Is it ok to have any expectations?

[Kotid]

I realize a relationship with a sufferer will likely not be a conventional one, but is it ok to have ANY expectations at all? I expect some people will say abuse should not be tolerated yet I've also seen people here explain that some type of verbal lashing out is part and parcel with the condition, and to a certain extent, to be expected. So what should expectations in a PTSD relationship be--if any?

 

[Pawipo]

Well don't let anyone abuse you ptsd or not.... Hit you... Manipulation.. Gaslighting... Which I only recently learned the meaning off.

I understand that anger can come with ptsd but I don't think it should be used as an excuse... You know?..

 

[Isiga]

I would have the same basic expectations you would have in any relationships. Respect, kindness, empathy, caring, laughter, make an effort to work out conflict. I am also a huge fan of compromise.

I think giving space and alone time is essential to both people. Some people with ptsd need to feel a huge sense of control. I don't think that is fair or healthy in a relationship. My T and I talk a lot about domestic abuse and the distortions in abusers minds. Ptsd or any mental illness is not a free pass to be an asshole.

 

[Laheja]

I realize a relationship with a sufferer will likely not be a conventional one, but is it ok to have ANY expectations at...

Yes, the verbal lashing out is common. The thing that I would not accept is when or if it gets physical toward you as of slapping around, or pushing you or forcing themselves on you sexually. But, expect sometimes for them to get angry and throw items around the house or may hit counter tops when they are angry. Just as long if the things don't hit you. Yes you can set sound boundaries with the person and set some expectations little by little as time goes on but not to the point that you think the relationship will be fully normal but it usually it not. I was married to a PTSD person and dated one in the past. The way that we understand things, is not the way they understand. It's like their mind works in the reverse mode. They sometimes have a hard time understanding things. Patience is the key if you can deal with that. If they tell you that they don't like large crowds, then respect that and don't go places that have large crowds. In the meantime, take care of yourself too as to not get too stressed out with it as well. Yes have expectations but within limitations because they can' find things quite challenging at times. and they can't take alot of pressure. Best of luck to you.

 

[Anec]

Sure you're allowed to have expectations and boundaries. You're not a martyr or a saint. Don't use PTSD to excuse behavior you wouldn't tolerate out of anybody else.

 

[Nipa]

So what should expectations in a PTSD relationship be--if any?

For myself? Speaking as both a sufferer & supporter for this one : The exact same as any other relationship I'm in. Truly.

As an example? I don't see isolating as any different from being a hunting widow or dating a sports fan, or being married to a touring musician. There are going to be times -hours, days, weeks, even longer- where I am persona non grata. I'm fine with that. Up to a certain point. Once it crosses that point? We're going to have problems. How big? Depends on the bloke, and on me, and what we can work out between us.

Temper? Ditto.
Language? Ditto.
Employment? Ditto.
List goes on.

What I am personally okay with? Doesn't change depending on whom I'm dating. My life changes (hunting with Aaron, sports with Bryan, music with Charlie ... but not what I love-like-tolerate-dislike-hate. My boundaries/expectations? Are my own. Lining those up, matching lives up with someone else? Is the biggest part of dating I know of.

 

[Gicaboj]

Educate yourself on what PTSD is so you have an idea of what boundaries are in context. This site is great for that. Think about your tolerance level. If you need quiet some one who tells won't be good for you. But some people with PTSD get quiet instead of loud. Don't buy into the stereotype.

Know what you will and will not allow in your life. You shouldn't have to change who you are, but what are you willing to accommodate?
If you feel it's abuse....It's abuse

In return understand what they need even if it doesn't make sense to you. The crowd thing for example. If they tell you that's a no go...accept it and don't trust to force them to go.