Sexual Assault Is It Possible That I Repressed Childhood Sexual Abuse?

[leavingsoon]

Hi, I'm new here I just found this forum I'm sorta desperate and confused.
I'm afraid I have some repressed memories of sexual abuse in my childhood but I'm really not sure.

I don't remember a lot of my childhood, given that I lost my dad at a very young age (I was five) in a fishing accident. Still at an early age I recall acting out sexual things with stuffed animals. I have no idea why to this day I did that.
It disgusts me and makes me physically sick to admit this but when I was younger when my mother was still working, I would see a babysitter.
I ended up acting out things with the babysitters daughter, telling her it was a game. I know I also acted out things with another old friend of mine, before she moved house. I don't know how I knew any of this so young and it confuses me still. It just makes me so sick, this is the first time I've ever admitted to any of this.


My mother was also sexually abused by my two uncles. The thing is I vaguely remember two situations involving those two uncles and nothing else. One of them, I know I was very young and I was sitting in a car outside my grandmothers house waiting for my mother. My uncle, came out to me and opened the door of the car to speak to me, I don't know if I'm making this up or not but all I remember is him reaching up and grabbing my thigh. He always gave me money, I remember that for sure.

My other uncle, I remember much less about this one but I recall being in my room when I was again, much younger. I was in my pyjamas and he came into see me, he always brought candy/sweets with him. And that's it, that's all I remember and it's so frustrating. I don't know what it is but I know the two of those uncles made me uncomfortable as a child. They still do now. Both of them had this weird thigh grabbing thing.

I've blocked out an awful lot of my childhood, I know when I was younger for a very long time I had to sleep beside my mother. I couldn't sleep any other way. I always feared being robbed or killed or persecuted. I also had extreme anxiety of being left alone as a child. By that I mean coming home from school and no one being there, stuff like that.


I'm 17 now and I suffer very badly with depression and anxiety because of this I've missed an awful lot of school.
I have never been in any relationships, except one and that was online and very abusive on his end. We occasionally sent sexual messages to each other but nothing more. It wasn't very explicit.
For awhile I could never see myself being submissive but now I don't mind the idea of it, for awhile the idea of sex with a man actually repulsed me. I don't know what changed. I've never been intimate with someone so I don't know how I'd feel about it.

I'm not a big fan of hugging family members except my brother and one or two cousins. I hate being watched, whenever my mother watches me I get very anxious.

The stuff with my two uncles abusing my mother is a bit unclear to me. She told my family about it and they didn't believe her so that's that. I know that one of them did admit to abusing her. He came to visit one day, they had an argument about the abuse to which he just said "but I didn't hurt you did I?"
I don't know much else about my other uncle, I think he may have apologised to my mother. That I'm unsure of.

I really don't know what to believe, I'm just confused about a lot of my childhood. I've always had a feeling something happened or something was wrong with me but I also felt that I was overreacting. Maybe I am? I'm not sure, I'd just appreciate some input because this is something that's haunted me for years.

 

[NightSky]

Hi @leavingsoon. Welcome! Good job talking about this. You do not need to be ashamed of anything you said. I'm very familiar with the struggle you are having, and I'm sorry you are going through it. While yes, it is very possible to repress things like this, no one here will be able to tell you if you have for sure. The best thing you can do for yourself is find a good therapist who can help you navigate your memories and lack of memories. I have been where you are (blank spots. Not knowing for sure. Reasons to be suspicious...) for a LONG time. The not knowing can sometimes resolve itself if memories come or an outside source confirms something. And sometimes the not knowing can last a lifetime. The important part is to start now on your journey of healing the parts of you that are struggling with this. You do not need memories in order to heal. The urge to know can be all consuming. Believe me, I know. But don't sit idly by and wait to know more before working on the areas of your life you feel are impacted right now. You deserve health and wholeness and there are people who can walk you through this. You're not alone. And your experience is not unusual.

 

[joeylittle]

@leavingsoon - I'd try and get into therapy, and start by dealing with the loss of your father.

Children can be quite sexually precocious, and it is not a reliable indicator of abuse. They are curious about bodies, and many kids discover masturbation very young. I hear that you feel really conflicted and worried about those memories, but my advice would be to just put them back on the shelf for a bit. They aren't evidence of anything.

Losing your father would have had a very large impact, and I can imagine that being reflected in your fears of coming home and finding no-one, and even in your dislike of male contact.

You sound like you are in a lot of pain, and you don't have to struggle alone.

I've always had a feeling something happened or something was wrong with me but I also felt that I was overreacting. Maybe I am?

I only think you might be jumping to the wrong explanation. The thing that you know did happen, is you lost your father suddenly, in an accident, when you were five. Encountering that loss was a big deal. It would have affected you strongly.

It's funny...there are things in my life that for whatever reason, I believed for a long time didn't bother me, even though people would think they should have. Many of those things turned out to be worse than I thought they were, once I started talking about them. We all cope with trauma in different ways - but one thing that is pretty common is, we can cover up some pretty intense stuff as a way of surviving. Problems show up in other areas...but it's really about this thing over here in the corner that we are pretty sure we've dealt with, or accepted, or moved on from.

Regardless: always start with what you know. Work on the things you know happened, and then, other things will start to fal into place.