. but cannot keep it up for too long.

You are so right, they eventually reveal themselves. I was very happy to start socializing and I think I need to go slower with people until I know them better. But you are right, she acts a lot different until she feels "comfortable" and releases the crazy. She was a bit ostracized here but indicated it was racism, and I felt a little sorry for her. Looking back I think that was a red flag.

Well done you for wanting a fresh & healthy start. You won't be without friends & happy acquaintances for long if you are teaching ppl how to cook & feeding ppl!

That is a very nice thing to say, thank you!!

Boundaries, boundaries boundaries.
I think I'd end up being (kindly but) brutally honest with her and, well, I find people who are not honest avoid courageously honest people like the plague.

Yes, I am working hard to adhere to my boundaries which have been decimated these last years. I was very direct with her as she keeps "digging the hole" deeper. This should be over and I thought it was until this surprise dinner showing...she detests these people, speaks very badly about them so this is about me somehow. And her husband, she lies so much I think she lies on auto and gets herself stuck. Her husband was so happy I was her friend, he offered to foot the bill for a small trip for her and I. Needless to say I firmly declined with everything that has been happening. It is clear now he thinks the trip is still on, yet another lie on her part.

I have always done my best to be upfront and honest, in fact I was always the one to do the "hard" things in life. I want to be that person again and I just don't have room for folks living in a quagmire of lies.

I feel better about handling all of this, thank you so much. My ptsd has been at a record low and I want to avoid triggers....I am very hyper-vigilant and I find these kind of people/situations rather upsetting.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

May be time to let the hubby know you cannot go away with his wife.. ever? You don't actually have to give him any reason. You know that don't you?
Lot's of times ppl think they have to explain why they don't want to do something. But you are an adult & you can thank him with a 'no thanks'. No drama required.

Geese it's like she really wants you to light the fuse on the powder keg of her lies & deception. Idk why she doesn't leave you be.

If you were the wrong type of person she'd be in a load of crap!

You are doing well keeping the lid on all this.

Take care,
b1

 

[Whirlwind]

May be time to let the hubby know you cannot go away with his wife.. ever? You don't actually have to give him any reason. You know that don't you?

Very good point, I need that reminder. I am a recovering door mat and working hard on getting myself back to "center line". :)

I decided to end the husband as a pawn and in the best way I could let him know she and I won't be taking trips etc. He is such a nice guy, he "got it" and didn't push me to elaborate. It was a brief respectful conversation.

He even came to dinner and treated me normally, even drove me home.

As for her...we all waited for over an hour and then it was announced she wasn't coming. I didn't ask for details...honestly it seems she is unraveling and I am so relieved to be free and clear of her impending disaster.

Thanks everyone for helping me through this mini-drama, its really less about her and more about me trusting my instincts and standing up for myself. I'm trying to restart my life with some healthier habits.

You all are the best :)

Whirlwind

 

[Whirlwind]

Hi all,

If you can stand another question....what do I do if she won't go away?!

She pulled one of her surprise unannounced visits to my home and was pushy insisting to come in as she "has to talk now so busy tried to call me" routine.

I held firm, didn't let her in (I was genuinely busy) and she wouldn't say what she wanted but obviously wants to talk.

I don't want to restart anything and I have tried really hard to communicate with her and I know I have been clear...like asking her NOT to do the surprise visits/parking lot thing. but she still does it, just makes up some lame reason like this time.

As I told her bluntly, I feel like I am always in a no-win situation with her.

Knowing her she'll report to the husband I was rude and "she tried" but if I meet with her we don't really get anywhere, she never says what is really going on and I eventually get out of her she is covering "something" and testing if I will play along.

What do I owe her if anything right now? Normally I would meet her for a coffee to talk but maybe I am just encouraging her...?

My apologies as this is getting embarrassing,

Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

It's not embarrassing - so put that thought aside!

How do you get rid of her?
Do exactly what you have been doing, trust your instincts, keep those boundaries in place. Say no 'politely' every time she corner's you & close the door, keep walking away.

