Relationship Is it okay to refuse my vet sex? hoping for answers from vets and women married to one

[anonymous]

For all those reading this thread: This is a thread about my marriage with a man who has got PTSD. I am hoping for answers from men with PTSD and their wife’s. It is not a thread about „rape in marriage“. Advice from everybody very welcome but please keep this in mind when you answer.

I am married to a man who has got PTSD. We have four children and little time. There was a time when we had lots of sex. I used to have tea ready for my husband when he came home and I had lots of time to care for him.

Nowadays my husband often has to fix tea for the family and there is a load of laundry on the bed waiting for him to fold it.
My husband likes it if a woman wears lipstick and he likes it if she wear sexy lingerie. So he gave me a lipstick, but often I do not use it for lack of time. He gave me lingerie as a present but I never wear it because while it looks gorgeous it is just uncomfortable.

My vet often starts cuddling me and wants sex while I am doing something else and I tell him I have no time. I like having sex with him but I have simply no time.

Is it bad for him with his illness having a wife that never has time for him? Does he feel unloved?

 

[anonymous]

I think this is a fairly common problem in alot of marriages, with or without ptsd being a factor.
I think it's specific to your husband whether or not this is causing him to feel unloved.

Have you been to a marriage councillor?

 

[Friday]

Okay to refuse sex? Dear f*cking god, yes.

My vet often starts cuddling me and wants sex while I am doing something else and I tell him I have no time. I like having sex with him but I have simply no time.

Make time.

When you look back upon your life, what will you regret? That the clothes weren't folded perfectly, every time*, or every precious moment with your husband and your children?

Priorities. Make your husband one, at least higher than the washing. Or you risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Small things. Lipstick in the loo before dinner, 2 seconds. Or if you cook? Keep it in the spice rack. The lingerie? If it hurts? Make sure he takes it off quick. ;) A saucy wink... As important in a marriage, in my experience, as taking a moment for the children when you really just don't want to. And, like dealing with children? It becomes practiced, then reflex, then effortless. Difficult in the beginning. Like breathing, and second nature/ but of course, before you even realize it.

"When you sow love, joy will grow"
Wo man Liebe sät, da wächst Freude.

* If so? Hire a maid. Even if just once a week. Or send the laundry out. If questioned? I tended to turn those answers INTO sex. As in? I send the laundry out so I can have time for this. With you.

Because as a mom with -at one point with 3 to 5 children- there is no sex even possible in exhaustion. :sleep::banghead::sleep: simply isn't. There is barely life....But I'm also a combat vet, who places a heavy emphasis on loving those I do love, like I might lose them tomorrow. The children? Every last brilliant memory of their mom enshrined in their hearts. My spouse? To hear my heartbeat in their dreams. I want the person I love, NOW. All of them. I want to be reminded that there is life. That there is reason to live. I want to be remembered, and for them to remember me. So I delegated. I may be responsible FOR xyz... And if I was? It got done. Just not necessarily by me. ;)

 

[anonymous]

This is the OP. Thank you!

@The other anonymous: I do not think that the fact he wants sex Haases anything to do with PTSD. It‘s pretty normal for a man, isn‘t it?
But because he has PTSD and he has been trough a lot I think he needs my love and care maybe a bit more than another man and I must be gentle with him.
*blush* I don‘t think I would ever discuss things like sexy lingerie with a marriage counselor.

@Friday: Thanks for your advice. A lot of this is true, but there is a problem. HE values orderliness a lot... and his family is even worse (all explained in the thread „FUBAR, hubbies brother will think lowly of us“ in the supporter discussion forum... but most unfortunately it is very long... I fear his family already think we are some kind of tramps who must be patronized... we employ a cleaner and I wish she could come more often, but with four children and childcare costing an arm and a leg over here, we must be a bit thrifty. Hopefully dh will get a raise in his pay one day.
I will find out how much laundry services cost. Sounds like a great idea.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's only natural for sex to "shift gears" when you have small kids... pretend you're teenagers again and sneak of somewhere for a quickie. That's why there are locks on master bedroom doors!

 

[A13]

My partner is the sufferer and 5/10 he is the one who refuses.
We are together only 4 years, he’s 29 and i’m 26 he could go from month- month maybe being intimate only once. He used to have a really good sex drive and the last year it’s seriously decreased. I love him and obviously enjoy having sex with him. At first I looked at myself and I hated my body and just thought he didn’t fancy me any more. I took a knock to my confidence. These feeling creep in even if you don’t suffer from PTSD, but I had to remind myself that when he’s struggling with everyday tasks getting intimate is the last thing on his mind.
If I’m being honest I probably don’t initiate it half as often anymore to save the rejection.. so reading this post helps me realise I’m not alone when worrying about things of this nature.