Is it worth trying?

[SeekingAfrica]

For a year and a half every time I try to make my life better I fail. I constantly try and try and there is something wrong with me because I keep failing. Thing keep falling apart around me.

I'm starting to make money slowl, too slow, I have days I can work and days I can't, everything is a mess. Now I'm getting evicted and for the life of me I can't imagine how to gather money for the last rent and bills and for moving too.

I had plan... but my plan and mental health aren't matching. I'm a time bomb.

I don't know how to get through today.
I'm too damaged and tired to fix my life. It's all such a mess.

 

[Ecdysis]

What happens if you don't pay the final rents on this current place until you can afford to, one day? I doubt she'll sue you. Any lawyer woud tell her it's pointless suing someone who has no money.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Not sure, but because what I owe her is from longer, to stay we agreed to pay her a part biweekly and that's the bigger problem as I was just starting to find ways to get back on my feet.

Every time she talks to me in a certain way it triggers me and then there are days like yesterday. And today I'm calm but so wiped. Like for a second I had dreams of learning and getting better paid job and now I don't know if I have the energy to handle more than the present badly paid jobs and days like yesterday and today when I'm holding on a very thin thread.

In theory if things are that bad then I'm free to learn and seek better jobs and not care.

In practice I'm holding on a rope that's getting thinner and thinner and I'm closer and closer to letting it go.

I knew yesterday I couldn't do paying what I owe her and be looking at apartments at the same time. So I made a deal if I pay her the amount we'd agreed on biweekly then I can stay 2 months more. I don't like that but at least I can worry about one thing at a time, money this and next month and apartment the month after.

Still, doesn't change that I have days like I had when I'm useless.

When if it wasn't for the apartment deadlines I'd walk into an ER.

Not sure how to survive the present if I have nothing to look for to.
Things are bleak.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

P.s. and now I have twisted my ankle too, shouldn't there be a limit on how much can go wrong at once?

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah... no limit tho, unfortunately. This is a forum full of people who can attest to that.

 

[Tinyflame]

@SeekingAfrica I saw this before but couldn't respond. Exhaustion and burn out is like your mind and body shutting down without your permission. I know you are under duress but unrealistic goals makes for more stress and therefore less success. I find only putting on blinders for one task at a time is all anyone can do, and prioritizing even small steps. And by all means reach out for support if you have it. Getting out of the hole is the 1st priority; income (even aside from your regular type of work), new place (doesn't have to be forever), self care (eating, sleeping, hygiene, human support and connection) . Worry less about the outcome and save the energy just 'to do' And please acknowledge every success or win no matter how small, if for nothing else because without doing so you will sabotage yourself. Have the same compassion you'd give a friend because your life and happiness depends upon it. And you deserve it too.

You can't run a race on your ankle, and that is reasonable for yourself or anyone else. Also know others are going through the same, you are not weird or less-than; this is a normal (horrible) challenge in many peoples' lives. Take courage.

Love and hugs to you.

 

[Alex Becerra]

Hi bro, this is Alex Becerra, I've been surviving for the last 9 years since I tried to get laid with a girl who told the appartment owners I was chasing her. So they kicked me out of the appartment and I felt so angry and started living in a small room in a bad area. I was in campus far from home.

I joined a Christin Church and moved in with the brothers at that church, but something similar happened like 3 years later, there was this sister that showed some interest in me I did the same, because girls are my weakness but unfortunately I am shy and introvert so it is always a pain in my life because it never happens anything. I haven't had any relationship except for this girl that I regret all the time, we just saw each other for three months. I feel ashamed for dating her and I believe it left me mentally worse than before. So, this girl at that church, I showed interest in her and some other guy at that church got laid with her. People started to exclude me from the group and I also didn't want to keep going, so I left. I had no place to go but my parents house 8 hours away from the brother's household in Mexico City. So I drove to my parents and move back 6 months later to Mexico City to finish my Master's.

At this point I am like nomad moving from place to place, job from job. I almost forgot, I sold my home studio and bought this girl at church a flight ticket to Tijuana, which never happened. I ended moving to Tijuana alone and moved back to my parents home again after spending all my money in drugs and strip clubs. I started therapy 2 years ago and switched therapist a month ago but my first therapist recommended me a book which at the end came up with a couple forums. I left drugs and my first therapist told me it wasn't that bad to hire a women for sex. I've been for like 2 years avoiding the red zone in my city. I bought back again some tools and instruments, with the help of my sister and my parents. This is my second post and I really want you to be better and I can get better too I am really facing many many problems everyday, sometimes I am very weak to get up, I lost all dignity since this girl made the owners kick me out of the appartment, life is humillitating me all the time. Everybody is getting over me all the time, when opportunities come into my life to get out of this mess I think, I don't take them because of the pain I have felt and I feel super scared, I am less confident than before when all of this happened. I fear most of the time, feel insecure most of the time and when not feeling this, I feel the extreme opposite, super confident and I think people perceive me like arrogant. But even tho I feel confident, I never have conversations with women, I've felt lot of rage towards them. Again, I just want to be fine and I wish your life finds some peace, thrives and finds God.