I think the hubby may understand a lot about his wife's personality so don't worry about her telling him anything. After all he understood you opted to not take up the holiday option with her.

You did exactly the right thing when she tried to push herself on you. Doesn't matter whether you are busy or snoozing on your sun chair! It's your house, your life so you don't have to justify yourself why you do not want to engage with her or anyone else!

It's hard to resist trying to explain yourself to her again. But you know it won't work because you have tried it. What do you think you would say differently that would end this rather dodgy 'relationship'? Does she really listen?

I think having a coffee with her & trying to avoid re-inspiring her 'belief' that there is no longer a friendship, as you had before... may possibly back fire for you?

You owe her nothing!

You are making a fresh start & part of that is to surround yourself with loving, honest & respectful people. Who will be your friends & acquaintances.

You have described this woman to be almost entirely the opposite.

It's sad this woman is behaving this way but she is responsible for her behaviour. Not you.

You chose your friends, they do not chose you! It's a mutually beneficial relationship... friendship!

So, how do you get rid of her? Ride it out till she find's her next co-conspirator 'friend'.
Break your routine. Don't open your door w/out checking if it's her or not.

Stand your ground!

Take care of yourself & don't worry about her. It will settle.

 

[EveHarrington]

What do you owe her?

Telling her that the friendship is over.

Nothing more.

(My apologies if you’ve already said this.)

I mention this as I had someone end a friendship but they never actually said those words, so I had no clue what their flaky behavior actually meant. It was a mind game to say the least! (I still think if people can’t actually SAY “the friendship/relationship/whatever is over”, they have no business having friendships/relationships/whatever as ghosting is NOT an acceptable adult behavior save instances of abuse.)

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. And then stand your ground.

 

[Deleted member 541]

“No” is a complete sentence.... And you can use it as many times as you need too. Stick to your boundaries, say no and keep doing this. She will eventually get the hint....

 

[Whirlwind]

I think having a coffee with her & trying to avoid re-inspiring her 'belief' that there is no longer a friendship, as you had before... may possibly back fire for you?

I feel guiltybut I fear I will get sucked in and the conversation has a 99% of going nowhere. I've been through this already with her and shared my frustration with her. I felt I did a good job extricating myself from her, dealing with her poor husband....with her it seems there is always "something else". I feel a this was a clean break and I don't want to risk it, however bad that sounds.

I mention this as I had someone end a friendship but they never actually said those words, so I had no clue what their flaky behavior actually meant.

Fair enough. I did tell her, in person and then a follow up email as I have run into her "forgetting" things we've discussed repeatedly or when I try to make an important point. Initially she I had offered a coffee meet but that was weeks ago and she has not responded nor acknowledged anything. That's how she seems to operate.

“No” is a complete sentence.... And you can use it as many times as you need too.

You made me laugh, and you are right, I feel a need to "explain" or justify ...always worrying about OTHER people's feelings!

Take care of yourself & don't worry about her. It will settle.

Good, thanks, I need to bring it back to me and maybe I just need to ignore her, its frustrating like these "ambushes" of hers. I ask her not to and she just keeps it up. But I'm holding firm on this as I found it really invasive.

Thanks all....going back to my title....maybe NOT having friends isn't so bad, LOL

On the bright side the folks I cooked for/with loved the dinner and sent me a nice note saying they want to do another one soon :-)

Cheers, Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

@Whirlwind you have started making friends with your cooking ppl!

They love your food & you know they enjoyed your company &
you enjoyed theirs.

That's a great start to building up to healthy relationships.

 

[Flip flop]

Hello all,

Briefly, I am starting over later in life. I find myself alone other than a few acquainta...

I think I can relate....at my age, too, my patience is thin and no more time or energy for draining people.
I e asked myself the same thing you mentioned about wanting to know if one is a magnet for people with “issues.”
I don’t have anyone other than my therapist to whom I can speak without drama or walking away feeling drained.