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Is it worth trying?

For a year and a half every time I try to make my life better I fail. I constantly try and try and there is something wrong with me because I keep failing. Thing keep falling apart around me.

I'm starting to make money slowl, too slow, I have days I can work and days I can't, everything is a mess. Now I'm getting evicted and for the life of me I can't imagine how to gather money for the last rent and bills and for moving too.

I had plan... but my plan and mental health aren't matching. I'm a time bomb.

I don't know how to get through today.
I'm too damaged and tired to fix my life. It's all such a mess.
What happens if you don't pay the final rents on this current place until you can afford to, one day? I doubt she'll sue you. Any lawyer woud tell her it's pointless suing someone who has no money.
Not sure, but because what I owe her is from longer, to stay we agreed to pay her a part biweekly and that's the bigger problem as I was just starting to find ways to get back on my feet.

Every time she talks to me in a certain way it triggers me and then there are days like yesterday. And today I'm calm but so wiped. Like for a second I had dreams of learning and getting better paid job and now I don't know if I have the energy to handle more than the present badly paid jobs and days like yesterday and today when I'm holding on a very thin thread.

In theory if things are that bad then I'm free to learn and seek better jobs and not care.

In practice I'm holding on a rope that's getting thinner and thinner and I'm closer and closer to letting it go.

I knew yesterday I couldn't do paying what I owe her and be looking at apartments at the same time. So I made a deal if I pay her the amount we'd agreed on biweekly then I can stay 2 months more. I don't like that but at least I can worry about one thing at a time, money this and next month and apartment the month after.

Still, doesn't change that I have days like I had when I'm useless.

When if it wasn't for the apartment deadlines I'd walk into an ER.

Not sure how to survive the present if I have nothing to look for to.
Things are bleak.
@SeekingAfrica I saw this before but couldn't respond. Exhaustion and burn out is like your mind and body shutting down without your permission. I know you are under duress but unrealistic goals makes for more stress and therefore less success. I find only putting on blinders for one task at a time is all anyone can do, and prioritizing even small steps. And by all means reach out for support if you have it. Getting out of the hole is the 1st priority; income (even aside from your regular type of work), new place (doesn't have to be forever), self care (eating, sleeping, hygiene, human support and connection) . Worry less about the outcome and save the energy just 'to do' And please acknowledge every success or win no matter how small, if for nothing else because without doing so you will sabotage yourself. Have the same compassion you'd give a friend because your life and happiness depends upon it. And you deserve it too.

You can't run a race on your ankle, and that is reasonable for yourself or anyone else. Also know others are going through the same, you are not weird or less-than; this is a normal (horrible) challenge in many peoples' lives. Take courage.

Love and hugs to you. 🫂
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