Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Him Not Wanting Me?

[JustAGirl]

This is my first post so bare with me.

My boyfriend and I have decided to get back together after he broke up with me 3 months ago. Here's how it goes...

When we first met he was so nervous and terrified but he got up the nerve to come and talk to me and ask me for my number. We started dating and he opened up to me about his PTSD and injuries on our first date (12 hours after we met). We started dating and all seemed well. He was always eager to see me and spend time with me and that's exactly what we did. From the day we met until a week before he broke up with me, we never missed a day without seeing one another. Then one day it was like a switch went off and I was with a completely different man. He pushed me away for a week straight and come to find out he relapsed and started using drugs again. He broke up with me shortly after.

Fast forward 3 months and we're back together. At first it all seemed well. He wanted to spend time with me, talk to me and intimacy! Then one day it all stopped. He won't answer the phone if I call but he'll respond to texts unless I'm asking him if he wants to go on a date or just chill with me. I now get to see him once a week, I don't get to hear his voice or have real conversations with him in between. But when we're together it's heaven. But there's also no intimacy.

I know he has a lot going on. He's been clean, finally going to the VA, looking for a job and a place of his own. He's gotten rid of the crappy friends. I know he's taking it one step at a time but I don't know if it's the ptsd or him not wanting me? I should add that he can hang out, glide, text, call, instagram, etc with all of his friends but now he's perfectly fine with not communicating or spending time with me. thoughts?

 

[Fayth]

Sounds like he is going through a healing process, he's made some significant life changes and that can be overwhelming.... having said that though PTSD or not you have to set boundries in a relationship, comminicating how you feel to him and letting him know what is okay and what's not to you. If he tells you this is all he can give you at the moment you have to decide if this is what you want. I think you need to sit down and talk so you can make a decision. Relationships are two sided, he may not be in a place in his life to have a healthy one.... just my thoughts

 

[Justmehere]

I think you have to talk to him and ask him.

PTSD makes closeness and intimacy scary. Being in relationship with friends is not nearly as close and vulnerable as being with a girlfriend. If he is doing it this way because he says he is taking it one step at a time, it sounds better than him jumping in feet first, going too fast, getting overwhelmed and abandoning you. He has some other very big things on his plate like finding shelter and fighting the pull to self medicate with drugs again. The thinking and emotions behind the addiction are still there, only now they are no longer being self medicated. That alone takes a lot to deal with. People don't usually abuse substances just for fun. They do it because they are in pain and feel desperate.

Dating is all about seeing if someone is the right fit at that time. Communicate your needs and how all of this is for you, and keep considering if this is a good fit for you over the long haul.

 

[JustAGirl]

Thanks y'all! I've been so concentrated on trying to support him and let him know that I'm here while he goes through these changes, that I never wanted to talk about boundaries. But I have needs too and I've got to address them! I really appreciate the advice!

 

[Justmehere]

Clear and gently communicated boundaries are key! They help not only supporters, but sufferers too. :)

 

[darrenS]

Firstly , you have the ptsd and secondly you have the addiction and the issues that come up in recovery for both. I would approach this with a calm and clear plan that not only encompasses my wants and needs, but also what i expect out of my partner.

Clear boundaries are the key and in this situation are in some ways critical. Your dealing not only with ptsd but addiction as well , and what sounds like a very short recovery period for the addiction.

Its hard enough staying on track with ptsd , and once you throw in addiction or self medicating , it can become a pretty potent mix. Even in recovery it would be extremely difficult , as i know from my own battles , that putting the two together is like playing with the devil and pitchfork at the same time.

I would be patient, and calmly express your needs and what you expect, more in an indirect and non threatening conversation , than in a sit down discussion.

You really have to ask yourself whether you can survive in a relationship like this , its only the start and already your expressing what could be some serious issues. With limited or constrained communication what can you hope to achieve and it also seems he does not have clear priorities or rather you both have differing priorities. If he used last time and then broke the relationship , whats stopping it from happening now ? even though he is getting treated as you say , it does not mean a bed of roses to walk on immediately - how do you know he is being truthful ?

Im sorry for being blunt , but you could be stepping into heaven , it could be hell , who knows, but with such a young relationship showing cracks already "no intimacy" and his barely talking to you , i would ask myself , for the short time i have been in it , is this really worth it, and why would i want to stay in it ?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I now get to see him once a week, I don't get to hear his voice or have real conversations with him in between. But when we're together it's heaven. But there's also no intimacy.

I should add that he can hang out, glide, text, call, instagram, etc with all of his friends but now he's perfectly fine with not communicating or spending time with me. thoughts?

It may be time to stop thinking of him, and start thinking about yourself. If he did not have PTSD, would you tolerate this from a boyfriend? Is he fulfilling your needs? Are you happy?

You cannot fix him or make your relationship better by yourself. Sometimes sufferers are just not in a place where they are capable of being in relationships.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Most people want to just bundle all relationships together. That is, they assume "isolating" is a universal thing, and that if we are isolating then we should be isolating from EVERYONE. Unfortunately, it quite often does not work like this. Friendships are VERY different from partner type romantic relationships. Friends let us be us and there isn't a whole heck of a lot of pressure on that front. Romantic relationships on the other hand put a lot of pressure on us. Even the very best of the best romantic relationships can cause us stress. That's why, if you do enough searching, you will find quite a few posts like yours that question why a partner can still interact with friends but has essentially shut out their romantic interest.

But, in your case, he is only seeing you once a week? That would be a deal breaker for me, personally. I honestly think that communication is of the utmost importance in a relationship, and if one partner isn't even willing to communicate on a basic level, then perhaps they shouldn't be in a relationship.

It sounds like you're the one who is waiting around for him, but he isn't willing to give you what you need. I suggest talking to him about it and if he isn't willing to work on the communication then maybe its time to let him go. It really does sound like he isn't able to meet your needs.

 

[emz315]

Ive got a question... if given the option by your ptsd partner to just walk away bare yourself the pain when they are in a dark hole.... why is it so hard too.... just walking away .....im not a wife,i dont have obligations, .....all i know is that im a fighter i dont give up, i believe in him and i love him.... in saying this why do we put ourselves through the pain when its not so good... im glad that his compromised with me to still be in it even though its only seeing eachother once on the weekend right now.... he says that but why give the option to leave and still compromise and keep me in it. Is it him just wanting to please me even though he doesnt really want it? Why bother ....why not him just letting me go?.....or is it because he knows he has something good ........he trys but why? When all he wants to do is be alone..... sorry having a frustrated ranting episode.